23 months past the A, dating, and my fiery brain

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010
23 months past the A, dating, and my fiery brain
8
Thu, 03-31-2011 - 12:30pm

I am going on 2 blessed years of NC (I call it recovery from my A)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Hi Melinda, I'm not single, but it's such an interesting question I hope you don't mind me chiming in.

I don't have any other addictions (probably only because I have never touched alcohol, drugs, gambling, or cigarettes for fear of what might happen), but all my life I have been vulnerable to the high I get from certain people and certain relationships. Before I was married, my life was a chaotic rollercoaster of falling in love and breaking up with an endless succession of bad (drug dealing, violent), damaged (addicted, depressed, suicidal, cancer stricken) and forbidden (religious, married) men. I loved the feeling of reaching someone unreachable, seeing the beauty in them that no one else could see, feeling as though love could conquer all etc etc. God knows how I managed it, but at some point I had the glimmer of good sense to realise that none of these men would give me the stable family life I desired, and for the last 12 years I have been married to my wonderful H who is gentle, loyal, solidly grounded, kind, and good. But my vulnerability to that other kind of man is still right there, simmering just below the surface (as the A proves all too well). I'm desperately hoping that the work I am doing now will help me to finally get free from the lure of those highs.

What kind of men set your brain on fire?

Kat xx
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009

I can completely relate to your color coding mind set on dating. I also agree with your T that "caution with potential" is what gets us into trouble, and a that an emotionally healthy woman would see this guy as "red." This is where I always flubbed up because I thought I could fix them. IOW, I always went for the underdog. Well, as mentioned in your other post, every single relationship failed miserably. Ironically, Xmm was the most solid candidate out of all the guys I ever got involved with. Just one little problem...he was M.

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010

Iggy,

In therapy I found out I was/am a commitment phobic, along with being emotionally unavailable. I always thought It was the men I got involved with who were like this, so imagine my disbelief when I found out it was the other way around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009

((Mom))

This is the 2nd time you called me "Iggy." We already have one of those on the board.

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010

Kat, this is so interesting to me as a pattern!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010

Iddy I thank you for your wise words concerning "yellow" guys (the ones with 'potential'.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Melinda, I'm not a Pisces - just a naive, restless, endlessly optimistic Sagitarius. :) I would love you to start an astrology thread - what a great idea. I would be first in the queue for some insights into what my star sign means for my past and future relationships.

Iddy - on this Board you are warm, empathetic, loyal, generous, and open. I don't know what that means for your RL relationships, but here you are very loved!

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009

Melinda~

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Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha