An affair with a lot of twists and turns..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2010
An affair with a lot of twists and turns..
12
Fri, 10-29-2010 - 9:25pm

Hi Everyone, I am new here and I have posted this on another board, but I would like some more opinions on the matter from some who have gone through this. As of right now, I told him look, if you really are going to get divorced do it, and be at peace with yourself before trying to move on with anyone else. We spoke a bit, then I had texted him that and now he won't respond to me at all. Any ideas??

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Sat, 10-30-2010 - 12:14am

Hi and welcome. I

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2010
Sat, 10-30-2010 - 12:48am

Hi and thank you for your quick response! I am single, it's physical as well as emotional. It is very complicated....we have been friends for over 12 years, and in that time we were roomates with others, years ago, this all started then, went away for a while, then came back this past spring. I ignored the whole thing at first, but then thinking I was being supportive I became involved in many conversations and the physical side of everything. He wants to leave, I am not sure that would mean I would want him...hey after all I don't want him doing that to me...however I am caught, feelings of love I guess, guilt, upset that it's not different...why did he get married in the first place. We are both in our thirties just about the same age...I please, yes ask as many questions as you want, I just started rambling with this thing, I am not sure if I am giving enough info! He contacted me tonight, I

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Sat, 10-30-2010 - 4:00am

Hello there - I wanted to take the time to Welcome you, you've landed in a LOVING cyberplace. :) REAL women & a few men - who will

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2010
Sat, 10-30-2010 - 8:55am

Hello, and thank you all for asking questions, I think I am more suited to post this on this board, I appreciated the info from others, but everyone just kept telling me to go to therapy and no one has yet to ask me what I want. I can't say that I don't love him because I do. We have known each other and helped eachother through many things throughout our friendship minus the other stuff. I have no idea why he got married, it was like he did it out of obligation...I wish he would have ended things with her when she had the affair so he could heal and maybe be a good person for a relationship with me. He is not the type to run around, so when he had told me his feelings for me way back when I was actually surprised. We had always had way more in common, and enjoyed doing anything together where he and the now wife do not. Everyone has their fears of leaving something they know, but I don't understand the safety in staying with each other for so long. I guess I want to know his true thoughts and feelings...I want him to end his other relationship for himself first, become a whole person again, and then maybe we can explore thoughts of being together for real. He has a daughter, surprisingly as they have hardly any contact at all at home, and he pretty much spends very little time at home unless he is with his daughter. She just accepts this and ignores his aloofness...I don't get that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 10-30-2010 - 12:29pm

Jadaann-

I read through your posts over on Toxic Relationships and you did get a lot of good advice. EAS is a wonderful place and you will get a lot of support if you do decide to end your A. You said:

<<<>>

If you have read posts here you know that we advocate NC - No Contact. Your advice to your AP is spot on. He needs to take care of his current situation one way or another, without you. I know you want to be his "friend" and not abandon him, but you have a clouded, vested interest in this man and it's not possible to be his friend. Regardless, he's married - plain and simple. Your own words - he needs to become a whole person again. YOU need to be a whole person. Don't waste any more of your precious time on this planet worrying about helping him. Are you going to stick around here and let us help you? :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2010
Sat, 10-30-2010 - 2:00pm

yes! and thank you. He has called today, I have not returned any calls. There is no need to. I think what I said was pretty self explanatory. I am wondering, has any one ever had any good come from all this? Has anyone said okay buddy see ya, go get yourself together so if I do want you in the future, you don't make the same mistakes to me as you did with me? I agree can't be friends. I think he always saw us more than friends. And yes, having posted on the toxic board, I like that board, i guess I just felt everyone here would have a better feeling for EXACTLY what I was going through.

So how does everyone here maintain no contact? How do you avoid grown men showing up at your door in tears and not fall back in?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 10-30-2010 - 3:00pm

Great! Welcome! I'm not sure how it is on the Toxic board, but this one can be quiet on the weekends, so don't worry if you don't get too many responses. Also, I would recommend posting up under general discussions, unless you want to talk about something specific to being single (don't feel you have to post here because you are single) Posts seem to get fewer responses when they are down here - especially with the new board design.

<<<>>

It takes a LOT of determination and willpower. If you can, block him - phone numbers, email, etc. Make sure you read all you can on EAS, especially the Healing Library. You find a LOT of great reading. I copied and pasted tips on NC below for you:

TIP FOR MAINTAINING NO CONTACT:

1. Start by making a promise to yourself for upholding the following rules;

2. No contact includes every single form of contact with him/her..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Sat, 10-30-2010 - 4:49pm

Good Morning, J :)

I think the first thing you do to go NC, is TRULY DECIDE what you want to achieve by going no Contact.

To see if you're 1) Ready and 2) are Clear about your motivations and why NO Contact is good for you.

Like you, I had an xap that was considering leaving, going to counseling & telling me the Love thing, meant to be together etc. I was willing to do whatever it took to have that come into fruition. HOWEVER....the TRUTH is...I was in PAIN waiting like that, hoping wishing proving trying and you name it - OVER FOCUSED on him, him him that I frankly LOST MY PERSPECTIVE ABOUT WHO I WAS. Just to get a plain ole man, who at best...might one day cheat on me like he cheated on someone he promised loyalty to for life. I digress...

I came to the conclusion, that REGARDLESS OF THE "MEANTIME" circumstances (which in your case - like you mentioned- would be HIS divorce, HIS becoming whole again, HIS "drama" <=== not being mean - but truthfully - a divorce can be drama. Especially if its NOT yours, but youre INVOLVED. His w would likely have some dramatic feelings about you being anyhwere near her not yet divorced husband. Friend or not. (if that makes sense)

Youre with me so far right? :) Cause here's where I think it gets TRICKY....

It was my dear daughter, all of 22 years old ...that pointed out to me in one of my "what should I do????" crying spells, that said...The ONLY way that you two would EVER EVER have a NORMAL relationship is if this AFFAIR and ALL OF ITS components ended ENTIRELY. Move on with life. Reclaim myself. Live, Have goals, Dream, Be. LET GO. and if ANYTHING is suppose to come from this...that person will do all the work necessary to be a healthy person free and clear of anyother committment and be with you.

THAT's when I personally woke up to realizing I had to LET GO. Not half heartedly. Not NC to realize if he'd miss me. Not He'll see what life is like without me...NONE OF THAT. Plain old fashioned LET GO. Break up, over, final KAPUT.

Im getting there... :) Once I decided that it had to be over and WHY...then and ONLY then...I came to this board - and was INSTANTLY given the feedback that if I was SERIOUS about ending...NO CONTACT WAS THE WAY.

Why? Because the ladies here are a zealous No Contact cult? hahahah Well...sorta kinda...but JUST because its a damn miracle cure. :) jk jk

The reason I learned (and I've only been here a few weeks) that NO CONTACT is VITAL to a committment to ending it - is because affairs by their very nature...are EXTREMELY TOXIC. Whether we "feel" love or not, or are involved with our "best friend" or it just "happened...." let's admit it: WE ARE BOTH ENGAGED IN LYING AND DECEIT AND ILLICIT SEX. Not a Very good foundation for a relationship. During an affair, we act, think, feel and say things....that we would PROBABLY NOT do in a "normal" dating relationship. (and if we do...we must be able to focus on our own patterns...)

A mindset takes over in an affair that is In my opinion best described as temporary INSANITY. No Contact is the decision to give yourself SPACE from anyone or anything unhealthy. To CLEAR YOUR HEAD.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2010
Sat, 10-30-2010 - 5:48pm

Thank you both, that is a great start to finding things out and staying away from Mr. Drama, and yes, I do agree it is drama! I have never been married, but I have seen many get divorced, and the drama goes on and on. I am going to work on some of these questions. I don't have any opposition about therapeutic intervention, however, as someone who likes to walk in with my homework done, if that is what I chose to do down the road, I would like to bring this stuff with me. It all helps. Thank you! I like the idea of the no contact and it being just for that purpose with no intentions. It sorts out a whole ton of things! I did however listen to my messages cause he left one, didn't respond, but he sounded bummed out. It's not as effective as it used to be. Less as time goes on!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Sat, 10-30-2010 - 6:09pm

You'll figure it out. :)

You'll quickly come to realize that ACTIONS of HEALTH speak volumes more than the effects of pulling away from the addictive cycle with recriminations of "miss you,

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010

Pages