If you have had a D-Day....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
If you have had a D-Day....
22
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 11:21am

Please use this thread to pour out your feelings, concerns, to ask for advice or where to find references, or just to vent your pain and confusion. If we keep all of the D-Days post in one spot, it will be a good resource for those who are/have undergone this devastating experience.Those of you who have rebuilt or D after a D-day are more than welcome to add to this thread too.

There is also the After the Affair board where this subject has been discussed, and CL-JustKim is very knowledgeable in this area.

http://forums.ivillage.com/ivillage/?category.id=iv-rlpostaffair

Thanks, enders.

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 2:21pm

I had a D-day 11 months after ending my A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 3:04pm

Hey Everyone-

I think its great to have a D-Day thread of its own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 5:04pm
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman are two wonderful books for helping to recover from my D-day. Both are available from BookDepository.

I would welcome suggestions on any other resources people have felt helpful.

The moment in time when my husband said "are you having an A with x" is seared into my memory forever. I was standing in the kitchen, mixing a batch of ghost meringues for my son's class for Halloween, and when I looked up and looked into his eyes I saw more pain than ever before in the 21 years I have known him. To my everlasting shame, my first instinct in that moment was not to care for my H, but to protect xAP and his family from harm. I guess that shows just how lost in the fog I was. :(

My H drafted an email to all of our friends and family, telling them what I had done and asking them to support him in raising our three children. I pleaded with him not to send the email and, finally, after days of crying and shouting and bitterness and tears, we agreed that - despite the terrible harm I had caused - our M was worth saving.

We are slowly, slowly rebuilding, and my M is better now than at any time during the A. But something incredibly precious was lost when I betrayed his trust and I'm not sure that we'll ever get that back again.

Daisy, I am so sorry you have had to experience this. I offer you my love and support as you start the long, difficult journey back to a healthy M.

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 5:14pm
Thank you Kat! It's been a long day today and it's only 4pm. My DH did come to lunch with my dad and me for my birthday, so I found that very comforting. He is doing his best to stay calm. He has never ever physically harmed me in any way and I could tell a couple of times last night he was close to slapping me, but stopped himself. I am so exhausted. I am dealing with Day 4 of NC this at the same time. I need to crawl under a rock. I honestly believe if my children were not here I would pack the car and go far far away. My DH and I were to go to counseling together tonight for the first time with his counselor, who he has been seeing for about 5 months, but now he has texted me and said he would like to go alone tonight. Not sure what to think of that. This sucks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 6:19pm

HI Daisy-

I'm sorry you are going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 7:17pm
Hi Daisy
My heart goes out to you, no one can understand the pain of a dday until you go thru one and even then we cannot comprehend the hurt for our spouses.... we are 6 months out from dday now, still together but everyday is a challenge and painful forH. My H has dealt with it similarly to Angies, although still at 6 months VERY EARLY days... best estinates i can find range healing and forgiveness only start to REALLY happen about 2 years on maybe longer in some cases
Most importants things?

1. DO NOT have ANY contact with xAP and if he contacts you tell H...but i definately agree if you have pangs of wanting to contact xAP dont go to H.
2. Answer all Q's honestly when H asks them BUT and this is hard... dont minimize, or lie BUT make him question whether the Qs he asks he REALLY wants to know the answer to. At first they want to know all the sordid details but later on, it hurts them more than helps cos they then 'know too much'
3. BE CONSTANT and COSISTANT both in actions and in support for /H, he will need contsant reassurance from you and he will ask the same stuff over and over.
4.Proven ACTIONs over time will speak louder than any words you can say
5.you may have a honeymoon period where H is happy you are still together then realisation sinks in about the enormity of you deception and lies..be ready..his moods could swing daily..i hope for your sake that they dont

H sounds positive and committed at this stage that is AWESO"ME, i hope for your sake he stays that way, cos if he looses confidence in his convictions it makes it harder....dont worry about IC probably helpful for him initially....
Good Luck NC x

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 10:06pm
Heartache and NCx.....thank you. I am surviving. And DH is home from T and seems much calmer. I think he has been talking to his counselor for many months about a dday and was a bit prepared for it. Not that the words that finally came out werent a bad blow, but he KNEW. He knew and chose to wait till he was ready mentally to confront me. Weird that 2 days before I had gone NC for the 3rd time. The shame is almost unbearable. And of course the NC creeps in my head. Which only makes me feel more guilty. (if that is possible). I am taking two sleeping pills and going to bed. Lol. Tomorrow we will deal with day 5.
Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 9:09am
Daisy,
I had my D-Day on Feb. 23rd. I had the rug pulled out from under me...I was a coward and could not bring myself to tell H. XAp wrote him a letter and sent it to church and to our house (H is a pastor). He told my H that his priest told him to write this letter and that he had an A with me and it was all about sex and I could fill in all the details. Yeah. Really really bad day. Since then, we have been slowly moving toward healing - H is not going to ask for a divorce and he is willing to work this out, no matter how much time and work it takes.
I don't have much time right now, but I plan to send you a message in your inbox on here, so that I can give you more encouragement. There is hope. And having no more secrets helps SO much.

Take care,
Heartsofsix <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 9:01pm
Thank you heart of 6. Some ugly days here. H is not sure about staying married now, and to be honest, neither am I. I am so emotionally drained in every way I can't seem to keep a thought in my head. I know that I need to get to a place of calmness and peace. Not sure that will be too soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sun, 04-17-2011 - 4:35pm

Daisy,

Remember not to make any major decisions re. your M when both of you are in so much pain. Neither one of you are thinking clearly right now.

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha

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