Promises and other Empty Lies

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Promises and other Empty Lies
10
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 11:32am
Just wondering about something, single folk: did your married person promise they would leave their spouse and divorce him/her and marry you? Or were they upfront about wanting to stay with their spouse and/or about being confused?

And if they did promise to leave their spouse was this a big motivation for you to stay in the affair?

The only reason I got involved with my MM is because he told me, from the beginning that he was going to leave his wife and divorce her and marry me. It's true he didn't talk about a time frame, he didn't say it would take FIVE YEARS!, so I just assumed he would follow through on his words within a few months. When he did not I was devastated and felt betrayed.

He did leave his wife but didn't have the guts or the inclination to follow through on the divorce part and ultimately went back to her. He just couldn't deal with the guilt that her pain caused him. I can understand that. That makes perfect sense to me. What I can't understand is his trying to hold on to both of us for as long as possible. To me that's just plain cruel. I'm wondering how many of you experienced that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 12:23pm
My XMM promised the same to me. He said 'it may take me a little longer than you', but he had every intention to divorce. My H and I separated (at my request) for 6 months. The EMA continued for another 2 years, with empty promises and backpeddling. At some point, I wasn't sure I wanted him, even if he left his M.

It has been 5 1/2 weeks of NC and 20 weeks since our last physical contact. Thank goodness I came to realize the positives of my M before we divorced! This would have been one major mistake.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Sat, 09-20-2003 - 5:29pm
I know I've told you my story a few times.

year 1 - he would leave W after we were sure we were solid -- a year or so.

at end of year 1 -- he "realized" he couldn't leave his kids until they were grown.

At that point, his youngest was 3 -- so it became the "15 year plan" FIFTEEN YEARS?? Was I insane or what?

by the end of the 3rd year, I didn't want him to leave her anymore. I decided I would just "enjoy" the A as long as I wanted it and then move on. I started trying to "move on" about 3 mos. later & found it VERY VERY difficult. It took me another 6 mos. to end it.

After I really ended it & he believed I was really moving on (started seeing someone else), he made some desperate phone calls (including one at about 6 a.m.) in which he told me he'd leave W that DAY if I would come back to him. I refused and said, I'm not here anymore. He said, he'd end his marriage & call me after it was all done & see if we could work things out.

He did contact me one more time a few months later to claim they were sleeping in separate bedrooms (YEAH, right), that he was staying until kids were older but that "he'd be back" and we WOULD be together someday. By that time, it was just sad and creepy. I told him to leave me alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 4:13pm
Oh yeah that's my situation right now. It's been two years. Now his house/property is on the market with a current offer on it that will be up as of 9/23/03. The reason for that is because I broke up with him after having enough of the "marriage" bs. He promised he would leave and I promised myself that if he didn't I would. So I did. He claims that if he can try to sell his house, it will get us off to a good start financially. BUT if the guy (that's trying to buy the house) doesn't go through with it, then my MM says he'll leave anyway because that is all he is waiting for now. He says he doesn't want to put us through this anymore and he wants to be with me so he doesn't have any other choice than to get a divorce. He and his wife have been split up before so I don't fear him going back after he is gone. He does his best to reassure me that he is totally prepared for what kind of situation we'll be in as far as his kids go, i.e, weekends shorter visits. etc. I looked his house up on MLS and it is indeed for sale actually, it is pending. He said the man trying to buy it is finding financing.


There's much more to my situation also. Like he adopted my daughter (two yrs. old) he legally signed her Birth Certificate as her legal father. I could go on and on but the bottom line is just that now I have to wait and see. And I hate this feeling. Because these things are just unpredictible for us women. We don't really know what goes on at the other side. Why do we put ourselves in this???? I guess we can't help who we fall in love with.

Avatar for iamdelightful
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 11:51pm
Sounds like a really really tough situation. I hope it works out for you. There is one thing I have to add to your post though. Although it's true that we can't help who we fall in love with, we can control our behavior. We have choices. Getting involved with a married man is usually a bad choice. I know because I've done it. Twice. And it's one of the most painful things I've ever gone through. I sincerely hope your situation works out. For some reason I think it might, but if I were you I would definitely put a limit on it, or maybe even consider not seeing him anymore until he has filed for divorce ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 10:37pm
I am a SOW with the MM. He never promised me anything...and I never asked for anything.

He's a co-worker and we usually have lunch together. I never wanted him to leave his wife and still don't. I liked the idea of no LTR, but I could tell he started falling for me. I adore him, but could NEVER be married to him!!! I'm living 2 completely different lives....and that can't last forever. I guess it comes down to self respect/integrity and for me to stop being selfish. What keeps me interested???...is his interest in me. I want my cake and eat it to. He really is a GREAT lover....a GREAT BOYTOY....but I guess I need to get a life at some point. Before we end up ruining his.

I know he'll be back for more....but I also know that he is happy with the life he leads.

He can do about whatever, whenever, with whoever he wants and W doesn't nag. He's a playboy and I think she turns her head the other way. I'd NEVER put up with him!!!! So, why do I now??? Cus, he's like a drug!!!!

I was so hungry for attention, I still can't believe I let the A go this long. Now what's hard is that I don't want anybody else...nor do I want him to leave his wife. He wouldn't get away with stuff with me)! I just want him to love me and her.....is that weird???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 11:11pm
EXCEPT Lost -- you're postponing your real life to play with this boy-toy. He's meeting your emotional, sexual and attention needs -- you don't need to notice anyone else -- someone who might actually fit into your life and be someone signficant and real.

I used to scoff at this, however-- my girlfriend would say "but it isn't real -- you don't have to deal with mortgages and worries and sick kids" and I'd say "great -- I've got enough real stuff to deal with" Now I look back at myself and I think, who was that woman? I'm in a relationship with a divorced dad now -- it is REAL and part of my whole life and I watch this thing unfold and grow and develop and see EVERY day that this is at least 1000 times better than anything I ever had with MM.

It's a miracle that I got free from the addiction of the affair and a bigger miracle that this wonderful man appeared in my life when I had completely given up hope for anything beyond the crumbs I got from MM (and MM adored me -- was attentive, called me 3 times a day, would make the effort to see me everyday and weekends, would do almost anything I asked. I was AWFUL! so demanding and bitchy and manipulative because "he's married -- I'm always right") I am SO not proud of my behavior with MM. AND the fact that I "got over it" in about 3 mos. after 3 years tells me, much to my shame, that I was using him.

I was NEVER a user before. The A is so uncharacteristic of my life and my values. I'm not wallowing in guilt (though it's definitely there) but I am SO happy to be free of that prison.

I can now enjoy an open relationship with a wonderful guy. It grows and changes and I'm learning from it. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life right now. I could never say that when I was with the MM because of the shame and secrecy and limitations.

Anyway, you aren't me but consider the fact that you're here posting & sharing and reading on this message board that tells me loud & clear you want more from your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 11:39pm
I love reading your posts....sounds like I'm like your shadow or something. Right behind you in your footsteps. So, I will continue to seek your wisdom:)

Yes, I do want more, but don't have a lot of faith in relationships. I struggle with being a good christain mommy and being a really good BAD girl! Iknow God has a plan for me and I'm messin it up.....but part of me doesn't believe it'll really happen. I have always made poor choices...great learning experiences but then new poor choices. I just don't think I'll ever get it right. So of course I feel like this is the best I can get. I know I deserve better....and truly long for more......but.....:/

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 10:55pm
to answer the original post--i never knew he was married. when i finally figured it out, he started to tell me he was going to leave her, but i did the math and told him even if he left TOMORROW, he was still looking at least 6 months of legal separation before most judges would even consider granting a divorce during which he would be expected to attend marital counseling and by the time he and his W hashed out property issues, maintainence, and child custody, it would at least 1-3 years before his divorce was final. i started doing alot of reading, and learned most MMs don't leave their wives and those that do often dump the OW!! As much as I'd like to believe I'm the exception to that rule, I decided to put my faith in the statistics and ended things. But it hasn't been easy. lostinpace, i can relate--i pretty much felt the same as you. foolnomore, you give me hope!!!

One of the most helpful books I read was "How to Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce" by Robyn Todd. Keep in mind, this book is geared toward women dating men who are legally separated and upfront about it. It was the passage on page 71 that clued me in I was dating a married man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 12:37am
I was reading your message and the part where you said:

What I can't understand is his trying to hold on to both of us for as long as possible.

Unfortunately, that's the HARDEST part to understand...and they ALL DO IT....because they want EVERYTHING....they want IT ALL!!! It's a SELFISH behavior, but as I'm discovering the commonalities among the woman who have been involved with a MM....this is the biggie!!! These men...they are all LIARS.........and what is wrong with US????? For so desperately LOVING AND WANTING these LIARS AND CHEATERS IN OUR LIVES???

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 2:54pm
I'm not sure there's anything wrong with us, blue. I think it's normal to want to be with someone you're in love with. I have learned to go easy on myself. But then again, my relationship wasn't as bad as others I've heard about. He did leave his wife and we did get to live together.

It's weakness, they're just weak. I think that's usually what is at the bottom of men wanting to be with two women. I know that my MM didn't want to hurt either me or his wife. But who knows. Humans are hard to understand sometimes. We can go on and on and on for days, months and years trying to figure out the heart and mind of a cheather. I've gotten to the point where I'd rather not though. I've gotten to the point where I would rather concentrate on moving forward with my life and taking care of myself.