You will ALWAYS have.....
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| Sun, 10-10-2010 - 9:18am |
Unfinished business after ending your A. There is NEVER closure, making peace doesn't exist and staying friends isn't an option.
I struggled with closure back in May when I finally ended my 18mth long A. I felt like there should be some mutual agreement on what happens next, both XAP and I should part ways with respect and no hard feelings. Yeah, well...That didn't quite happen. The quick version is his W found out about his A and he started pulling back from me saying he needed more direction in his life and so began 6 months of freely handing over my self esteem to a man who now all of a sudden wanted to remain married....For the kids. And boy did those 6mths take its toll. I went from a strong and independent woman to a basket case..something Ive NEVER been before. All that and then trying to hold down 2 jobs, reengage in my own M and deal with the guilt I felt from not being the mom I should have been for so long.
Ive been gone from EAS for awhile, just due to time constraints and really working on moving on from the nightmare chapter of my life. Ive been NC since May 18th or so and even though I do think of him, I DONT think of breaking NC. I look back on my A and if it weren't for complete NC, XAP and I would have sat in one spot, spinning our wheels looking for that mutual way to part ways for years.
There comes a time when you have had enough and you have to save yourself. You have reached a point where there is no where else to go but up. You have spent time and effort trying to save the Titanic from sinking and realize that your little life boat just cant do it, its too much of

Exactly!!!
Great post.
There are different timelines for all of us, to reach the place you are at.
You are doing a good job.
Good attitude.
We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.
Welcome back, GLMB and hearty congratulations on your arrival in Tweenerville!
I woke up this morning with XAP on my mind---it rarely happens anymore, but this weekend has been hard for some reason--and your post right up at the top was just what i needed to see. Thank you for sharing your hard-won wisdom.
You're right--so right.
(((GMLB))
It's good the hear from you. You made some really good points in your post, especially how NC breaks us from spinning our wheels. I visualized being stuck in the mud as it splats all over everyone in close proximity, not to mention how it blinds our vision in the process.
<responsible for my own life and happiness, I can not wonder about XMM's.>>
It's such a waste of time and energy to wonder about the XAP. The past is over and done with, and the future is left to be seen, so living in the "present " (a/k/a a gift) will provide those special moments that we can hold near and dear to our hearts.
Love and hugs,
What a powerful post, and I couldn't agree more. No matter how far out from the affair, no matter how much healing & growing I do, there will always be residual impacts of this experience. My life is in a completely different place as a direct consequence of my horrible decisions. It is impossible to forget the affair when I am kissing my children good-night in beds at their father's new home. This wasn't the way I ever wanted my life or their lives, to be, and I will indeed be haunted to some extent, forever. I thought I had forgiven myself, but I am coming to realize that that just isn't so ... I feel the hurt of my family so deeply, I wonder if I will ever forgive myself. In my head yes I have, in my heart, I just can't (yet). I'm not being hard on myself, just realistic and not in denial about how my children were, and continue to be, impacted by my selfish choices.
So, what I can do to heal, I am trying to do. I continue to see a therapist and seek open and honest communication with all those in my life whom I love. Not only will I NOT tolerate them colluding with my bad thinking, I am also a much better friend because I won't collude with their bad thinking/behaviour either. While in the affair I never felt good about offer my opinion on what I perceived to be other's bad choices. After all, who was I to say!? Now, I can express my care & concerns and I feel trusted. When I share my thoughts & feelings with my children I no longer feel like a scumbag. I feel valuable for the first time in a long, long time. I can see my goodness. It is not forgiveness, but it is progress.
And that progress keeps me moving forward: a direction, not a timeline.
TU.
Thanks for posting everything.
GMLB,
I'm so happy to see you back.
GMLB- great post! I loved that thank you xxxx