Questions for those who are M

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Questions for those who are M
1
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 8:51am

1) How long did your A last?


2) What led you into having an A?


3) How did you justify your A?


4) What was the main reason for why it ended?


5) What regrets are you facing now?


TIA,

   ~Iddy~ 


Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 9:26am

Hi Iddy,


1. 15mo

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 9:32am
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 9:51am

1) How long did your A last?

18 months. The first 7 were EA, with no physical contact, only IM and emails.

2) What led you into having an A?

My M was (is) lacking physical and emotional connection. I was depressed, lonely, bored, and overwhelmed. I felt stuck. Now, I'm beginning to see that I got into my A because I have issues beyond M issues - such as low self esteem, lack of discipline/character, and poor coping skills. The excitement and distraction from my real life was too addictive.

3) How did you justify your A?

X and I agreed that our families came first - we'd never hurt them - we'd be extremely careful. We felt we were both stuck, without options, and that we actually helping our Ms by making the situation tolerable by getting our needs met elsewhere. Of course, we were 100% wrong in all of that.

4) What was the main reason for why it ended?

X need to focus on his family 100% because he'd decided to consider pursuing a divorce and needed to have clarity about why he was doing it and focus on his DS and their future without the stress, drama, guilt and distraction of a very intense EMA with me. I agreed. Also, I was a little relieved -- although, I wanted the A and felt deeply for X, I was beginning to tire of the A and his issues.

5) What regrets are you facing now?

My biggest regret is that I neglected my H, M and children so badly during the A - something I swore I'd never allow to happen, but didn't realize was inevitable in an A. I was depressed, moody, impatient and distant. I neglected every aspect of my RL, including my work. I also regret the damage I did to myself - but not nearly as much as the damage I did to my family and, honestly, to him and to his. I regret who I became during the A and for nurturing the basest part of myself; I didn't like that person and I'm having a difficult time reconciling with my self.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 10:33am

NC,


TIA means "Thanks in advance."


Thanks for your answers.


(((Hugs)))

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 11:00am
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 10:59pm


1) How long did your A last?
Almost 4 years

2) What led you into having an A?
So many of our answers here are alike. I was approaching the big "40". I had gained a lot of weight. H and I were not having sex anymore. Here was this great looking, single guy who liked me. Thought I was sexy. It felt good to be pursued. It had been so long. He made me feel young, beautiful. It was only supposed to be sex. But it was a drug for me. The more I was with him, the more I wanted.

3) How did you justify your A?
I was lonely. I did all the work with the house, the kids, everything. I deserved to have that "me" time. It was "my turn" to have what I wanted, what I needed. And besides, xAP and I loved each other, and loving someone can't be wrong, can it? Ugh. I can come up with all kinds of justifications.

4) What was the main reason for why it ended?
Honestly, he moved. Had he not moved away, we'd probably still be in the A, I'd still be justifying and fantasizing. Sad, but true. Thankfully, after he moved, he found someone new, someone who wasn't married who could offer him a real relationship. Hurt me like hell, but it made going NC a lot easier for me. Sometimes, it's almost like it all never happened.

5) What regrets are you facing now?
Like so many others, the time I wasted. I hate that I missed out on time with my kids especially, but also my family and friends. I pretty much became non social. I never made an effort to hang out with friends or make new friends because I was busy making plans with, texting, talking to or just missing my xAP. I also regret the lies. I was really not a fun person to be around. Living a double life can take a lot out of a person. And that's exactly what I was doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2010
Sat, 08-07-2010 - 1:19am

1) march 08 to

when one does not love too much, one does not love enough --blaise pascal
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Sat, 08-07-2010 - 9:09am
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Sat, 08-07-2010 - 10:16am

Interesting, but not surprising that so many of the answers are along the same lines.

1) How long?
4 years, the last year was spent trying to break away.

2) What led me into it?
The desire to feel loved. To be appreciated. To be wanted.
Ironically, an affair is the exact opposite of those things.

3) How did I justify it?
I felt numb at home. I was the glue that held everything
together for so many years. I felt I deserved to be loved.

4) Why did it end?
Besides, knowing how wrong it was, I became too stressed
with the constant struggle with the lies and the cover up.
xAP's quirky eccentric personality eventually was what really
led me to back off. He just wasn't worth it. I felt used for
travel and sex, though he claimed our relationship was never
based on that. We were long distance but saw each other
frequently, with me paying for everything. His trips to see
me were always business trips, so by me paying, he boosted
his expense account's bottom line and looked dang good to his
corporate office. I felt stupid and cheated. I wanted my
dignity and self respect back.

5) Regrets?
Many. My biggest regret is how I allowed xAP to be more
important to me than my family. I still have enormous
guilt that I pushed aside those the closest to me, to be
with xAP. I also regret the loss of self respect and
dignity during the time of the affair. I cannot believe
I did that! One thing I learned was I was not who I thought
I was. I was not the sweet southern elegant woman that I
presented to the world, I was a woman involved in an affair
with her old college boyfriend. That was the ugly truth.

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sat, 08-07-2010 - 1:57pm

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

Pages