You're the only one in this world I love....
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|Tue, 01-01-2013 - 7:16am|
... these words came out of the mouth of my 6 year old son 1st January 2013. It was followed up by the biggest warmest cuddle. This was the best way to welcome 2013 for me. Anyone that knows my story knows that during the 3 year A I had, I did not put my children first. Especially my then 2½ year old son. The effects of my A on him have been in my eyes devisating for our relationship, his performance in school, his ability to feel safe and wanted, his need for my attention dwindled the more I pushed him away in advantage for sending an SMS to my xAP.
My daughter was older and had recieved ample attention from me at a small age, so thankfully I don't feel I have negleted her as much as my son - though I am not saying she did not suffer that my main purpose for 3 years out of her life was to please another man that was not her father or someone she ever was going to meet. There we no winners in the situation I put us in, but I have made it my mission to make things better for my family.
When I think about my A ending, I can't really describe how happy it makes me feel - But just imagine Mary Popins in the sound of music running through the fields - that what I image when I think about it. Despite feeling this way - my marriage is not good. I am not happy with the man I married, and that is why I guess I got myself into an A. Now I am nearly 1 year out of my A, I can see more clearly, without distraction of my xAP, that I am not happily married. I am not happy the way my life has panned out. I am working on doing things for my H to improve things, but right now I am staying for the sake of the children. I am not saying I am giving up on my marriage, but I am finally accepting that there is a huge problem, and this year I have to focus on that. Last year it was my Children, this year it has to be my marriage. I don't know where to start, because I can't tell him he is the reason I had an affair - I mean I can't blame him for me breaking my wedding vows - but I do feel if he had been there for me, if he had supported me more, if he treated me better and showed me the attention I feel I deserve, then maybe I would not have been that down trodden wife that needed something more. I am and have taken responsibility for my A, but I can't help feeling my H has never had my back 100%. His family do not like me, and he has never tried to suport me, but always made me feel responisble for the problems. They all drink too much, and I don't and this makes me look like a stuck up bitch in their eyes. I have a good job and earn a good income to my family, but this does mean I am not at home baking cookies for my kids when they get home from school. I am not what they dreamed of for their son, and they treat me that way. I have a better job and earn more than my H, and I do believe this creates problems in our relationship. I am in constant battle with him about being a good wife and mother, and also doing the job I am paid for. He is always at home when the kids get home from school - I am not. But I do eat breakfast with them, and drop them off every morning. This does not seem to count. I have given my H a life with probably otherwise could not have had for himself, but he often guilt trips me about not being at home with the kids when they get home from school. I can't be two places at the same time, but I am always home to eat dinner with them, and help with their homework, bath them, and put them to bed.
Anyway I guess what I am getting at is - 2012 was about fixing me, and my kids - 2013 has to be about fixing my marriage. If after this year things have not improved, then I have told tmyself that 2014 I will file for divorce. I have learnt so much about myself this past year, and I have also learnt that I do not have to put up with being treated badly. I want what is best for me and my children - this year will be the big decider. And just so you know - I dream of being happily married with my H so I'm going to fight for it.
Much love WGO