i ended an affair. it was the right thing to do so why do i feel so sad? (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2010
i ended an affair. it was the right thing to do so why do i feel so sad? (long)
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 5:06pm

last year, me and one of my coworkers started having an affair. i am a single 28 year old girl and he is a 43 year old married man. we had been working together for almost 3 years before the affair started and it all started when we went on a business trip together. i had always admired him as a person and a coworker but have obviously never made a move because i always believed having affairs was wrong and was against them.

the first time we had sex i immediately felt wrong about the situation but at the same time i realized exactly how attracted to him i was and how much i really cared about him. so i was silent about the whole situation for a while. when i finally did have a serious talk about the affair and his wife he said while he did feel guilty about it he was also having problems with his wife. he said he couldn't afford to divorce her because he is in debt from some bad investments and she doesn't have a job so he would be digging himself into a bigger hole financially (just for some background info, his wife is his second wife whom he had no children with. he has a grown daughter with his first wife but he got a divorce from her because she had cheated on him). he also said that things hadn't been going good between them for a couple years and despite trying couples counseling and making an effort to help the situation that they have grown apart and that she has become more of a roommate than a wife. she has also been going back and forth to her parents place in another state for the past several months.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009


Welcome to endings, and I am sorry you are in so much pain. Ending any relationship hurts but when it's one that never really got off the ground, we are left with a bigger void inside of us than the one we started out with. Your affair, I'm afraid, is no different than any other story you will read here. We want to believe we had something special with this person, but truth be told, your gut instincts told you right from the beginning that this was wrong and contradictory to your beliefs. Of course feelings are going to develop in A's, but they are shrouded by lies and betrayals, thus devaluing them on certain levels. The heart doesn't always agree with this, but our rational minds *know* it will never be anything more than an occasional encounter always based on stolen moments.

This is no way for a young, single woman to live. You have your whole life ahead of you for finding a single, available man, but rightnow you have to focus on trying to let this go, take time to grieve this ending, and then learn all that you can as to why you ever thought a MM would be able to give you what you need. His excuses for not leaving W #2 are much more than what meets the eye. If he really wanted out of his M, he would have made it happen. It had to be very flattering for a 43 year old man to get a 28 year woman tofall all over him, KWIM?

I would suggest that you read our Healing Library which is packed with wisdom and insights (it even has 2 threads specificallydesigned for this) and review the No Contact (NC) thread and the Stages of grief thread. The only way you will ever be able to get this man out of your system is to go NC right now. He is flying away as I type this, and holding onto any hope that you'll see him again willjust be a waste of more valuable time that could be put toward healing and moving on. There is also a thread under the general discussion section started by "Newlife" (who is also S and our newest newbie), She put a lot of time and effort into posting articles re. NC, and there is a ton of information there.

Just know that you are no longer alone, and that every gal/gent on this board has or is going through what you are dealing with right now. You are very raw and we respect your pain, but also know that it will not feel like this forever. You will get over this man, but it will take time, patience, and a lot of hard work on your part.

Again, welcome to the board. We are here to help you get through this.


Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010

I know I just sent you a PM, but also wanted to welcome you here as well, and echo what Iddy said - you have your whole life ahead of you. We're pretty much the same age, and I know I have my whole life ahead of me. But, I also understand because I didn't always feel this way - it took me awhile before I 'clued in' that I had way more going for me than some old(er) MM who got his ego inflated by having a hot 20-something fawning all over him. Yes, feelings were involved (but, based on a dishonest foundation) but at the end of it all he would have kept taking, reducing me to a booty-call, if I had let him. I heard it all from xMM - he wanted out of his M because he had no connection with her, she was/always had been emotionally abusive and controlling, he lost family/friends because of her, etc etc. Painted a really 'nice' picture of why he had to get out, right? But then, wouldn't you know it - he couldn't leave; afraid she'd kill

'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry