New here... Just ended yesterday

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2005
New here... Just ended yesterday
9
Thu, 11-11-2010 - 4:43pm

This will be the very condensed version of all this, it's so much to type out, I'm happy to answer any questions though! I'm in a lot of pain, he always called me his gf, and I always argued that I wasn't, so why does this feel like a break up ? MM and I work together, and started this in Feb this year, it's been a roller coaster. He goes thru the cycle, loving me, texting, wanting to be together, ect, then drops off the face of the earth. (Except, that I see him at work everyday, he just ignores me) He always claims it was because he was busy, ect, and he wasn't doing anything different. Every few weeks or months we would go thru the same cycle over and over. Well we were in the down time again, and I ended it. He didn't even have the guts to respond to me, so I asked him to say something. He said he understood, he was sorry, and I will make someone very happy one day. I got all my anger out, told him everything I ever wanted to say (he was a liar, a fake, ect ect.) I asked him to please not come to work today or tomorrow (he CAN work from home if needed), and shockingly he didn't, it is the ONE time he has ever done anything for me. I needed the break, and the space. The biggest problem is I work with him, and I handle all his stuff here, I HAVE to talk to him every day, email him, call him, ect. I don't get the option of no contact, of course I will keep it professional, but the first time he adds a smiley face, or asks me how I am in a reply, I will be back at square one. How do I do this? He will possibly be back tomorrow, for sure on Monday, and while I may be able to handle myself on the outside, I'm a mess on the inside. Before this started he WAS my best friend, and I miss that, I know that's been gone for awhile now :( MM is 46 w/ 4 kids 20,18,11 & 10 (all from his wife) , I am single w/ 2 kids who are 4, just for the stats on us. Any advice/support is very appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Thu, 11-11-2010 - 5:19pm

Dear MO,

((hugs)) and welcome to EAS.

* please cut and paste your post into the General Discussion Section so that you'll get as many responses as possible. Sometimes we miss newbies who post in the other sections.

Okay ... first off, I am sorry that you're hurting, but I am so grateful that you have found our community.

We have ALL BEEN WHERE YOU HAVE ... WE HAVE ALL FELT THE PAIN, CONFUSION, HURT and FEAR that you are now facing.

Some of us have had to continue working with our xAPs after our affairs ended.Our amazing CL Iddy still works with her xAP and is a wealth of information and a true inspiration when it comes to washing our hands of these messy affairs.

There are a few on this board, so I hope they'll have a chance to respond to you asap.

No matter how hard it seems, you need to believe us when we say IT IS POSSIBLE to get over an affair while still working with the xAP. It has many unique challenges, and you'll need to fight extra hard to resist his stupid, selfish attempts to re-engage you into the affair ... YOU have got to find strength to resist a smiley face. There is nothing about that silliness that is loving or kind. He doesn't want to be with you, he wants to keep you as some nice side dish where he can dump his problems, get his ego stroked and then go home to his real life. You've got little ones who are way more important than this jack - hole, don't you feel like you're missing them? That he's getting the best parts of you, while they are getting scraps? I missed too many moments with my kids to count ... I lost so so so many moments because I literally wasn't there, or my mind was elsewhere. That is time I will never ever get back with them.

I've been that side-dish too. I have been alone with my kids (my H has moved out) and had to work with him afterward. I learned REALLY quickly the difference between professional conduct ,and conduct that was meant to lure me back into the affair.I learned what I was doing to encourage him to do this ... and soon realized there was a BIG difference between the emails/phone calls & events I HAD to attend to, and the ones that were just excuses to be in contact with him. After I ended the affair, I would assume that each email/phone call included my H and his W as the audience of those contacts. That helped me to keep it real.

It took some practice, but I eventually got REALLY GOOD and framing his behavior as repulsive. I thought about his poor wife at home, whose heart was breaking, and here he was still trying to get back with me. He sickened me. As it continued, I eventually made the very very tough decision to leave that contract. It was a huge blow financially, but he wasn't giving me any respect. He just wanted his FIX.

Anyway, that's enough for now. For now, I simply wish for you to read read read everything you can here. You'll see your story here in the posts of others.

Much love & strength,

TU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Thu, 11-11-2010 - 9:26pm

I just wish I could give you a big hug and Welcome you to our board.

I am SO sorry for your pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Thu, 11-11-2010 - 10:28pm

Hi movingon,

I am sorry for the hurt you are in, coming here and posting was a great step.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Fri, 11-12-2010 - 12:51am

WELCOME ((((MOVING ON)))))

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Fri, 11-12-2010 - 10:33am

Hey MO, welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2005
Fri, 11-12-2010 - 12:01pm

Thank you for all your words so far, they help SO much. I am ready to move on, I realize this A will never lead to anything real, and by staying around I am just prolonging the inevitable. The last few days have been hard, and I NEVER want to live thru them again, I will just remember that if he tries to talk to me again. Last night I was doing so well, made dinner, put my girls to bed, and then I went to grab something out of a drawer, and I saw it. So stupid, just a rope he gave me when I moved, and I lost it. I took a bath and just cried, and then I took the rope, and every other reminder of him and threw it away. Like the ball marker I used when he took me golfing, or the golf ball from our company tournament when he put me on his team, just stuff like that. Then I went thru my phone and deleted every message, his #, and picture I had in there, then cried for an hour. This morning he is back at work, I was so happy when I got to my desk and realized I had nothing of his to work on, then some papers for his orders came in...... I HAD to ask him about something on them he had wrong, ugghhh. So I made it professional, put my whole question in the heading, and when he wrote back all nice, and put his big smiley face at the end. I didn't respond, and honestly it DID repulse me. Did he not HEAR all the things I said the other night? I was brutal, did he even read the messages? I mean I expected this (it's his way of feeling me out, he does it everytime we have issues) I just didn't expect it for a week or 2. It did disgust me though, I mean after I cried last night, to the point of almost throwing up, he has the balls to

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 11-12-2010 - 1:04pm

Movingon,

Welcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Fri, 11-12-2010 - 4:37pm

MO,

Welcome to Endings, and sorry I took so long to greet you. It's just been one of those days.

I see you have already met some of Endings Finest. :smileywink: There is a lot of support here, and we will help you every step of the way. You have done the right thing by ending this...Affairs are a dead end street and we all have had to turn around and find our way back to that fork in the road. Once you get there, you will most definitely never want to go down the wrong path again.

Your Xmm sounds like your typical cake-eater who has a W, kids, and the white picket fence, but got a little greedy and wanted a little something, something on the side. BTDT and have the T-shirt to prove it. I know that you are hurting right now but it's not going to feel like this forever. You will grieve the death of this pseudo relationship and go through many emotional changes, but in the end you will be stronger and wiser.

I hope you have taken a look around, familiarized yourself with the abbreviations (In the Healing Library), and when you are feeling a little stronger, try to get to know some of the gals on the board. Just by reading their posts you will get an understanding as to who's been here a while, and who is still a newbie. After 3 months of NC (In your case LC because you work with him), you will get your Tweener Wings. It's just a nice recognition that you have stayed the course for a solid 90 days.

I work with my Xmm too, so I know what you will be going through. Be sure to read the thread in the Healing Library called "Rules for maintaining LC at work." Trust me, these tips work and helped me to stay out of a 4.5 year A. I have been A sober now for a little over 6 years and still work side by side with Xmm, so I know it can be done.:smileyhappy:

Hang in there honey. You can do this.

((Hugs)))

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2011
Tue, 01-11-2011 - 7:21pm

Hi MO,

I am really late chiming in for you, but I have not been on the Board for a while.