Learned something today that threw me for a loop...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Learned something today that threw me for a loop...
41
Thu, 12-30-2010 - 5:15pm

Saw my doctor today to go over my lab results, and for the

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Dear Iddy,

What a powerful post as it sends out a very important reminder/lesson on the impact of having & ending an affair on our emotional and physical health. It can been seen here ... the trauma that is created living within the affair, and the trauma that gets re-lived in the flashbacks, triggers & nightmares that are experienced after the affair ends.

Look at the signs of trauma:

Symptoms of emotional and psychological trauma

Following a traumatic event, most people experience a wide range of physical and emotional reactions. These are NORMAL reactions to ABNORMAL events. The symptoms may last for days, weeks, or even months after the trauma ended.
Emotional symptoms of trauma:

* Shock, denial, or disbelief
* Anger, irritability, mood swings
* Guilt, shame, self-blame
* Feeling sad or hopeless
* Confusion, difficulty concentrating
* Anxiety and fear
* Withdrawing from others
* Feeling disconnected or numb

Physical symptoms of trauma:

* Insomnia or nightmares
* Being startled easily
* Racing heartbeat
* Aches and pains
* Fatigue
* Difficulty concentrating
* Edginess and agitation
* Muscle tension

(http://helpguide.org/mental/emotional_psychological_trauma.htm)

I believe the impacts are magnified if you don't have a space to share your experiences - that's why EAS is literally a life-saver.

Having worked with trauma survivors for YEARS, I can tell you that many, if not all of us have lingering impacts from participating in an affair. This isn't to dismiss that we had choices all along the way, the shame is that part of the process once you get into the thick of the FOG, is not acting on the choices we have to STOP THE AFFAIR, and instead direct our focus on how TO SURVIVE WITHIN THE AFFAIR. I believe therein rests part of the trauma that gets created ... Trying to survive the unsurvivable by believing that they VERY THING YOU ARE TRYING TO MAINTAIN IS THEY VERY THING KILLING YOU.

It is as silly as someone saying "I GOTTA FIGURE OUT HOW I CAN KEEP SMOKING SO I CAN STAY HEALTHY".

I am so happy that you had the courage to open up to your physician. Unless the medical community starts to appreciate the connection between our emotions and our health, we'll continue to be treated only with anti-depressants, instead of with compassion and understanding.

I am REALLY happy to hear that you are getting such good care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
((TU))
Funny, but I spent the afternoon looking up stuff on trauma and read exactly what you posted. Although I never had nightmares or insomnia, I still experience the other physical symptoms listed. Under the emotional symptoms; withdrawal from others, feeling disconnected, anger, irritability and anxiety still persist, but I have been on anti-anxiety meds for two years now, which has helped tremendously.

I so appreciate you chiming in so prompty. I wasn't sure if anyone could relate and thought maybe I should have kept this to myself. Then I thought, maybe it could help someone else because I'll be dang if I wasn't in the dark on this one. I was so relieved after I talked to my doctor. I thought I was going crazy these last two years, just hiding it well. It was a relief to know that I'm not ready for the loony bin just yet. ;-)

I've always said that affairs destroy, but little did I know that the residual affects from having one can affect a person years down the road. You learn something every day, eh?

(((Hugs))

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009

I think it's very brave and very giving of you to share this with us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Thanks, Dee. Guess my exterior doesn't match my interior. Sort of like my house. ;-) But, as the song goes, "I will survive."

Enjoy your vaca. You are now armed with a mini library to take with you. Happy reading. Where are you going, or is that top secret?

Be safe, my friend.
(((Hugs))
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Dear Iddy,

You're welcome. I too commend your courage to share your story. I think it's important for all of us to hear of our fierce leader's struggles. Although you're not talking about the immediate ending phase, you are shedding light onto the long-term consequences of this type of self-harming behavior. The risks for trauma sky-rocket when the exposure to the "trauma" aren't immediately removed, for instance, you had/have to continue to be exposed to the reminder of the hurt & pain you had suffered. You had to arm yourself emotionally & mentally to survive in that environment. Over time though, the body can't cope with the high levels of stress hormones being dumped into your system on a daily basis. In fact, there are many measurable outcomes on the body of pro-longed levels of stress, both directly (High BP), but also from those impacts of the coping mechanisms we might be using - replacement drugs (alcohol, etc ...). I am STILL struggling with not masking the pain with food and/or medication. Now that the hurts of ending are long gone, there are new and more profound losses which have impacts on my emotional and physical health. We all must remember that ending is JUST THE BEGINNING. Your post reminded me of that.

We can only manage for so long with the hard feelings associated with having an affair - eventually they will catch-up with us. That's why everyone needs to listen when you tell them Iddy to get their butts into therapy. Confronting the emotions is much better than simply trying to avoid them. They WILL come a knocking!

To the lurkers, think how it FEELS to be in your body: stressed, anxious, stomach aches, headaches, digestive trouble, poor sleep, disrupted eating, racing heart, aches & pains of unknown origins ... the body tries to speak it's truth in the affair.
The impacts on the body are cumulative ... worsen & deepen with time - just like exposure to EVERY OTHER TOXIC SUBSTANCE. Lead exposure never returned anyone to health, kwim?
And just like Dee, I NEED YOU TO BE HERE! so darn it woman, take care of yourself!

Huge hugs & love,

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006

Iddy,

Just want to let you know that there may be an alternative to the antidepressants that too many doctors push.

Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Energy,

That's what my doctor told me too. My vitamin D levels are way down. He said to first increase my D-3 to 5,000 units a day. (Not the D-2, as they can be toxic). and see if that helps with my depression. So I am going to do that before I even think about filling my Lexapro prescription. Thanks for reinforcing that.

I was always into alternative medicine but unfortunately my high cholesterol is hereditary, so I had to get a script for that. I also SWEAR by Oil of Primrose for peri-menopause. It took away all of my symptoms in 6 months, shrunk my fibroid tumors, and I sailed through menopause when it hit me at 51.

On a side note, for a medical doctor, my physician is into alternative medicine big time. This is why we clicked from the very first visit. I just wish I been more honest with him from the beginning....but hey, he's JAM...and I was avoiding all of them like the plague when my A ended. lol.

((Hugs))
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009

First of all, Iddy, thanks for sharing this story with us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Thanks, CSN. Your words mean a lot to me. Congratulations on graduating. This is HUGE. I am so proud of you, and yep, get the hell out of Dodge if at all possible. True healing cannot begin until they are out of sight...permanently. I can't afford to retire, but there's a possibility that we may go under next year...and you know what? That would be okay. I have enough skills where I could start something from out of the house if need be. I raised 3 children alone...I think I can finish raising myself too. lol.

I always advise newbies who work with their Xap's to find new employment. Now I am going to be more adamant about it. I really had no idea how serious it had become because I was functioning at least at 75%, although I would have to drag myself into work most of the time. I just thought it was old age hitting me, but now I have some answers that it wasn't all in my head. For some reason I feel lighter today.

Take care of yourself, honey.
(((Hugs)))
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

I hardly ever scroll down the page anymore since the redesign - and something told me to tonight - and now I know why :) For the love of God woman, if you ever go through this again, post it at the top!! JK :)

I'm so glad you came clean with your doctor. As everyone has said, we underestimate the toll our lifestyle has taken on our bodies. All the more reason to make 2011 Iddy's Year :)

Love you-

Bodhi

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