and again he dumped me

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2010
and again he dumped me
21
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 7:34am

Hello readers, I am new to this board although I have been reading here quite a while yet. I have been in affair with a MM since

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 9:28am

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It doesn't sound like you are wanting to end your A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 1:18pm

JLH,

I'd like to welcome you to endings, but I am not getting the impression that you really want this A over. Correct me if am wrong, and until then, I will respond to you as if it *IS* over for for you.

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Is he with his W/family when he takes these vacations? Just checking because you see, this is his "family", and if you start whining about "When are you going to leave your W?" every time he takes a vacation, you are putting pressure on him he doesn't want to deal with, not to mention the guilt he is feeling when you are trying to make contact while he is gone. IMO, this man has no intention of leaving his M. He wants you around at his convenience only, and when he's on vacation, you become a problem to him.

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He probably has his phone turned off or leaves it in the motel room when he's out spending time with the family. How could he risk all those interruptions on his cell with his W standing right there? Do you actually believe what the two of you have is a real relationship? Honey, it's just an A. You are his fun on the side; an enhancement to his boring life, and you have no business messing with his RL. As harsh as that sounds, if you've been reading here for a while, surely you have to already know this on some level...

Affairs are not about love, honey, not at all. They are about two people using one another to get their sexual and emotional needs met. When they are not using one another, they are caught up in their RL which includes family, spouses, vacations, hanging out with the relatives and close family friends, etc. You are only a tiny piece of his real existence, yet you are allowing yourself to see this as so much more. It isn't. Here's some advice: Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option. All of his mushy words like I love you, you're everything to me, etc. are said in the moment ONLY to keep you hooked for when he has time to actually spend a few moments with you. OTOH, his actions are 1) Going on vacations without you, 2)Breaking up with you so he can go away feeling guilt free, and 3)Not ending his M because he likes things just the way they are with you, until you become too needy and desperate. What is there about any of this that shows real love?

It's time to take a good hard look at yourself and start seeing things for what they really are. You are either his OW or his XOW - seems to depend on whatever mood he is in. Is this how you want to continue living your life? Like a dirty little secret that he will discard whenever he feels like it? Come on, JLM, it's time to wake up and smell the dog dodo on the bottom of your shoe. It's a stinking A, honey.

When you come to the realization that you have had enough, we well be right here to see you through the tough weeks ahead. I would like to get you in a position to where the next time you work together you will be able to tell him, "Yes. It *IS* over this time, and I am done with this nonsense."

((Hugs))

~ Iddy~

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 2:24pm

Just love him,

Everything our CL-Iddy said is sooo true. Please for your own benefit, end this. We will be waiting when you do. She is right. Deep down you know she is. I know that after reading her posts you have to know that its just an A. You deserve better. No one deserves to be treated like this...why allow him to take from you any more than he already has. I hope you find the strength to yourself some justice. Walk away. We are here when and if you do....and I am praying you do.

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2010
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 4:12am

Hey CSN,


Indeed I was doubting between these boards. But now that I've read the posts here, I really want to end this A and I just hope that I am strong enough to do so.


Love,


JLH

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2010
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 4:20am

Hi Iddy,


Thanks for your words...I know they are all true, but whilst you're in the A, you just can't see that clearly.


During these vacations, he's at home, and I know he didn't respond because he is angry with me (because I was whining too much) and I also thinks because he wants to have the power to contact when he wants to contact.


Anyway, I told my friend yesterday and she said not to contact him again, even when he contacts me...she told me just to ignore. Pretty much the advice you all would give me here and I think it's a very good advice.


I feel that it is very complicated, because when we are together, we spend the day together, he often stays the night and he is just so sweet then but I know it might be all a farce.


And I am just angry that he keeps on dumping me during every vacation, I think it's really mean, only during the last Christmas holidays he didn't dump me. I know I might be whining in his eyes, but I just ask him when he's planning to come and stay with me for good, but then he just gets angry and he really doesn't want to talk about that.


I am so glad with this board and you all, because yesterday I kept on reading the whole day, I also am reading the book 'Having an affair' (it is really good) and just because I was reading all those things, I could keep myself from texting him again, but it was really really hard. I'd wish I'd never had to see him again, but I see him daily at work, and how is that for NC?


Thank you all for helping me :-)


Love and hugs,


JLH

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2010
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 4:22am

Hi Luvin,


I am now really trying to walk away :) I just hope I have the strenght to keep walking away and not going back again...


Love,


JLH

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 8:32am

You responded to Iddy,

I am responding to you....she may or may not chime in. I have to speak, because it hurts me to see you in this much FOG.

OH, I like your friend, You did need spend a lot of time with her. She is right. Ignore him.

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You really do not KNOW for sure why he is not responding. All you know is what he tells you. His family very well may be present, afterall, they are his family and they do live together. And if he likes to control when and if you talk, why do you go for that? why have you allowed him to do that to you? Thats what we call manipulation around here and sounds like he has you licked.

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IT IS A FARCE!! It is an affair. I do not care if he spends the night with you 5 times a week. Sounds like he have two women taking his crap...sad. Sweetie, we all feel that we are all very special. We all feel the time with ExAP are wonderful and magical and sweet and loving etc....my MM stayed the night with me often.
<< I know I might be whining in his eyes, but I just ask him when he's planning to come and stay with me for good, but then he just gets angry and he really doesn't want to talk about that.>>

HE IS NOT GOING TO LEAVE HIS WIFE FOR YOU!! HE IS NOT COMING TO STAY WITH YOU FOR GOOD!!

I hate to be the bearer of bad news. I know you may be thinking, what does she know. She does not know how we FEEL about one another. The man is ignoring you.

But let me entertain your fantasy for a minute...say he does by some miracle leave...what do you think you are going to gain? Say he leaves her and you too are happily together. Do you not think he will not cheat on you? I do not care how much he bad mouths his wife (if he does, they usually do)
Old saying on this board "If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you will be married to a man who cheats on his wife!"

and he is mean, but you let him do these things to you...you can end this and take control of your life. You have to make the decision, we are here for you when you do. Its now easy, but it can be done. You are so in bad place, sorry, I been there done that. I wish you could see that you could be free of this drama and stress

As far as work goes...there is a thread called LC....I have never had to be LC, always been NC, but it works. Our CL made it thru her A LC and there are other success stories of LC.....so even if you do work with him, you can end the A. Its up to you. Sending you strength.

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2010
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 9:28am

Hello Luvin,


Thank you so much for responding.



Well, since he always responds, I am guessing he is mad, he never responds when he is mad. He got mad because I wasn't all that happy to him. Well, I wasn't feeling happy of course. So he broke up with me, because it annoys him that and these are his words: "I am always so negative and I am only whining". And I think that's just really mean, because I am always there for him and I am literally his doormat. And I don't want that anymore, and I am really mad now myself, so this helps me to stay NC, though he hasn't contacted me either since last Thursday.



Well, I know that you're right. I do think he loves me (perhaps even in his own way) but he is ignoring me and that doesn't feel good. It makes me so angry and ik makes me even more angry because I know that at work he will go after me again, since it has always been like that for the past 2,5 years.



Well, I really want to end this A, the only thing I am afraid of is to be all alone again, and I don't want him to have another OW, so that's where I'm afraid of as well, I will definitely start reading the threats LC and hope that it will work for me. I wish I'd never see him again, since that would make it a whole lot easier for me. Yesterday I so badly wanted to text him, but then I thought about how mean he is for ignoring me, so I could avoid that. :-)


Love,


JLH

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 3:09pm

Welcome to Endings,


I see that the Vets responded and although I see where they're coming from, sometimes I tend to disagree.... even thou you may not *want* it to end I think that you know you *need* to end it.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 3:23pm

Lost,

I am so proud to read your post....its like my lil sis just graduated from high school. I can see your growth and wisdom..so happy to have you back posting.

Just love him, we were like you not too long ago....we know your pain, we btdt.
We are trying to stop you from wasting anymore more of your time...we care. Mark her words. She is on point. Hope we can bring you comfort during this time....we hope you do whats best for you.

We are here when you are ready...

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida

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