I have a choice and I made it

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2010
I have a choice and I made it
6
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 5:08pm
I have been lurking for years...on several boards. MAS, AAS now EAS and I think I finally made it to where I should be. For 13 long years (2 hours a few times a year) I was totally under the influence of a MM. I was the single OW. I thought I was in love with him and fell for every trick in the book. Finally I am at the "ENOUGH" stage. I am at the "I have a choice" stage. I am at the "LET IT GO" stage. The "Last Time" I allowed him in for his "2 hours" was on 9/1...hunting season started and he was in town for the week. He made his one and only visit that night, promising to spend more time with me that week...as usual. When he never came back, I blocked him on Email, IM, and my phones. It is done. I cannot think of single good memory throughout the entire A. I know he never cared about me, I was a challenge to him...a conquest. When I looked in his eyes I saw an empty soul. I am as much to blame as he, I was just as wrong in this as he. I guess my message to others in all of this is just to believe in yourself, know that you ALWAYS have a choice! Say enough. Let it go. Everything in my life felt so wrong until I finally ended it. The feeling of freedom is worth making the choice, it feels so right, you don't miss the MM or the A. I will NEVER be an "option" again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 5:46am

DB,



Bravo! You made the right choice. It was definitely time to clean out that dusty old

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 10:06am

DB,



Garfy


NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...


Fate d

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 12:50pm

Congrats and welcome!
As another S lady w/ a MM for an xAP, I can understand where your 'enough' comes from; the sense of freedom. But, there's all the ugly/uncomfortable feelings of 'how/why did I get myself into this?' and dealing with some regret as well. Still, you sound like you're on the right track! Though, I can't even imagine it carrying on that long - just under a year was enough for me!
Anyway, welcome and stick around - read all you can and post when you can too. Need more S ladies around here* ;)
((hugs!))

*Disclaimer: not that I want them 'here' because that means they've had and A and they have to do all the horrid work of getting out of one/dealing with the fallout. But, you know what I mean, right? :P

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

Walk n' Block. Total NC 08-13-10

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 1:28pm
Congratulations on BLOCKING and WALKING away. We are all so proud of you! It feels good to take back your life for you!

MovingON

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2010
Thu, 09-16-2010 - 5:21pm
Thanks to you Iddy for all the responses that you have posted to others, posts that I read over and over again. I was influenced by the hundreds of posts that I read to finally make the best decision of my life! Thanks to ALL of you who responded to my post. I know I am not alone, but when I was in the A I felt as if there was no one in the world who cared about me...especially the MM. I will not try to tear him down with words because there is no pleasure in being cruel. Why do we choose to allow ourselves to suffer needlessly? We live with our dirty little secret as it eats away at all of the good feelings that we are denying ourselves. We choose to be miserable instead. We all desire love, attention and being treated well, yet we remain in a situation that usually offers none of the above. There are so many good people with whom we can enjoy happy, loving, lasting relationships. There will almost always be unhappy consequences, suffering, painful memories, and hard lessons learned when we become involved in an A. Yes...we are only human and sometimes we just let circumstances lead us into temptation. I believe that we all have the strength to break the cycle of pain and heartache that we needlessly endure. I learned to love myself through all the pain, that is when I became strong enough to make the decision to stop it. I am finally enjoying being who I really want to be. Life is good. I sleep better and get through each day more calm and self-assured. I spend more time with my wonderful kids and grandchildren and I take much better care of myself. Ending the A is never a bad decision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 09-16-2010 - 7:20pm

Dove,



<<I learned to love myself through all the pain, that is when I became strong enough to make the decision to stop it. I am finally enjoying being who I really want to be. Life is good. I sleep better and get through each day more calm and self-assured.>>



Amen, sister. It is a prerequisite to love ourselves again before we can fully heal from such personal devastation.

   ~Iddy~