My Story as the other man (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2010
My Story as the other man (long)
11
Sun, 05-02-2010 - 8:26pm
Ok I don't really know where to begin. I had an affair with the wife of someone I used to be best friends with. It's a very long story but I'll start from the beginning when I first met these people. I got a job at a certain retail store and almost every member of this family worked there. They were a big family of 6 kids just like my family and so we all quickly became good friends as we have so much in common. About a year after I started work there, a guy named ian

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Mon, 05-03-2010 - 8:04am
I read your entire post and my heart goes out to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 05-03-2010 - 9:35am

Welcome, nscoope. All I can say is this. Until your AP files for D, you need to back off completely from her, her family, and if you are still working for them, it's time to find a new job. You've gotten yourself into a terrible mess and your only recourse is to start over again somewhere else. Sadly, this is the price many of us pay for falling in love with an unavailable person. I know you fought hard against this ever getting so serious, but the heart doesn't always listen to our minds. IMO, subconsciously you wanted this family to be your family, and your pal's W to be your W. IOW, you wanted what he had. This may sound crazy to you, but if you get some counseling this may all come out and offer you a better understanding as to why you haven't been able to walk away sooner.


Let her figure out what she needs to do which means you have to respect her NC. Even if she does contact you, you need to ignore any phone calls, txt messages, and emails. Someone has to be stronger here and although it's very difficult, you would be doing her a favor by removing yourself from her life. You are also doing yourself a favor if you could find the fortitude to move on with your own life, but first you'll need to grieve the losses this unfortunate mess has caused you. All of us have taken the wrong path, thinking this person was our destiny, or whatever delusional mind set we were in at the time. The truth is, we overstepped personal boundaries and made a big error in judgement.


I hope you will read the Healing Library and garner strength from the wisdom and insights offered there.


Wishing you strength and peace,

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
Mon, 05-03-2010 - 6:55pm

Sorry for the tough love here. I'm speaking from MW POV. I may be able to love another man or woman, but that would never change a thing. I will always put my H and family first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2010
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 2:26am
Thank you all so much for your responses. It is very very helpful. And to answer the question from "heartacheafter7years", yes I was interested in ending the affair. On the flip side, though, I wanted it to end in a different way. I didn't want to lose her in the process but it didn't work out the way I wanted it to and so now I'm just trying to move on and accept what happened. I understand that she has a family to worry about which has to be more important than her relationship with me. I have some bad news though because she kind of broke NC today. I went to the store to get some groceries and when I came back out to my car she was parked right next to me waiting for me. I put my stuff in my car and tried to pretend that I didn't see her but she honked the horn and waved to me so I walked over to her and she said she just wanted to say hi. I said hi and then started to leave and she told me to wait because she needed to hug me and so I let her and she started crying and wouldn't let go. I told her that her husband was off work and could drive by at any time and catch us but she just started kissing me and telling me she misses me and I told her I can't get into this again and that if she ever decides to file for D then she can come talk to me again. I don't know if I handled the situation the right way but I have made it clear to her that I won't be talking to her unless she does decide that her marriage isn't going to work out. I've been very good about not trying to contact her in any way. Anyway, I just want to thank everyone again for responding to me and giving advice. No one that I have around me fully understands the situation I'm in but you all understand very well and it helps so much to have people to talk to. Thank you so much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 7:52am

Wow, Nscoope, you did really well laying down the law like that! Good for you. It must have been really difficult, especially since you're so new and raw. You did the right thing, imo, and you should feel very good about yourself. Stay strong!

Best,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 4:08pm

Nscoope,


Welcome to EAS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2010
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 10:39pm
Thanks. I'm doing really well with the whole NC thing. No matter how bad I want to just pick up my phone and text her I just don't let myself do it. I really do care about her more than I can even explain and so I'm respecting her decision and staying completely out of the picture while she tries to figure out if her marriage can be saved or not. For some reason, though, I can't help but sit here and wait around to see if it does work out with them. I know I need to just move on but it's so hard. The last couple days have seemed a little better but then today was harder for some reason. I guess there's going to be hard days along the way, right? Thank you everyone for your advice :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 10:41am

I am so glad you have stuck around... we need more men here :) It's nice to get a different perspective.


Yes, there will be good days and bad days, but the more space you put between yourself and the A, the better you will start to feel. And one day, you will realize that you are no longer holding out hope for you and that you have moved on. No one can predict when that day will come, as it is different for everyone, but we can predict that it will in fact come if you stick to NC.


Hugs,


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 3:33pm
It's really nice having all these women to talk to! I admire all of you that have already gone for months with NC. It's only been 8 days for me (other than our little encounter in the parking lot). I think the hardest thing is letting go of someone I've been best friends with for years. Anyway, I plan on sticking around here for a long time. This site has helped so much and once I get to where I want to be I plan on staying around to help other people :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Sat, 06-26-2010 - 2:49am

It looks like it's been awhile since you've posted. Hope you're still staying strong.

I understand how hard all of this must be for you. One thing I did wonder as I read this is if you've also taken a look at your own behavior. What I mean by this is you have to know that it's pretty bad to have an affair with your best friend's wife. Don't get me wrong, I understand completely how it happens. However, that still doesn't make it ok, and I think if you haven't taken your own inventory in all of this, you're missing out on an opportunity for growth and change. Despite the quality of her relationship with him, he was your best friend. So you have to understand things from his point of view. Not only was he betrayed by her, he was also betrayed by you. That just has to suck. Regardless of his own past indiscretions. I just hope you recognize this, because it might help you. Not just to stay strong in this, but to never do it again.

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