You guys are gonna be disappointed in me

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
You guys are gonna be disappointed in me
11
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 9:55am

The four of us got together this weekend, me and H and XMM and his W. We're all friends, so, that's a normal thing to do..right? Well there were a few times throughout the night where we were left alone. The first time he leaned over and gave me a quick kiss. The next time, however, I was walking past him and he grabbed my hand...and pulled me to him. So yes, we embraced and we kissed..all the feelings we had no outlet for all this time came out in a few minutes we were left alone.

How am I today? I don't regret saying yes to their invitation, but I DO regret letting my emotions come out the way they did. It is VERY clear to me that we cannot be alone together. I am not over here beating myself up, and there is no chance of me bending my "no private contact" rule, just because of what happened. I'm trying to take it for what is was...which was an opportunity for all the pent-up emotions to show it's ugly head.

There is no getting over the attraction we have for each other is there? I have no self-control when I am alone with him, nor does he when he is around me. I know those of you that are "healed" from your A will give me all kinds of words like "you are stronger then you think" etc., but I will come right out and admit this without shame .. damn do I miss his touch! Why does being in his arms feel so right?! (and did I have some vivid sexual fantasies after I left there too!!)

I guess as long as I stick to my guns and do not see him privately, its about all I can expect of myself. Emotionally, I still feel strong..but physical attraction seems impossible to overcome.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 10:42am

Hi There,

I lurk from time to time. My affair has been over since Aug, of last year. I went through hell and back and I still fight the demons from time to time on the emotional level, but I am much much much better today. What you are going through is very normal, I think there will just come a time where you will say to yourself enough is enough. We all have the rollercoster sindrome. IT SUCKS.... In your case it is alot harder to move on because you have the circle of friendship amongst each other. I can only hope that u will be ok in due time. Ending the affair is never easy. Good Luck

Hang in there, I hope you can find the strength to move on the sooner the better. I speak from experience of a 3.5 year affair. It broke me into pieces when it ended, but like I said I am BETTER TODAY........

Take Care
Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 12:30pm
I just wanted to comment on how familiar your story sounds. I too have been in an A with a MM that is a friend of the family. It makes it extremely hard to have no contact, I have been trying to maintain no private contact too. I slipped up when we had a get together over at my house and he kept finding ways to be alone with me, and I am just so damn attracted to him! Anyway good luck!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 1:41pm

I guess it's asking too much for those feelings of attraction to just go away.

But it did make me aware that I should do my best not to be alone with him. I'm only human, and this man has an incredible, um...tool ;) Sometimes I think he's satisfied just knowing how badly I desire him. Oh how I wish I could turn that part off! His ego does NOT need any help, yet I keep aiding in the inflation process. I guess that's the part that is bugging me so much. I feel like in the back of his mind now he's thinking "yeah, she still wants me" and perhaps feeling like the door may still be opened.

Good thing the four of us don't get together all that often, so I shouldn't have to see him again for awhile.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 4:12pm
I don't know your entire situation, but I can tell you that you don't want to end up where I am... I had an A with one of my good friend's husbands (he WAS my husband's friend also). The four of us were together all summer; our kids are best friends; our husbands work together, etc. Well, did I ever stop to think about what would happen if and when the affair was over? Of course his wife found out and now things will never, never, never be the same. She and I are civil to each other but I have to live with that guilt every day, about what I did to her family. At least he and I finally got smart and started NC. But if you want to know how to avoid him, make sure his wife finds out! She will never leave you alone with him again, trust me. I am there and if I could go back, I would change it in a second. It's not worth it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 4:37pm

His W or my H doesn't know. The only thing they DO know is that me and him are attracted to each other. They do both know that, but neither are concerned..can't imagine why. My H was a little concerned in the beginning..I've been able to tone down the way we are together around others, so I think he's relaxed about it. If I knew there was an attraction between my H and another woman, you can be damned sure I wouldn't leave them alone for a second.

Actually, the friendship between the four of us developed around the same time as our awareness that there was that attraction there between him and me. So, I think me and him sort of tipped the scales in the direction of all of us becoming real friends, so me and him can be around each other more. It's not like it was my H's friend first, then we started something. Still, if we were to suddenly stop hanging out with them, I think that would draw more attention. Even when I'm not chatting online with XMM like I used to, my H wonders why. So instead of just stopping everything all at once, I've been cutting back enough to give space between us, and still make it appear nothing is wrong to our spouses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 5:33pm
"It's not like it was my H's friend first"........The truth is that he is not your H's friend or yours. He is trying to destroy your marriage as well as his own. He is your H's mortal enemy. You need to disengage from this couple because he is going to put you into a quagmire from which you will not be able to escape. You need to devise a reason to tell your H so that you can escape this situation. Perhaps you could tell your H that you thought that you were becoming emotionally receptive to this guy or perhaps that you were afraid that the OM was becoming too attached to you. Anything that works. Hope this works out for you, H and M.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 6:43pm

Pup

" Why does being in his arms feel so right?!"

If your Husband or his Wife had walked in just at that moment how RIGHT would his arms have felt, do you think he would be there to hold you in those arms when your lawyer was handing you your DIVORCE PAPERS to sign or would they be around his wife while he begged her to take him back swearing all along that is was you that chased him and pulled him to you... that it was all YOUR fault.

Maybe you need to see those arms choking the life out of your family for the sole purpose of satisfing lust!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 9:35am

Ok, maybe I shouldn't have said "Why does being in his arms feel so right?!" rather why does it feel so good. There is nothing "right" about the situation. I know that.

Also, I wouldn't have been so stupid to do anything with the chance we'd be walked in on. We were downstairs and would be able to hear if they were coming. But I know the point you were trying to make.

Believe me, there isn't a chance that me and XMM will continue a relationship and I am also trying to phase out the 'friendship' we have with them, because although I genuinely like him AND his W, it's a very uncomfortable situation to be around when the chemistry between me and him will obviously be there no matter how much time goes by.

I've made important steps in gearing away from this circle of friends in which I first met them through. I cannot go into what those steps were, but it was very difficult for me to do, because I'm essentially walking away from part of my life I had BEFORE I met him. And that really sucks, because I see that his life goes on as it always had, and **I'M** the one that has to change MY life in order to not have to see him.

But then again, I knew that was a very real possibility BEFORE I got myself into this, so I guess this is the price I have to pay. Better that, than to have been found out and have many lives destroyed as a result.

Guess my reason for posting initally was because it seemed to me that emotionally, I felt better, so I thought I'd be able to deal with 'just hanging out' with them. And I was able to, until we were alone, then the only thing I wanted was to hold him. Sort of like a junkie that says 'just one more fix'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 10:00am

(((Hurtpup)))

Your post "REALLY" bothered me. Only because, why do YOU have to change your social circle at all? Why are you putting yourself under this unnecesary strain and loss?

<<>>

I still work with my XMM every single day, and although it was very difficult in the beginning, there was NO WAY I was going to quit my 15 year career just so I didn't have to face up to what we had done, or fear temptation that I would cave again. I made a "CONSCIENCE" decision to respect myself, respect my decision to end it, and put myself "FIRST" for once in my life. I set boundaries and rules, and told him if he were to break them, I would gladly announce to the outside world what a jerk Mr. Businessman was. NOW, I have him by the balls figuratively, and it feels "GREAT!"

YOU are the one who can be in total control of the situation if you would only allow yourself to accept your own power. Of course there will always be attraction, but so F'N what? People are attracted to others all of the time, it doesn't mean you have to act on it, right? Just put on your best "ACTING" gear whenever you are around him, and let him see the sexy, untouchable, getting-it-together woman that you are. The best offense is a "STRONG" defence. Trust me, eventually you will no longer have to act in front of him, because you will be "ALL THAT" to yourself and everyone around you.

~True~


 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 10:13am

Thanks for your message True..and I tried this <>>

But it only worked for a short time. You see, there was another reason, in fact, the deciding factor, as to why I put a stop to our A. Someone else began entering our circle of friends. She is a very attractive younger woman in which I had starting seeing them getting to know each other. As time went on, the attraction I was witnessing between the 2 of them struck a very familiar cord with me. So, basically, she is the reason why I cannot be stonger when it comes to taking back the social life I had before. I cannot continue to watch him behave with her, the way he used to behave with me..and then make it worse by lying to me that I'm not seeing what I think I'm seeing.

It will continue to be a source of heartache for me to continue going out with all the people I knew before, knowing she and XMM will be at the same gathering.

I AM a strong woman...but I can only be so strong.

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