You were all right....you told me so...
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 04-04-2005 - 2:23pm |
And I am a complete and utter IDIOT!!
I guess there is nothing to say, yet I have SO much to say. I'm hurt but more so, incredibly DISGUSTINGLY ANGRY!!
He went back home, out of his apartment, took all his things and went back home! But of course, not before he shredded all that he could of what was left of my heart. Spent weeks with me, my dd's and family. Stayed over....brought some of his stuff to my house...we went out in public...brought his dd over my house (mind she started calling me "Mommy"!!!...spent unbelievable time with me and said the most unbelievable things....UNBELIEVABLE IS RIGHT!!! Again, yes, he did this to me AGAIN, what this is the 3 time.....so I deserve it for being such....oh I don't know...an IDIOT!!!
Then, after an amazing time Friday night, I didn't hear from him on Saturday. I came home, his stuff was gone. I called and left him a vm. He didn't call me until Sunday night, to tell me, he's sorry but he HAS to do this, he "CAN'T LET GO AND DOESN'T THINK HE EVER WILL".
Well, well, well, I told him everything that I could of thought of at that moment and whatever I forgot, I then left him one long vm with.
I'm having horrible thoughts of wanting him to suffer the worst pain possible. I wanted to call his W as she called me and tell her every little bit of what she "thinks" she is married to, but believe me, I know it's wrong and nothing will come out of it. I'm not that person anyway, I'm not HIM! I can't PURPOSELY hurt, decieve, lie and betray someone for my own selfish needs! HOW DARE HE, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, HOW DARE I ALLOW IT!!!!????
I just want him in pain, I want him to suffer, I want to shred and tear his heart out! I did NOTHING but love him, be honest with him and gave him my ALL. Just so that he can take it and spit it out like vomit! That's all I was?? He still till the last second on that phone call denied it.....repeated over and over that he loved me, he just can't do this! YEAH RIGHT!
I'm also just as angry and disgusted with myself, how dare I be soooooo STUPID and NIEVE! That's just it, I wasn't nieve at all, I saw the fire and walked right in, maybe I deserve this utter humiliation and pain. I got BURNED! Wow, I didn't even feel this angry during my D, but my best friend reminded me that I did, I have just chosen to forget.....funny, it's true. I thought that I have NEVER felt so much pain, or hurt, but I did and I managed to turn things around and be OK, then I can get there again.
Did I say how I detest him and his very being! I hope these feelings go away, it's not like me to be so angry and I'm not even functioning right. It shows all over my face, everyone here at the office is telling me that I look annoyed.....ANNOYED is not the word, if they only knew that for the first time, I feel that I can actually HATE someone and THAT is a strong word let alone emotion...
So, all of you, go ahead, say you told me so, because you did and I didn't listen.
I'm seeing my therapist today and thank goodness because I feel like going to his house after work and ringing the doorbell and PUNCHING him dead in the face.....after, I'd like to walk over him (as he did me) go to his W and tell her EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!! She already knows a lot of it, but I'm sure there is a ton she doesn't know.
Well, luckily for me, I have my beautiful dd's and they will keep me focused. That will remind me to be a better person and just suck this up (as it was enormously my fault) and just move on...
Please help me make this anger and pain go away as quickily as possible, I don't like it at all and I don't want it to consume me...as always, thank you all for letting me vent, don't know who to go to, my best friend/mom know but they "told me so" and I can't hear that from them right now...
Doves
Still that "Bunny", just an angry one =(

Pages
Doves
I don't know you and have never talked with you but I have been reading your posts for quite sometime now, and my heart goes out to you. I have read when you were confused and didnt know which way to turn, I was in that same place at the same time as you, that is why I can recall those posts so well. You made a tough decision, and you should have no regrets. You never have to look back and say what if....or I should have, because you did.. You followed your heart and you took a chance..... Life sometimes doesnt work out the way we want and I believe the future must hold something so much better for you...and you wont have to question it, sometimes the hardest things we go through bring about the best endings.
I dont know if my words make sense or even make you feel better, just know we are reading in here and we feel for you and there are many of us...
A friend
Imagine
Bunny
So sorry to here that things worked out the way they did, Know that your way to good for this guy and can do better in a 1/2 second.
As for XMM I suggest BODY ARMOR and lots of it.
Free
THANK YOU ALL SOOOOO MUCH!!
You have all made me feel so much better. I cried on the way to my T yesterday, tried fighting it back but couldn't. Let a few tears drop while I was there, but my dd's wouldn't leave my mind for a sec! Once I left the T, I picked them up and couldn't stop hugging them.
See, no matter what, I have to remind myself that he is NOT the big picture in my life. I accept my choices and now I accept the emotions that I have to go through because of those choices. I'm wobbling back and forth from pure rage to great sadness, but that's o.k. I need to go through this, I'm just going to make sure that I "go through it" and not get "stuck in it". So, I will focus on the things that have always brought me happiness, those people that WILL always be there for me and those that truly appreciate me.
Thankfully, I have all of you to talk to and that in itself is such a positive outlet. Most of all though, I won't allow him to drain another ounce of energy from me...my dd's and I deserve so much better.
Mr right is out there, and whenever the time is right, I'll find him. In the meantime, I need to enjoy my daughters, family, friends....Life.
Don't get me wrong, this is hard but I'll be better in the end.
Thanks all!! =)
Doves (Still stuck in the utter RAGE part of it!!)
PS
Day one, no contact, not even on his end and I think this time (the way I told him off), he will finally keep away.
Pages