back in the saddle again?? need help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2009
back in the saddle again?? need help!
9
Sat, 08-14-2010 - 11:26pm

Its been a long time since I was here. Last time I was here I was married and in an A with a MM. Now I am separated and as of yesterday just got out of a relationshipe with a MM- his idea. His wife got suspicious and he can't think right now.


I am seeing a counselor..... still I continue to make poor choices about men. My counselor says I continue to choose men who are unavailable to me. Before I started seeing this MM I went out with a SM for 3 months until he broke up with me saying he wasn't happy but he lived 6 hours away- we met online and in reality I hadn't even separated from my H when we started that relationship.


So.... I have gotten nowhere and I'm not sure why. When the relationship ended with the SM I was strung out for weeks on end, depressed, sad.... then I started seeing the MM and we are now broke up and here I am once again depressed as ever wondering what the heck is going on in my

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 8:20am

I'm sorry you are hurting and back, but welcome Tessa :)

I'm glad you are seeing a counselor. IMO, you need to take a break from men right now until you do some healing. You said you started seeing the SM before you were even separated. If I understand your post, you are separated now, but not D yet? I'm single, and as of today, 7 weeks out of and 7.5 year long A. I'm asking myself the same questions you are. Why did I stay for so long with a man that was not available to me? Why am I scared to put myself "out there" for an available man?

You are right, you should have known better. I assume since you were on EAS before, you went through it all, including NC. When we break the NC rule, we get hurt. We contact our XAP and then we quickly realize that nothing is different. Did you think things would be different with this MM? Don't even worry about finding a single, available man right now. I would like to hear what YOU think - why do YOU think you let it happen again?

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 9:17am

I know I will probably get criticized for this one, but when I started my A with a MM it started with a friendship that developed into something deeper.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 1:13pm

Tessa,


Welcome back to the board. You've already received great advice from two or our members and I would like to reinforce that advice. Right now you need to concentrate on YOU without any male distractions interfering with

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2009
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 1:40pm

You asked me why would I let it happen again- get into another affair? Thats simple- bc I want and have a desire to be loved. And for some reason the unavailable men come to me and the conversation starts and before you know it you have a routine going- you chat and email and talk throughout the day and me being a very addictive person, I get addicted to that and then all of a sudden it becomes more and it becomes physical and you don't really believe it when they say they love you but you certainly want to believe it and then the ending comes- their wife finds out and here I am wondering again- how could I let this happen? Where are the single men? Why is it that only wrong and long distance and married men seem to come into my life? And I am a sucker for love, any love it seems knowing good and well that I will be the one hurting in the end.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2009
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 1:48pm

Thanks for your reply. I've never thought about reading 'abandonment' books but now that I think about yes, I guess I do feel abandoned. I never understand how men can be calling you several times one day, emailing and chatting telling you that you are #1 and they love you and then the very next, even that same day they are able to quit and not look back- all of a sudden you are # nothing and a "who are you?" and what once was lovers now he just wants to be friends. Men have hearts of steel- I will never understand how they can do that.


Thanks,


Tessa

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 2:14pm

Tessa -

The book Iddy recommended is really good - I read it also.

I completely understand your want and desire to be loved. I want that in my life very much too. But in order to experience the real love you deserve, it has to be with a single man. I can't answer where they all are - I'm working on getting myself to that step! You have to trust the universe - it will happen when it's supposed to happen. The main thing to remember is to not go down the dead end road with a MM again. I hope you read and post - we're all here to help you. :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 2:32pm

I don't think men have hearts of steel.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 3:17pm

I think we are all saying the same thing here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2009
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 9:18pm

Thanks you all! I guess I put too much hope in the hogwash that spills forth from the MM mouth. I guess I want to believe what they say so much and I've got to learn to not even start a conversation with them or a friendship for that matter bc I should know that if their is an ounce of disatisfaction in their marriage then they are going to be on the prowl.... maybe that is too harsh. I actually believe what they say to be true about the feelings regarding their marriages but having an affair to make it better for them doesn't work- well maybe it does for them but it never works for me.


So, if another MM tries to enter into my life I will really have to back away and think and remember