Am i as disgusting as he claims...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2010
Am i as disgusting as he claims...
3
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 7:42pm

I need some feedback. My A with a MM has been going on for over 2 years. It ended with heartbreak last week. I had spent the week with him

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2010
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 8:25am

First off, you are NOT disgusting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 9:31am

Welcome to endings, LF2, and sharing your story. My first reaction is this. "What's done is done." Perhaps there was another way to handle it, but if you continue to read here, or do some research on older posts, many MM's have tossed the SOW under the bus without blinking an eye. Affairs start and end every day. As already stated, there are no rules when having one, and with you being S, you can do what you want. Yeah, you lied to him, but can you imagine how many lies this man has told the woman he made vows to? Kettle calling pot black, honey. Right now his ego is badly bruised but he'll get over it. Now you need to do the same. No point on dwelling/obsessing over what has happened. You wanted out of your A and now you have the opportunity to shut the door on this self destruction and move forward with your life.


As far as seeing him at work, you need to act professionally with no further engagement on what happened. You are entitled to live your life as you please and he has no right to plaster you with guilt trips. Don't let him get close enough to do this. Cut him to the quick if he tries to engage in any further conversation. Feeling quilty over how you handled this is just a waste of energy. The real guilt lies in the deception of the A, and not in how it ended. Ending it is what's important here, no matter how it happened, just that it did. Now you are free to pursue an honest, open relationship with an available partner but I would suggest that you first give yourself some time to heal from this one. Affairs do a lot of damage to our self worth, and you will need to come to terms with why you chose this path to begin with. I am sure that you will never want to travel down such a dark and forbidden road again, so you will need get your emotional ducks in a row. ;-)


Are you in counseling? I would highly suggest finding a T who will help you sort out your feelings and whatever remorse you are dealing with. Remember, you are a good person who made a bad choice. We've all BTDT and you are now among people who want to see you put this mess behind you.


((Hugs))

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2010
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 10:08am

Oh i was so hoping

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 10:29am

LF2,

OMG!!! First of all, I should say welcome to EAS. When I read your post I was floored. You are someone I can completely identify with. I can't count the number of times I was called "dishonest" by my XAP. I am not single, but I too was expected to inform him of everything I did, everyone I talked to, and account for every minute of my time when we were not together, even though he had a wife and kids who were his priority. He expected that I would tell him every detail of my past (yes, EVERY detail, sexual and all), and if something ever came up that I somehow had previously left out (either purposely or inadvertently), he would tell me I was dishonest and that he could never trust me. WTF??? Did I owe him that information? There are some parts of my past I have not discussed with anyone, as it has no bearing whatsoever on the R. My XAP forced me to stop any kind of communication with another man who works with us, because he thought I was too friendly with this person (platonic friendship, just a coworker). There were a couple of times I had talked to this guy but did not tell XAP about it, and he found out anyway. The interrogations began. I dreaded being "put under the interrogation lights", so I finally stopped all communication with this other coworker, and to this day he wonders why.

LF2, you are not disgusting. Like the rest of us, you fell into a trap, an addiction, that felt great for awhile, that is until it started to destroy your life. You have come to the right place. You will find several of us you can identify with. We hold each other up and keep each other strong.

I want to thank you for coming to EAS and having the courage to post. I was missing my XAP (just a little) the past couple of days, but your post reaffirms one reason I'm soooooo glad to be out of my A. Keep reading and posting. I am thinking about you.

((BIG HUGS))
CSN

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2010
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 11:48am

OMG back! I don't think i ever realized interrogation, i think he was more subtile and smart about it. I would not speak of other men being attracted to me because i could

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 1:10am

You are not disgusting.


As MW

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2010
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 7:14am

Good morning BB


You made a good point about boundaries. Maybe i did not know what those boundaries were. When this A started I was M, i got D in the mist of this A. I thought the boundaries were when i found someone and i was ready to go to the intimacy level. I did not know it was even a the initial date stage.


I had told him over a year ago, i thought the only way to ends this was me going out and having sex with anyone. He said that would do it but i would never do that. Well, I

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 10:51am

Dear Looking,
You're not disgusting. Look at it this way... If one is in an A at all, one is not having a healthy relationship on any level, with anyone, at any time. A-havers, SW or MM, are in a mode that _assures_ that our relationships are damaged - because WE are damaged. It takes a healthy person, WITH another healthy person, to have a good relationship. So, meh... evs... your xAP is disappointed that you violated the 'boundaries', but you both should have known (_would_ have known) that neither of you are going to bring your best game considering the state you're both in. Right? So, now what? Pick yourself up and dust your self off, Honey. Now is the time to get out of the 'fog' and begin your journey to self-realization and improvement. Forget about xAP and what he has to say, or what he feels about you. It's all about YOU now. You are single, wanting more for yourself than you've provided so far, and you can get it; you just have to work on being healthy and whole so that the next time the opportunity to find love presents itself, you'll be ready. If you really dig deep and do the hard work, you will make better choices and happiness is yours for the taking.

Wishing you the best,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2010
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 10:27pm
I'm sorry you're in this situation. It can't be easy for you, or for anyone involved for that matter. I'm trying to look at this objectively. As women, my feeling is that we have to take control over our decisions and actions. The power is always with us to say "no." Always. I think this XMM has, or at least had, strong feelings for you but was conflicted. After all, even in the worst of marriages, it is sometimes impossible to leave even if the heart pulls you in another direction. I'm not defending anyone's actions here
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 11:43pm

What a great post, and a slightly different perspective too - and I can't agree more with women always being in control of any relationship. We can always walk away, always can say "no" to whatever is offered to us. Too bad sometimes we're too caught up in the drama to remember it.

XOXO
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**