I initiated the break up but I'm hurt

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
I initiated the break up but I'm hurt
10
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 4:21pm

I've been married for 9 years. Wife is 8 years younger. I'm 46, she is 38

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 8:36pm

Sorry you are in pain, Pud, but it comes with the territory. You wanted your cake and ate it too, and as they say, too much

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 8:47pm

You did the right thing by breaking things off. What you're feeling now is a little jealousy and insecurity at the thought of her moving on. Let it go and move. You have a lot to focus on at home. If you're really only staying with your wife for financial security then you'll never be happy; eventually a new AP will come along. If you do love your wife then you should try to make things better. If the issues are sex and lack of desire, maybe you should try new things. She probably feels the same way and wants more sexual adventure but maybe she's too embarrassed to say anything.


If you can't work things out with your wife then you need to be a man about it and get a divorce. I'm sure you are capable of supporting yourself; at least you should be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 8:52am
Are you serious??? You are going to leave a faithful woman who is stable and doesn't make rash decisions for a woman with four kids, who cheated with you while she had a live in boyfriend and then found another man and started sleeping with him within about a week of being with you. Do you see where a real relationship with this kind of woman would go? She obviously has some serious issues and honestly so do you. All of us who have an A have deep unresolved issues. Notice I said us because I fall in that category also. Are you the kind of man who always wants to rescue a damsel in destress? It sure sounds like you are trying to do that with this woman. And where the h*ll is her children when she is bringing man after man into her household sleeping with them and letting them beat on her. You need to stay far away from this woman. If you can't stay away at least let your W go so that she can find someone who will treat her with honor and respect. If you and your W aren't having S it's time to talk to her about it or end the M. This OW is toxic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2008
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 9:40pm
Hi Pud. I know ending the A is hard but the best gift you can give both you and her is No Contact (NC). The thread I did want to suggest reading is the DDays in Healing Library as I know you are married. You would lose all the financial stability etc if you were caught. No Contact=No New Hurts and that always happens if you have contact with exAP. That includes deleting text and emails without reading. In time, pain will lessen. Welcome to EAS.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 10:38am

Thanks all but I broke down today (friday) 7-16 and did a driveby. It's confirmed, her b/f in now living with her full time. I went 18 days with no contact. In the past she would always contact me one way or another. My xap was very loyal to me over the years we had our affair and there was a little part of me that that was telling me it

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 11:24am

Pud,


Chances are that this new guy is going to use her worse than you did.


It is all here, written down somewhere, about how bad affairs are.


You were a cake-eater. Getting it from both sides. Weren't we all.


You need to find out what it is that drives you and then go for it. If it isn't your wife, and its only money than do that. The answer is out there.


It make take some time to find it. Just as it will take some time to get over this lady. You have put yourself in this mess, now you need to find out how to get out of it.


Welcome to the world of Post Affair!!!


We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 12:14pm

Do NOT drive by her again. Leave this woman alone to get on with her life. Period. I'm really trying hard to not lose it on you, because I'm sure you are hurting. I'm particularly sensitive to your situation because I WAS in your XAP's shoes. I am single. I was very loyal to my XAP. I told him hundreds of times he hurt me for the last time. He never believed me either. I would always contact him too. Well, now that I've finally had enough and haven't had contact for almost 3 weeks, he is driving by my house and my work all the time.

I can't say anything more, it won't be constructive. You chose to not and your marriage and now she is choosing to get on with her life. Leave her alone and focus on yourself.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2008
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 1:14pm
Pud, we all have broken NC at first so I know I can't judge ya. I will give you worst case scenario. Your exAP very well could go to your wife and tell all if she were to catch you doing the drive by her house, etc. It has happened. She is moving on like you had asked, for your sake you need to also. We all have been through the initial hurts etc so we do understand.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 3:16pm

You basically admitted using your W for financial gains. You treated your XAP like garbage to push her away. Now you are stalking your XAP because she has moved on.


Dude, the problem lies within you and how you have little to no respect for women it sounds like at this point. Not saying that this is who you have always been but you are in a very bad place. I will guarantee you that if your XAP came back to you you will still treat her badly. If you two got together you will then have another excuse why you are not happy. This isn't about your W or your XAP, there is something going on within you where you are searching and searching for someone to make you feel good. You need to leave your XAP alone because you really don't mean her any good. Of course some other man will want to be with her. Any woman can get a man to sleep with her. That's as easy as pie. You need to focus on you and why you feel it's OK to use women the way you do. I am not judging because I had an A and I used my XAP. An A is all about using each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 6:08pm
Mom_meandmyboys-I feel your right on your analysis. My mom abandoned me as an infant to be with a man and never came back for me. Father was not in picture.