Your Biggest Regret?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Your Biggest Regret?
26
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 10:13am

Dear Enders,

Anyone can reply to this thread, but for those of you further out of your affair, what have you realized is your biggest regret for going down this road?

Mine was, or should I say still is, the fact that I broke a promise to myself that I would NEVER get involved with a MM. I had plenty of opportunities over the years but always avoided them like the Bubonic Plague. I thought of it as despicable behavior, and would harshly judge any friend that had chosen this path. I actually lost 2 very close friends many years ago by cutting them off over what they were doing. Ugh! How I wish I could turn back the clock sometimes. Perhaps that's another regret I have? ;-)

Who else would like to chime in? I think it's important that we recognize where our forgiveness is needed the most.

((Hugs))

   ~Iddy~ 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 10:40am

For me it has to be the KIDS!

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 10:45am

I am 34 days out of my A, so I am not sure if that qualifies as further out, but I can identify two HUGE regrets:

1- Betraying my husband- which has caused a lot of hurt and trust issues.
2- Betraying myself- becoming a person that I did not like nor respect.

Jane

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 10:49am

Iddy,


I am not a veteran, nor am I even close to my tweener wings but I do have the insight that all of you wonderful leaders have given me. That insight is what helps me understand more and more what the A has done to me emotionally.


Top of my regret list would be losing my sense of self!! My feelings of self worth got wrapped up in his actions or inactions. If he didnt text me, I felt put off. If he wanted to meet for lunch, I felt great. I completely let him dictate how I felt, I let the highs and lows of the roller coaster eat away at my self esteem and self respect.


Running a close second is that I regret all of the time the A took me away from my kids. Not only did I spend time away from them, spending time with Xmm in the car after work talking and more often, other things, but I was a million miles away from them emotionally as well. Instead of helping with homework, reading stories or tucking them into bed, I was physically doing those things but my mind and heart were with Xmm. Ill never get those moments back, never.


The time away from my kids is second only becasue I am learning that in order to be a good mother and wife, I need to heal myself. I need to heal my self esteem and get back to who I was before the A that robbed me of being the person I once was.


Im so thankful for all of you. The strength that you have given me is what pulls me through each and every day. Its a long road but knowing that I am not walking it alone keeps me going.


Love to all of you.


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 11:33am

All my life, the most important quality to me in another person

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 11:55am
It's hard to pinpoint just one regret - I have so many. One regret that
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 12:47pm

Without a doubt, and it covers all my sins and regrets:

I regret that I became a despicable person who trashed my core values - the ones that I had always held so dear, the ones that _DEFINED_ me. I lied, cheated, took the easy immoral road, schemed, stole, was selfish, weak and EVIL EVIL EVIL. I victimized loving, innocent people to get what I wanted. I harmed people I love and myself. I degraded everything and everyone to gratify my basest and weakest self. I showed no love. I generated evil energy into the world when I had, my whole life, wanted nothing more than to be a positive, loving force and faithful steward of the legacy my parents entrusted to me and that I always valued above all else.

(more specifically, but only a part of the whole -I robbed my husband and children of what was rightfully theirs. I'll never get over that.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2009
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 1:26pm

My regrets?

NC since October 2, 2009.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 1:41pm

Would I be a terribly horrible person if I said I don't really have any HUGE regrets? Would I sound too cavalier if I said "It was what it was"? Maybe I haven't been out of it long enough. I guess I don't regret the A because in so many ways it opened my eyes to some things I've been needing to address regarding myself and my M for a long time. I am now addressing those things. Going to IC to address my personal issues, and

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 1:57pm

Regret getting involved in the affair in the first place. Regret degrading myself for a man who was totally unworthy of my love. Regret my weakness that I could not leave as soon as I saw the truth of it all - that he is lying, selfish coward, not that kind and gentle man that in my delusional mind I made him to be, who was just caught up between his feelings and his obligations - I regret being so forgiving and let him to betray me over and over again.

Regret all that time and energy wasted on NOTHING. Regret all the misery I subjected myself to by staying for too long in impossible situation. Just like others, I took away so much from my child and my amazing and loving husband, who would never in million years treat me the way x treated me.

I lost my self respect and became the preson I came to despise. I can only hope that one day I will be able to forgive myself for everything I've done, because I am in really dark place right now.

XOXO

Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 2:56pm

After reading these responses, I have to say that I am sorry if I caused anyone unnecessary pain by asking this question. The reason I did so was because I believe it's important to acknowledge just how consuming and destructive affairs are, not just to ourselves, but to our loved ones.

They sucked the life right out of us and then dump our remains on the side of the road for the vultures to feast upon. Anyone stumbling across what was left of us knows immediately that we are fighting to breathe, and in desperate need of help. I do believe it's that obvious to those closest to us; not that we had an A, but that we are surely suffering from something. They feel helpless and confused, and then what do we do next? We lie to them some more, pretending that everything is fine, and that we just hit a rough patch of sorts.

This kind of self punishment, IMO, is more than just brutal. Who would have ever gone through this had we known what the ultimate price would have been? We've all heard the saying, "If it looks too good to be true, then it probably is." Didn't any of us realize that all of those feel goods, exuberant highs, great sex, etc. came with a hefty price tag? Could we all have been that drugged up not to realize that this kind of euphoria has a very dark and forbidden flip side?

Your responses were raw and very honest, and this does not happen when we are still tip toeing along the edge of selfishness. I do believe you have to be several months out before you can clearly see the affair debris/stench that is now trailing behind us. It's called the aftermath. My asking what is your biggest regret produced an outpouring of remorse that is all part of it. I also think for many, that this is what holds them back from ending their affairs; they innately and/or intuitively *know* that there is going to be a painful debt to pay when they no longer have their partner in crime to lean on or escape with.

Thank you all for your contributions to this thread. For some I know this wasn't an easy question, and as much as the truth hurts sometimes, it's still very cathartic to just let it out. The more we can share with one another, the lighter our load will become.

((Hugs))

   ~Iddy~ 


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