Yes there is hope!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Yes there is hope!!!
6
Sat, 02-13-2010 - 6:11pm

I hope that this sends out the right message to those who are really struggling and feel that they are in the darkest depths of that 'black hole', but I just wanted to let you all know that I am one day short of four weeks NC today and I'm actually feeling a 'little' like my old self! It's V Day here, and even though it's not seen as such a big thing as it is where most of you guys are my H and I decided to acknowledge it, even in just a small way. Just exchange of cards and I made him up a little photo album to take when he is offshore. He loved it. And the words in his card brought tears to my eyes.

Anyway, I guess I am a little happy because he is coming home later this afternoon, which is 4 days earlier than what he was meant to be, so now I will have him home for a week and a half. So I guess that's helping how I feel somewhat, as I do struggle so much with him being away offshore half the time. Especially as my kids are both teenagers and are often 'doing their own thing'.

But aside from all that, I guess what I'm trying to say is that finally, I have 'struck' a day where I am NOT feeling on the verge of tears...where I feel like I am IN CONTROL of how I think and how I feel. I have already laughed a few times this morning, and xAP is in the 'back' of my thoughts, not the 'front'!! We have my nephews Christening at lunchtime followed by a family get together (my H's side) and I know I'll be actually able to relax and enjoy it without feeling like I'm faking everything.

So for those that feel like they are never going to feel any different...there is hope. It takes time, it takes incredible strength and courage, but it will come. And I know this feeling won't last, and I'll have 'bad' days again. But they will become less and less, and with faith, these 'better' days will become more and more. Love and hugs to you all.

Be strong xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sat, 02-13-2010 - 10:46pm

Bestrong,


yep, there is....so happy for you. i am. hang in there, it gets better n better.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 02-14-2010 - 8:43am

(((Bestrong)))

Have a great day with your H and make the most of every day he's around. 4 weeks is HUGE and I am very proud of you. I would also like to thank you for all of the love and caring you have shown the other gals on this board. You have a beautiful heart.

Love,

~ Iddy~

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Sun, 02-14-2010 - 2:31pm

Hi, bs (oh, that sounds icky!) Scratch that! Do over!!


Hi, bestrong! :o)


love, Love, LOVE that you're in a good place and LOVE that you're focusing attention on your h!


It was at about 4 weeks that I started to

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Sun, 02-14-2010 - 5:44pm

luvin~

Yes I'm now starting to believe that it DOES get better...it just 'does' :) and I'm finally feeling some hope, something that I haven't felt for quite a few weeks. Yes it is guarded, and I'm still taking (and appreciating!) one day at a time, but the future is beginning to look brighter. Without xAP in it. At all. Not ever...

Iddy~

You continue to be my inspiration, and I think back to my first post here and your words of wisdom and support. Back then (all of four weeks ago!) I absolutely DID NOT believe that I would feel any different to how I was feeling then - I was worrying about the future, six months ahead and stuff. And already, I am feeling different. Stronger. Better. Wiser. For that, I thank you :)

free~

Isn't it interesting that this four week mark seems to be a bit of a 'changing' moment?! Or maybe it was for you and I anyway :) Thanks heaps for your inspirational words of encouragement, and yes, I am keeping my guard up and staying completely in touch with how I am feeling all the time, just in case things start going backwards a little. But if that happens, I will deal with it. And I'm so blessed to have a wonderful H that is there for me every minute of every single day - we're talking talking and talking, and if I'm struggling I just have to let him know and he comes up with the perfect words that I need to hear. I know I'm incredibly lucky. And I hear what you're saying about songs and stuff, I'm glad there's probably only 4 or so songs that if I heard they would affect me (in fact 3 of those I will never be able to listen to again!!), so it's pretty easy to dodge those 'bullets'! The music I listen to is completely different to what xAP listens to so that definitely helps!

It's funny too, I'm now at the point where I feel that I can spend my next IC session this Wednesday working on really getting to the depths of the why's and stuff re A and my history. I'm ready to work really hard on that stuff. It seems as though each week my IC session has been spent on simply dealing with my depression and how I was just coping and surviving each day! But as my H said, here is a golden opportunity to deal with all those things that have made me the person I have been up until this A finished, and now I can deal with it all and make plans for the person I'm going to be from here on in.

xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Sun, 02-14-2010 - 8:24pm

Hello again!


I'm so happy to hear you're ready to do the "hard stuff" in IC...I can't believe all the crap that I uncovered through doing it. I thought at first that I was just missing my xap (the person), but all this had NOTHING to do with him ...well, OK... a little bit...I do miss him and a teensy piece of me is always going to love him. He's an ex from years ago and to me, the r always felt "unfinished" but after going to IC, I can now

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Sun, 02-14-2010 - 9:07pm

free~

Yes, my H knows all about my A, and most details. It's all on the table - he knows the lines xAP used, the places, the times etc etc. And during the A, he was well aware of my 'friendship' with xAP (that's what I told him it was) and is now having to deal with the fact he didn't intervene or try and work harder on putting his foot down. He says now that there were alarm bells ringing at different times, but he had so much faith in me that he didn't let himself believe what was actually happening. And I fed him so much BS, I just can't believe I did that to him now. I became involved in xAP's family, too, which is a whole different story....

Here's to lots of 'digging deep' and 'epiphanies' in IC :) :)

xx