Questions for the S OW/OM

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Questions for the S OW/OM
5
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 8:52am

1) How long did your A last?


2) What led you into having an A?


3) How did you justify your A?


4) What was the main reason for why it ended?


5) What regrets are you facing now?


TIA,

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 9:59am

<<>>

7 1/2 very long years

<<>>

Not happy/fulfilled in my marriage.

<<>>

I was a very self-entitled person. I've always gone after what I wanted and it was what I wanted.

<<>>

Years and years of emotional abuse from a man that is insecure, demanding, controlling and all-around toxic. I finally had enough banging of my head against the concrete wall.

<<>>

I don't regret leaving my M (it was for the best and he has been remarried for several years and seems very happy), but even though we didn't have a d-day, I do regret hurting my exH by cheating on him. I regret not standing up for myself and what I deserve sooner. I've learned so much about myself, but I regret that I won't get the 7.5 years of my life back.

Thanks Iddy :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 8:04pm

1.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2010
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 4:12pm
"It will all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 2:39pm

1) How long did your A last?

About 11 mo

2) What led you into having an A?

Lonely, feeling disconnected, needed an escape. As a person (er, obviously besides the dishonesty) he would have been someone it would have 'worked' with IRL.

3) How did you justify your A?

The usual, feeling as though I had an out of this world connection with xMM. He confided in me (truth or not) that his M was abusive and he wanted out, I told myself 'if I care, how could I leave him hanging in this situation?'. It kept me around and I just got more stuck as time went on.

4) What was the main reason for why it ended?

Things got too close to home for him at the end of January, I got thrown under the bus. Though, still told I was 'number 1'. While the A didn't go back to the pace it was previously, it was till A behavior. Over the next 5-6 months it finally became apparent to me that he wasn't ever leaving, no matter what was said, and he probably had never really planned on it; and that I was sticking around waiting for him to treat me differently (so I could feel valued), but eventually realized he never would. I decided that I didn't want (nor deserve) to be used any more, nor did I want to settle for and/or steal any more crumbs. So, I ended it.

5) What regrets are you facing now?

I regret that I contributed to a situation that hurt someone I didn't know (xAP's W) - even though she didn't 'know know' (no D-Day), I'm sure she had some idea. Whether she ever knows 'for sure' or not, there has been damage done. Whether she was or wasn't what xMM said, she still didn't deserve what she got. If he isn't/wasn't happy he should have had what it took to get out rather than string two people along. I should have had what it took to say 'get out, or get away from me' from go rather than giving him/the A so much (of my) time. I regret all of the time and energy that were mis-placed on the A rather than my school, friends and family. I regret that I missed out on a potential R with a S man, a colleague of mine, whom I actually had some feelings for previously...before my head got fogged in by the A.


Walk n' Block. Total NC 08-13-10
----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Fri, 08-20-2010 - 8:41pm

1) How long did your A last?

nearly 4 years

2) What led you into having an A?

I am struggling with finding this answer now. I remember meeting him for lunch and I remember how we got along. We just laughed a lot. I do remember being swept away but I want to take me back to why I didnt make a logical decision and stay away from a married man. Not like the emotions were deep felt at that point.

3) How did you justify your A?

I would make him out to be a good guy cause if I pointed the finger at him I would be pointing it at myself as well. I would empathize with him and felt horrible for him. I was thinking how could such a sweet guy, great father, so many great qualities within be treated the way he described to be treated.

4) What was the main reason for why it ended?

As much as I loved the PA part of A I felt that as more time went on and the more available I was to him the more he would treat me like Shizz. I want a family and I wanted one with him. But I know the reality is he cannot provide that for me. Even if he could this is not the way to start a R. I am still saddened that my fantasy was shattered and it is so difficult with me coming to terms for what I have done. Besides I really dont want to hurt a family just to fulfill my selfish wants. In fantasy tho I just believed that she couldnt care less if he came or went. But the more I am away from him the more I am not believing that. I am actually starting to believe he wants to be there. He just wants to play the field. He has other "playmates" so I was told by Wife. Anyway, thats water under the bridge. :-(

5) What regrets are you facing now?

So many. I have degraded myself way too many times. I feel so worthless now. I feel like I lost myself. I feel as though I will not find another like him. Im in a dark place when I should be out having fun and meeting great single guys. I wasted years of my life as those around me were getting married, making babies (including XMM) It will take me time to be that happy person again. I am also scared that I will not trust a man in future R.

Thanks Iddy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2005
Tue, 11-16-2010 - 11:58am

Bumping up an old thread to reply.. Hope that's ok!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010
Fri, 11-19-2010 - 11:18pm

<<>>

first time with him:

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2010
Thu, 11-25-2010 - 2:29am

1. once for about a year 8 yrs. ago, then again last march till mid october.

2. what led me was living with two friends who were dating and he and I were the better of the friends..we unfortunately became too good of friends, had an affair, then I stayed away as he married anyway, only to be silly enough to engage again almost 8 years later.

3.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2012
Thu, 01-05-2012 - 8:42pm
1. On-again-off-again for two years

2. His persistance wore me down. The strong chemistry and super powerful attraction that, despite all my will power and better sense, I was unable to resist. I swore off men long ago - it had been 12 years since my last relationship. Before this MM, I had no desire for a man in my life.

3. I did not try to justify it. We both knew it was wrong and experienced a lot of guilt about it.

4. His loss of respect for me over time. His refusal to make any accommodations for me.

5. What I did was wrong. My actions I hurt his wife and family (even though it was never discovered.) That I allowed myself to get sucked in to the relationship. That I broke the promise I made for myself that I would never let a man back into my life again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2011
Sun, 02-12-2012 - 5:00pm