Yesterday

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2011
Yesterday
10
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 6:09am
I had therapy, and i cried so hard, let all the emotion come pouring out of me regarding the ending of my affair, the state of my marriage, it was exhausting! We talked about the book "the five love languages "-I believe that's the name, and where I think i am, and where my husband falls, and it became so clear as to why I entered into this mess, and what was lacking in my marriage to bring me to such a state, and it is SO scary to me to think that perhaps things are so broken that its possible it may not be fixable! My T kept asking questions about my H, and whether I can love him and be happy with him as he is as people really don't change, especially if its not for themselves and i couldn't really give her an answer. I'm so far removed from H right now, I can't even remember what things were like when they were good between us, and it HAD to be good at one point right? I had an A because I needed to feel loved, valued. I wanted someone to tell me they loved me everyday, that I was important to them, I needed words...I needed someone to want to spend time with me, to want ME! I don't want to EVER turn to someone who's unavailable for those things again, because the pain of walking away from that false validation is so horrible, and I'm left with the fear of trying to pick up the pieces of me, and my M, that I've willingly let fall to the ground.
I guess the point of all of this is that I'm hurting, I'm broken and scared, and yesterday was an all time low point for me, and today doesn't feel much better. I know everyone here says time helps, and i need to believe that it will, just really struggling right now...
My mantra has been to constantly tell myself that I'm doing the right thing, and i believe that I am. I know that i need to be true to myself and my family, give 110% to try to salvage everything, its just hard to pick up the broken pieces some days...

Sometimes love just isn't enough.... NC since 7-30-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
In reply to: bk27426
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 6:39am

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
In reply to: bk27426
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 7:05am
Hi, BK. These are the toughest days. I find that's true of all loss. So recently, things were not ended and, as wrong as you know it was, it still met some need in you. My first 12 days were a horror show. I am not a beautiful crier. My work colleagues were quite alarmed at the sight of me. In those early days, I had to stop doing things that gave me comfort (sending emails to my xap) and learn new ways to comfort myself. (I wore a pair of fuzzy socks to remind myself that I was capable of comforting myself. Best socks ever.)

So, a couple of things about your post. You mentioned a need to feel loved and valued and daily told by someone that they love you. These are all external things to me so I'm wondering if you love yourself. I'm honestly asking. I don't think you have to stay in your marriage. You might be free to end it and start a proper search for someone to meet your needs in a new, out in the open relationship. It just seems to me if you don't start from a place of loving yourself, it might be impossible to find the right person to love you how you want to be loved.

So, a challenge: on this day that you're feeling broken and scared, experiment with things to try to find something that settles you today. Recommendation: no food, no booze to meet this need. Take up running. Sign up for a pottery class. Build a bird house. I don't know what might work for you but you're worth the effort.

Another point: you said you were so far removed from H. That is the point of an affair. It removes you from your current partner. You did the work to move away from him. You owe it to yourself to see if that relationship can be salvaged. I don't have the details of your situation and I would never counsel you to be somewhere you're being abused but you can figure this out. Be all zen about this. Your mantra may shift or expand to include "I am here in this moment, present in my life." The more we pine for xap, the less we are in the moment, head and feet in the same place.

These are early days. In two days, we'll be celebrating a week with you. Dig into the healing library. You already know how amazing the others on this board are. There is so much to read and re-read of their wisdom and generosity. I couldn't get enough when I first ended a little more than two months ago.

It's okay to struggle. It's completely normal. You're speaking to a T which means you're trying to sort this out. Make sure you're taking care of yourself. Water your own roots. Many have been down this path before us so we know it's doable. Just be patient with yourself during this uphill (nay, vertical) beginning.

Keep posting. It really helps. It's good to have a place to be where people know what you're going through.

Big hugs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2011
In reply to: bk27426
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 9:23am
Worth more, I had to laugh at the "beautiful " crier comment, I certainly am not, I look like a total mess today, and for once I'm SO glad that I suffer from migraines sometimes as I will use that excuse today for the swollen eyes!
Love myself, hmmm, right now I'm numb to love anything. Growing up as I did with alcoholic parents I believe I grew up thinking that I wasn't important enough, my love wasn't worth enough for them to quit drinking. Having to basically raise myself and my parents, well, I guess you become self reliant, strong in some ways, but weak in others. I have a LOT of self work to do.
My H is a good man, a wonderful father, but is lacking in the communication and showing of emotions department. He knows that I'm in T, and last night he could see how upset & taxing it was for me, and he wanted to talk but I just couldn't...he knows nothing about the A, and at this point both my T and i agree its best to keep it that way. I need to open up to him & tell him what I need, what I want, and to find out what HE needs to feel loved and happy in the M, and take it from there. Will take work, all in due time.
So, a great big thank you for the replies, I feel so much better being able to talk to people who "get it". I appreciate you all so much!

Sometimes love just isn't enough.... NC since 7-30-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
In reply to: bk27426
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 9:43am
Worth, that had some great observations and suggestions. It's true, and I pine a lot ... I am not in the moment at all when doing so. I feel like I was more tuned into my family, etc, when in the A, than in this recovery mode.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: bk27426
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 9:45am

Big (((HUG))).

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
In reply to: bk27426
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 10:01am

Hi BK! A big ((hug)) and ((squeeze)).

Many things about this post, and many of yours before, have really resonated with me. We are very similar, I think.

I am nearing 11 months out of my A so I see the light. But I didn't 11 months ago.

I was so removed from my H. A stranger to him. I couldn't remember happiness. I was two feet out the door. I was convinced I'd be leaving him. When I realized AP was not going to take me on in RL, I became extremely depressed. More removed. Hopeless. I felt that I was in a loveless, emotionless marriage. With a good guy, but who didn't express to me the way I needed.

At the insistence of both Ts that dealt with my affair, I finally read The Five Love Languages a few weeks ago. Please read it! It helped me a great deal. After I finished it, I told my H to read it but I knew he wouldn't, so we discussed it and I asked him the Qs it asked the reader and learned some interesting things about him!

It has taken months for me, just time time time and NC with any AP (and therapy! including hysterical cry sessions) to get to where I am today which is back with my H. Trust me - there are still struggles and in those moments of stress or argument, I can snap back to resentment and detachment real quickly. But overall I am finding myself feeling things for him that I haven't in a long time and honestly, a year ago, never thought I would or could again.

I didn't have a great model of marriage growing up. Of course Ts believe this is directly related to me not being able to connect with my available partner. And going for someone unavailable. I went for the MOST unavailable person in my life, really. I see that now. He was more than just an AP - he was the ultimate in forbidden fruit! The Ts also both felt that despite what my conscious says, which is that I don't want chaos and drama in my life, my subconscious actually craves it, and doesn't know how to live without it. So when life with H kind of settled down after a series of

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: bk27426
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 10:16am

Morning, bk :)

Therapy has a tendency to do that...bring everything to the surface.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
In reply to: bk27426
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 10:18am
BK,

I am so sorry for the depth of your pain. You are not has "broken" as you perceive. You simply have ripped off the layers of false comfort, security, validation and love you sought outside of yourself. You are standing without "clothes" on. You have "clothed" yourself with the wrong wardrobe for so many years. As children we trust our parents to "clothe" us with unconditional love. Wrap us in the warmth of their love and protect us from harsh elements. Our parents, we trust, would provide us with a closet full of "clothes" that we can pull out to meet the demands of the "day" when we leave home. Not most children receive this. So we go out into life and we are so unprepared and not well "clothed". Hence, the addictive behaviors we engage into in order to "cope", to feel love, acceptance and so forth.

What inspired me the most in your post is the honesty and self-searching you communicated. You are searching and seeking and I applaud you for the courage and determination you have.

And lastly, regarding your H, let go of any expectation you have of him. Hoping and expecting anything from him will distract you from focusing on yourself and learning to meet your own needs. Learning to self-soothe.

The Five Languages of Love is a great book. Maybe your H can read it. He needs to be on board with the marriage and be a willing participant in making the partnership a success.

BK, you are so loved. You are special and you do make a difference.

xoxoxoxoxox

Progression
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
In reply to: bk27426
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 10:32am
Gotta say I am looooving all the support and advice in this thread for BK!


Y'all rock. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2011
In reply to: bk27426
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 10:57am
Wgo, worth, Dee, miss, clarity, progression, rain...I can't thank you enough for your heartfelt responses, I'm so very grateful to each of you, as well as this whole community of strong, loving, open people who are willing to give and share so much!
You've brightened my day when i woke up thinking it was going to be another struggle...I feel loved and supported and "safe" here, thank you!

Sometimes love just isn't enough.... NC since 7-30-14