A year ago today, or, there abouts
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A year ago today, or, there abouts
| Tue, 01-25-2011 - 4:51pm |
Hello ladies and gents,
I sat on this post for awhile, not sure how to word it exactly or what I wanted to get out of it. But, here it is. This is mostly for the new enders and especially those who are S, as I think I've spotted a few of you around here. Anyway, I wish I could say that I've been out of the A for a year 'today' (or some time close to this day, last year. January 20-something or other. I can't really be bothered with the exact date), but I can't. What I can say is - a year(ish) ago today I thought my world had ended; xAP (a MM, I was S, never married. A was 5mo up to that point) pulled the plug as things got 'too close to home'. I was

Thank you for this amazing post - and bringing the S xAP's perspective into the picture. While I was marriage at the beginning of my affair, I was separated at the end (as you know) ... so for almost a year I was the single affair partner. It was the most awful position I have ever been in. The hurt & anger seemed so magnified when I thought he was living 1.5 lives, and I was living .5 life. He got two of everything ... while I got barely none of anything.
And NOPE this isn't me complaining, I made the choice to stay there ... to degrade myself, my family, his family. IT IS ALL ON ME. And there is NOT a moment that goes by where I am not GRATEFUL that he did not leave his marriage when he 'tried'.
I AM SO GRATEFUL that I am able to move on without him in my life. He may wonder if he made the right 'choice' for HIM (to stay in the marriage); actually there is no doubt that he does, BUT it was the RIGHT CHOICE FOR ME.
I am so freaking relieved that the Universe took care of me, and as hurtful as it was at the time to do - ENDING ALL CONTACT with him was the ONLY way to get the clarity in my life I needed to make other changes.
The fog of an affair not only clouds your thinking about yourself, but your thinking about the purposes of life in general. At least it did for me.
So yes ... LIFE is meant to be LIVED OUT LOUD. Fully present & FULLY accountable. I never thought transparent could be such a good thing, but each and every day I am so happy to be leading a life that anyone would be happy to live ... NOT perfect, far from it ... but making choices I am proud of to be sure. I feel like I am deserving of my children and my friendships. I can fully embrace a laugh, and speak my truth and mean it. I don't need to FIX ME anymore to try and conform to someone else's wants/needs, and I now KNOW that I would rather be hated for who I am, than 'LOVED' for pretending to be what someone else needs of me. I have so much more energy to LIVE MY LIFE than I ever did in the affair - NO MORE wasted time playing mind games with myself, twisting reality and getting sick from the "ride". NO MORE thinking I am so freaking rebellious and anti-establishment ... so enlightened because I am able to get away with "it". Nothing liberating or empowering about relegated oneself to the margins of another's existence. Crap, women have been fighting, and indeed dying, for the right to step OUT OF THE SHADOWS and be recognized and here I was volunteering to play that role. PLEASE.
Much LOVE wcf ... YOU are an incredible woman.
With deep care,
TU.
Thanks TU! :)
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
Thank you for this heartfelt and triumphant post WCF, and for the wonderful reply TU. Although it has not been commented on, I am sure it is being read...and absorbed by many.
As I look down the road....way down the road...at what my life holds...I do have some of the fears of which you spoke of. But as TU said, no matter what that road holds for me it is an ABSOLUTE blessing that xAP did not leave her M for me to pursue the fantasy life that I was totally ready to give up everything for her to have.
As TU once told me....that ending would have completely broken my spirit. And she was right...and my spirit is way to beautiful and valuable to be broken in that way.
Your post WCF belongs in the thread for success stories, and your openness and honesty to the new person in your life speaks so highly of your character. It is but one of the amazing qualities that will make you a wonderful partner for a giving, open, and available man that you deserve.
I am so happy to hear that things on the academic front are going so well...god knows that the A put a huge dent in that track of my life...just now able to start digging out. And speaking of study...I particularly liked this part....
" I did see a lot and had a lovely time just sitting in the woods - it's amazing what you'll see and hear when the animals don't know you're there." :)
Much love to you both! Thanks for sharing with us!
peace&light
Foggy