My story

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2011
My story
Thu, 05-05-2011 - 7:23pm
I don't understand what just happened in my life. It makes no sense.
Please don't judge me, I'm being honest and I really am a good, nice person I just got myself tangled.
This guy pursued me so strong. I was working at a massage parlor, ok that sucks I know but I got left with so much debt from my previous relationship plus I had to support my mom and there was no other way for me to make ends meet. My ex boyfriend ran up my credit cards, all of them, gambling online, to the tune of 12,000, I spent a year trying to pay it off but the interest alone was about 200 a month! I could have declared bankruptcy but then I wouldn't have been able to keep my business and I was damned if I was going to lose that because of some abusive jerk. Note - credit card companies do not reimburse credit card fraud on gambling sites.
Anyway, this guy came out of no where showering me with flowers, jewelry, he brought me lunch everyday, he would stay with me for hours just so no one else could have me. So I started seeing him outside of work. He took me to spas, to dinners, on romantic getaways to 5 star hotels. He was so gorgeous, and sweet, and loving. He would hold me in his arms and I felt so safe. He took me shopping - I had no clothes from paying off my debts and before that I was a student - so it was great to have proper boots for winter and a coat and even just new socks. He bought me everything I needed and more. He got me a bracelet from Pandora with our initials and a heart in between them and some other beads. It was so cute. Anyway, then it turned out that of course he was married with 2 kids...
At this point he had me basically living with him at his parents' house while they were spending the winter in Florida. He was with me every night, he told his wife that the dust in their house bothered his asthma. He would come home to me by 6pm and we would have dinner watch tv, all that normal stuff. It was great. I didn't really think of his wife because I loved him so much. We just got along so well. And his wife never once called or came over to check on him. Honestly I don't see how she can possibly have cared about him. She just liked her lifestyle (mansion, kids at private school, didn't have to work, did whatever she wanted all day). She would go away for the weekend about once a month to shop in the states with her friends, and I'd spend those nights at his real house.
He would take me away for 3 or 4 days twice a month to resorts. But it was always tough because of course he had to check in with her and he was worried about getting caught. He didn't want to lose everything he had worked so hard for. I understand that, but at the same time he was miserable in his marriage and had basically left, as had his wife. I felt he should cut his losses and take back his life.
We always had fights over my "job", nothing else. I told him I was only doing it while I paid off my debts and got my life in order. It's not like I lived lavishly, I had a mattress on the floor in a room above a shop. Everything I earned went towards my debts or my mom and sister. I had a plan of when I was going to leave the massage parlor, just a couple of months, I hated working there but at the same time I was independent and getting my life back.
He started to put pressure on me to quit, said it disgusted him that other men had touched me, that I was a whore. I broke down and had to quit, it's hard enough to do that job without someone you care about telling you they think so low of you. Even if that is where you met... So I quit. He had taken a 5 star hotel right by my work and basically sat there all day sending me messages saying if I didn't quit and join him he would never see me again.

Its a complicated situation, but I had started a small business and it needed some funding to fulfill an order. He got me the loan for that by writing me a false employment letter from his company. But obviously that didn't pay my rent, my bills, my credit cards, everything. I had kinda assumed when he made me quit my job he would help me out, he knew I wouldn't get paid from my business for 45 days... And he used to spend at least 4000 coming to see me at the massage parlor every month before I saw him outside, and he took me on all those trips and each one cost at least 8-10k, I'm not kidding. They were great and everything, but going back to a mattress on the floor sucked. And he knew that.
I asked him if instead of a trip he could help me out, since I was now exclusively his at his request and always made myself available to him. I think he took offense because he felt he loved me and to give me money would be demeaning, but it's not really about money I just needed to survive for the next couple of months and I was working really hard on my business.
And I just felt it was unfair that he treated me like a wife but his real wife was taken care of while I wasn't allowed to do the job that allowed me to take care of myself.
Anyway, it all came to a head. I felt he didn't care about me, I mean we eat in gourmet restaurants when we're together but I eat soup when we're apart while his wife orders take away every night because she's too lazy to cook. I sleep in luxury when we're together but a mattress on the floor is ok when we're apart. It just started to get to me, my credit cards were climbing again, it was stressful and it didn't seem fair. I should also mention that he always made suggestions about helping me but they would never materialize and I'm not one to ask for anything. I really don't like to ask, I just thought it would be obvious that if I quit my job early I would need a little help. And that weekend I'd watched him lose 3000 at the casino! I won 750 and he took my winnings!
I don't know if I was wrong to break up with him over this. I didn't exactly break up with him I just told him I was going back to work because I didn't have a choice if he wasnt going to help me out. I won't really go back because I couldn't bear it now that I've been out of it, I can't force myself to go back. He didn't reply. I just wanted to see if he really loved me, if he would step in and say no, here's a little money to tide you over and it seems not. I don't understand, or I understand too well. But he was so perfect, he'd hold my hand, whisper in my ear that he loved me at the cinema, just be so great. I guess it just hurt that he would spend such stupid amounts of money when we were together but not make sure I was ok when we were apart.
Writing this has helped me see things clearly. I guess it was all ego for him, and out of sight was out of mind. I was a fun playmate, and he may have loved me when he was in my compartment, but at the end of the day he knew what he was doing. I just think he should have left me alone. I was fine without him, I would have paid off all my debts, not had that stupid loan he got me and be out of the massage thing with my life in order. As it is, I have a broken heart and I'll have to scrape by for the next few months. Makes me angry.
I'd like to just qualify that I have 2 degrees and I am not lazy to work, I just couldn't find a job that would pay off that 12000 my ex-boyfriend left me owing and I was sick of scraping by. He was basically my pimp for 6 months, but I'd prefer that than the 3 years of scraping by it would have taken me to pay it off at a real job. So judge me all you want for that bit, it was a personal choice and I hurt no one but myself.
Thanks for listening...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
In reply to: _justme_
Fri, 05-06-2011 - 1:36am
Wow, I don't know what else to say but wow! Thank you for sharing! You are in the right place to heal :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
In reply to: _justme_
Fri, 05-06-2011 - 6:51am


We all understand wanting to be swept away by the charming prince on a white horse when we are under extreme emotional and financial duress. This guy came into your life when you were at your lowest, dangling that golden carrot

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
In reply to: _justme_
Fri, 05-06-2011 - 5:46pm
Dear JustMe, welcome to EAS honey. ((hugs)) My name's Kat. I was in an A with a "rich" guy too, and eventually realised that the big spending and glamour of his lifestyle just hid a very cheap and impoverished soul. Since ending my A 3 months ago I have learnt so much about the true "richness" that comes from authenticity and real friendship and generosity of spirit. All the money in the world wouldn't be enough for me to trade places with his W. She may have the luxury house and gourmet restaurants, but I have my dignity back and that counts for far more.

I'm so sorry for all the hurt and pain you've experienced. You sound like a bright, beautiful young woman who had made some bad choices and is ready to get her life back on track.

EAS is an amazing place full of wisdom and compassionate support. I hope you'll stick around and post often. The SW board is often quiet, so you should feel free to post any questions you may have up in the general section.

Sunshine and smiles from Australia

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2011
In reply to: _justme_
Tue, 05-10-2011 - 8:47am

I'm really sorry you got yourself so entangled.

You did the right thing to break it

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2011
In reply to: _justme_
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 3:51pm
Thanks everyone for your support.
I went back one last time. He took me to a fancy restaurant fior unch, promised to help me with a lawyer I need, bought me a dress, a bikini, a massage, a mani ped, and then I thought he was driving me home but he took me to another 5 star hotel...
I should have left or asked him to take me home instead, but he just has this sexy way of getting me to love him.
After he left though, all smiles and saying we'd go away again at the end of the week, he took me off blackberry messenger and I didn't hear from him. Then I emailed him like he told me to on Monday to discuss the lawyer thing - no answer. Then my phone got cut off - mostly because he was talking to me for like 2 hours convincing me to meet up with him "for lunch". So I called him and said I don't know what I'm going to do, I can't pay this bill, it's $300! Now bear in mind the hotel for one night was $500, plus the stupid dress and bikini I didn't need or want, plus the spa stuff was like $400... But he told me to screw the contract, take the hit on my credit and get a pay as you go phone!!!!
That was the final straw for me. He made me quit my job, ran up my phone, spend on nonsense but won't help me reconnect my phone?! What an ass. I'm so hurt and angry right now, but it's good. I told him to contact me when he's ready to treat me with respect and care and if that happens to be never, so be it. I don't need that kind of treatment.
Thanks for listening.