Can someone please give me some M advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Can someone please give me some M advice?
Wed, 02-29-2012 - 1:30pm

Hi (((everybody))),

It's been a little while since I last posted, but I thought I'd try out the new "Fireside Chat" area and see if you guys can help me out with something I've been struggling with at home, as I don't really have any idea where else to turn. I'm going into my 4th month of NC, so no issues there, really...but my marriage has hit a serious rough patch that has me worried it could send me into a "relapse."

My H and I moved across the country 4 months ago so I could take a new job, and he has not been able to find any work. Let me rephrase that. He has not gotten a job. He has sent out tons of resumes, maybe had like 2 interviews, but that's it. I think he's holding out for his ideal job, but we just desperately need money. I have been covering ALL of our bills (including his personal credit card bills, etc.), and I don't really make enough money to do this. I find myself becoming completely disgusted by him...he sits at home all day every day while I bring home the bread. He has lots of work experience, is extremely professional and intelligent, he just can't/won't find a job. At this point I don't even care if he has to wash cars or flip pizzas or something...the strain is becoming unbearable, and it's making me become even more emotionally distanced from him.

Thing is he has never pulled his weight financially in our marriage. Since the day we met I've been the primary breadwinner. I thought after nearly 10 years of being together this would eventually change, but it hasn't. I am not looking to be "taken care of" in any way--I like working and have no intention of stopping or anything like that--it just gets taxing being the ONLY one who can contribute to savings, buy groceries, etc. We're in our 30s and because of this financial drain, we are nowhere even close to being able to think about buying a house, cars--anything. I feel like I'm in the same place I was when I was 24, only *I'm* making a fine salary...I'm just covering someone else's expenses seemingly indefinitely.

Can someone give me some advice? Has anyone dealt with anything like this? Am I being unfair/impatient? I have tried to talking about it to people before but they are quick to label me "materialistic," which I think is unfair. I've been working my a$$ off since I was 16, and I just want to be working TOWARD something...not living paycheck to paycheck. And have financial issues in your M ever led to overall marriage problems. Truly ANY advice/tough love would be much, much appreciated. Thanks.

Avatar for blueclouds1627
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Wed, 02-29-2012 - 6:37pm

Hi silver. I'm not sure how much advice I can offer, but I have been there...sorta.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Wed, 02-29-2012 - 8:53pm

Blueclouds, thank you so much for taking the time to respond. It was VERY helpful. I don't really know anyone in real life who has been in a situation like this, so no one can really give me any advice. It really helps to get a LITTLE validation for feeling the way I do. He's always made enough money to cover his half of the rent and his own credit card bills (could not pay car payment and a couple of other things), but I've been the only person able to save up money. He feels he has been "pulling his weight" because he pays for his half (what he can't pay in actual money, he now we have lovely credit card debt to deal with, too). Anyway...I grew up very, very poor, and really the ONLY thing I knew I wanted in adulthood was financial security, so I resent being accused of being selfish and materialistic for that.

So I'm trying to be supportive, but I guess I've got years and years of resentment piled up inside me. At this point sometimes I feel like I should just cut my losses and live on my own, since I'd at least not have to cover another person's bills in addition to my own! I mean, I'm literally petrified that he is going to break us; both of our cars are on their last leg and of course we have no money for new ones!

Ugh, sorry for pouring this all out. And yes, this is the exact sort of weak moment when relapses happen, so I guess I'll just keep posting around here until it passes.... :( :( :(

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Wed, 02-29-2012 - 10:04pm

This might be a dumb question...

But have you talked to him about this specific issue? Have you laid it out for him the way you have here? Have you told him that you're scared, and that your fear is turning into resentment?

Does he know how you feel about this issue - and why you feel that way?