How many times have you "broken up?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
How many times have you "broken up?"
Sat, 09-06-2003 - 6:38pm
Just wondering. My MM and I ended it 3 days ago. This happened 6 months ago also.

He called after 11 days. Both times we ended it because of guilt. Both times I was the one

who brought it up and he took it and ran with it. Both times it came after we seemed to

be getting closer. Ours was an emotional affar (1 year), but seemed to be heading for


I am feeling better today and this time has been much easier than last time. He sounded

very resolved about this when we last spoke and I truly do NOT expect a phone call, but then, he sounded very resolved 6 months ago, too.

So, though I know this is for the best, I can't help but wonder.... How many times

did you and your MM end it before it really, really ended??


Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-06-2003 - 9:30pm
My affair lasted about nine months with an additional 3 month friendship. I think I tried to end it several times before I succeeded. I think I tried to end it something like 4 or 5 times before it took. Even then the friendship, necessary because we worked together, was very painful. And even after I stopped seeing him, I still thought about him all the time. He contacted me after about 2 1/2 months of NC. We were in contact for 2 weeks, then I left again. About a month later we were in touch for a day. It finally really and truly ended about 17 months after it began, on June 24. I have no intention of ever speaking to him again. It's like I just got to a point one day where I realized that no matter how much I loved him and how much he claimed to love me, that his actions weren't really in keeping with his words. Once I realized without doubt that I deserved better it was easy to stay away.

I have no idea if I'll ever see or speak to him again. I can envision his coming to me to tell me he has gotten divorced, and I can envision saying, "So what?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Sun, 09-07-2003 - 9:21am
That is a good question and one I've wondered about in relation to other people myself.

I'm in NC now.XMM ended it almost 7 weeks ago without warning(when he'd said previously we'd NEVER say NO CONTACT because you never know what life will bring.)

About a year and a half ago he tried to end it.Not that he didn't think it was phenomenol with us but he couldn't handle it,etc.He told me to concentrate on my life here.

I thought that was the worst pain and felt ill.

This time he seems to mean it.He said he'd never speak to me or contact me again.He told me to Enjoy my life.

BUT he also used some vicious choice words which made me think he's suffering guilt for the first time-"maybe now I do regret""why don't you call another boyfriend" (VICIOUS)He also did NOT sound like himself at all.It was then and still now,almost 7 weeks later,almost eerie.It was as if another person inhabited his body and soul I swear it.

And he did not even have the decency to call ME and tell me goodbye.

3 and a half years and I was the one to call and say Hi and he started with "I really cant talk and I don't think I want to pursue this anymore.) And then the shock and destruction of my life and 6 weeks of tears have come.

So to answer your question he broke up TWICE with me.People say they keep coming back.I doubt it with this one.

He's one man who's got MANY problems incuding Attention Deficit Disorder (which I know contributed to this all.) Right now I'm just reveling in the fact that my marriage is still intact after all this and I've got a wonderful H and sons that need me.I want to try to be happy with them all.I was for l8 years prior to ever having XMM walk back into my life (he was my old HS sweetheart once.)And mostly that I didn't think I would but......

I've lived!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Sun, 09-07-2003 - 9:54am
In a relationship that lasted over 3 years (he says 4, I say 3), we broke up about 12 times. He did once and I did the rest! I either didn't really want to end it (really wanted reassurance), wanted to end it but was scared of being alone, or thought we should end it but wasn't ready. We would be apart anywhere from no time to a few mos. but always talking. We never did NC until it was really over.

When it really ended -- looking back on it, it was a slow process of spending less time together, dating others (single guys) and sort of withdrawing emotionally over time. Then when I ended it (I'm not saying I even realized what I was doing at the time), it was really over & I never looked back. But it took 3 years to get to the point where I was ready. I regret that the most.

I think I wasted all those years that I could have been in a real relationship or relationships that could have enhanced my life in terms of personal growth etc. I don't even completely regret the affair. I just wish it had ended much much sooner. I'm grateful we were never "caught" also -- that's a huge risk in continuing it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 5:43pm
For us ,it was 3 times .

I think now though it is finally finished.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 5:50pm
I have no idea if I'll ever see or speak to him again. I can envision his coming to me to tell me he has gotten divorced, and I can envision saying, "So what?"

I just had to comment,see this is the very thing I fear !! I am so afraid I will find out through him or people we know that for some reason he got Divorced. I dread hearing that. I know I will be heartbroken and seriously ,It doesn't matter how many years it's been since i've talked with him ,I know it will still hurt like crazy .I hate this lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 10:35pm
I've tried to break up with MM about once a week over the last year. I keep going back. It's tough because it's a mostly emotional relationship so it's easier to convince myself that I'm not doing anything wrong as long as we don't touch. But he's not in it for the friendship... He's a hopeless romantic who tells me how much he LOVES me all the time. All I can think is "his poor wife". I would probably be doing her a favor to never talk to him again... but- well, it hurts. :-(
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 11:48am
We've had three major disagreements, each time he stopped talking to me for a while. He's M and I'm S. Each time I mentioned that someone else was paying attention to me afterwards, he came right back.

This time I'm not sure what we're doing. We haven't had an arguement, but he seems to be pulling away from me again, so maybe this will be the last time and I'll finally be able to let him go w/o wanting him back.

I always want him back, even though I know I should let him go. Why?

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-13-2003 - 12:18pm
You're not doing anyone a favor by maintaining this relationship, least of all yourself. If he's saying he loves you what you've got on your hands is an emotional affair. From what I've seen on this board in the many months I've been here I can tell you that emotional affairs can often be MORE difficult to leave thant he regular physical kind. My advice to you, not that you've asked for it! is to put an end to this mess. The man is married and that means OFF LIMITS. If doesn't realize this then let him go find some other woman who is willing to live in a fantasy world with him. You sound far too smart and loving to allow yourself to suffer through this any longer.
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-13-2003 - 12:23pm
You want him back because you love him. We want to be with people we love and we get sad and angry when they pull away and hurt us. Howevever, this man just is NOT available. He's married. He belongs to and with someone else. Has it ever occurred to you that you deserve better? Has it occurred to you that you deserve someone who is available to be with you 24/7, in a full and wholly committee manner? What you've got is a cheater and a liar. And it's true that you may love him and he may love you, but the man can't be yours. You deserve better.

Does it hurt to leave and not look back? Yes. It's like losing a part of yourself. I've walked away from my MM several times. I'm single too. I'm all alone in the world. Always have been. MM was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. But you know what? One day I woke up and realized that he was treating me like crap. That he lied to be and strung me along and I decided I just wasn't going to put up with that any longer. We need to stop looking at these relationships through rose colored glasses. If we can face them honestly what we find usually isn't very pretty.

I don't mean to sound holier than thou. My intention is to give you all the encouragement I have to leave this man. You deserve someone who is single and free to be with you all the time. If you don't need that and you can be satisfied with the crumbs of a married liar, more power to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 1:36pm
I'm a little embaressed because I joined this board a few months ago with an idealistic view that my MM and I were through and nothing in this world would make me go back to him. When emotions were at an all time high and my will was weak, I broke down and plunged back into the depths of this horrible relationship. I didn't even have the guts to come back onto the board to update my situation because I know that a handful of people who knew the truth would shower me with that cold reality. He had left the W and gotten his own place. He even went as far as proposing and I thought this was what I wanted.

Lo and behold, as soon as he started to feel comfortable in our "stable" new way of life, the changes started. He started talking to me in a less than respectful way. He started cursing at me (something I never thought I would hear him do), and he started to treat me like the one things I never thought he would treat me like...his soon-to-be ex-W.

This is a big reality shock for me. And although our union has gone through the cycles more than a dozen times. I think this was the final realization that opened my eyes and stole my heart back. I'm not the OW/Younger Girl he is trying to woo any longer. I am the younger girl that he managed to bag. (He's 41 and I'm 24.)

I think that breaking away is hard, whether its this type of relationship or any other kind. If you think about it you and that other person came together out of some sort of need; emotional or physical. And for a while that person was fulfilling that need. It's hard to let it go when they have been making you feel so wonderful for so long.

That's just my little view on it. I've been hard on myself, as I'm sure you have, for constantly running back into the arms of a complete undeserving SOB. But, we are human, and its our emotions that make us so. Hope that helps!

Kat (=';'=)