MM told wife last night about me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2009
MM told wife last night about me...
Sun, 05-23-2010 - 9:24pm

I met a man through work in February, we hit it off immediately and quickly became very close despite living 16 hrs apart. However, I found out he's married when I asked him a direct question about his last relationship. He was up front when I asked but never disclosed the info prior. I made it clear I was no way interested and we would 'just be friends'. My naivety lead from one thing to another and we ended up professing our love. and spending a weekend together just a few weeks ago. It was great - we didn't have sexual relations but the time we spent together was incredible, then just last weekend we had sex and it changed everything for me.

Two days ago when I went to break it off because of the affair, I told him that I realized the complexities of him leaving his wife, I wouldn't wait (become a statistic) and would never take 2nd place but that I didn't want him to make a mistake and I applied no pressure. He told me told me he loved me and knew how I felt and really need to think about what he wanted. I agreed and set fair boundaries.

Yesterday he called me around 10:30 and we chatted for an hr or so. Then at 12:30 he called, waking me. Telling me he told his wife about me and that he loved me. Then at 5:30 I get three e-mails - one saying a email from his wife would be coming and it was because she gave him an ultimatum and they needed to rest. The second email was the 'good-bye' email approved by wife then the third was that he needed to figure out this painful nightmare and he'd call.

So needless to say - I'm really confused - my practical mind says he'll work things out with his wife but I guess I'm just confused if he didn't feel strongly why would he tell his wife (without me knowing and without me asking or saying anything).
I do love love him but now with NC today - I have no idea what is going on in his mind and am just so confused... why did he do it ? What happens now ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 05-23-2010 - 10:25pm


thx for sharing, I want to welcome you but I am unclear about some things about your post. This board is for enders. So are you in NC because he has not contacted you today? Or are you in NC because you have decided to end things.

Ok, what will likely happen now is that you may not hear from him now. The heat is on. N if you do hear from him it will be limited. I am sorry. I know you are hurting. W will not likely leave him. He will not likely leave her. That rarely happens. Harsh. I know, but if anything, this may bring them closer. Ddays usually do that. N he will stay because he wants to.

If you are here because you have ended your A and want support, we are here.

Oh and I do not know what you mean when you said you sent boundaries, but we can not be friend with exAp's. All boundaries went to hell when you started this A, physical or not. There is no trust. There is no real love, all fantasy. Please think about all that happened and how hurt she is right now.

Please stay and post and let us know. I hope you have end this A, and let them heal and move on.
You may want to post in the general discussion area. You will get more responses there. If you are an ender, you will find the best group of women here, despite our mistakes, I am proud to be amongst them. I hope you stick around.

Good if you get out now...some women spend years being second best and they spent years waiting and waiting for something that never came.


Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 05-24-2010 - 6:11am


He probably told his W in hopes that she would have kicked him to the curb, but she was able to snap him out of the fog he's been in. Who knows. She may have been through this before with him too. Some men have one A after another and the fact that he wasn't upfront about his marital status tells me he's done this before.

I'm sorry you allowed yourself to get caught up in this mess, and the best advice I can give you is to


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Mon, 05-24-2010 - 12:02pm

the posters are correct.. if you are asking about how to "survive" your situation and continue your A, you need to be in MAS.

however, they are also correct that, where you are now, nothing good will come out for anyone unless you pull yourself out of the situation and stay completely, and i mean completely, NC.

to me, it seems like you both were in an A fog, completely natural, and he somehow realized something wasn't right and instead of ending things on his own strength, decided to get his W involved to help him push.. in situations like this, people never act the way you expect them to, since there are no norms and everything is skewed.. you are in a room with everything moving around, spinning with no rhyme or reason and no stopping.. you need not be in this place..

focus on yourself.. focus on your own life.. family.. and take everything related to him out of your life.. mementos, pictures, emails, contact info.. everything! this you would be doing to help yourself.. unless you want to stay stuck in limbo for months on end.. read some of the posts and you will know that's exactly what happens..

do not accept calls from him.. do not answer them.. do not write or read what he writes.. he is out of your life now..

all these are near to impossible to do.. yet, if you don't, you will continue suffering and hurting his wife as well.. this time on purpose..

good luck.. and there is hope.. but it all depends on your inner strength..


btw i love banff and the environment and the festivals there.. you are lucky to have a town like that to keep you busy if you choose so.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 9:03pm
Don't wait around for him because he's probably not going to leave his wife. He might walk out and pretend that he's leaving to test the waters but he'll go back. Don't donate another moment of your life to him. Keep reading the boards and you'll see that a lot of people here have similar stories that end the same.