Single OW

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Single OW
9
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 4:30pm
I need some serious advice and help. I am single and have been seeing a married man for a year now and am totally miserable. I want to end it but don't have the guts. I keep finding different excuses to stay with him. I feel horrible and ashamed of myself everyday. How can i break it to him without crying or feeling guilty. Im not this kind of person and for sure wouldn't want someone to do the same to me.

Tell me what you think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
In reply to: hill_11399
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 9:24pm
Just be honest. Tell him how you are feeling and that you can't do this anymore. Chances are he cares about you greatly and completely understands that it has to be hard for a single woman to be in an emotional relationship with a married man.

Talk to him... that's the best thing you can do.

Sorry my response is so short, I don't have much time to post right now.

I am a single woman involved in an affair for a little over a year. If you would like to email and talk please feel free. I am completely available 8-5 mon-fri.... michelechic24@yahoo.com

You can get through this :-)

hugs.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: hill_11399
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 12:12am
I think you need to end this relationship because you said you're totally miserable. A relationship shouldn't make you miserable. It should add to your life and help you feel good about yourself.

I was involved with a MM for a year, and it really broke my heart. It's not easy to leave, but you'll feel better eventually if you do. I'm at 10 weeks and 1 day of NC and for the first few weeks I thought the pain would never end but now I've gotten to the point where I'm actually starting to think about dating again!

I know it's hard to end it. Really really hard. Especially if you love him. But look, where is this relationship going? What can you accomplish with it?

Welcome to the board. Stay a while. We'll help you through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
In reply to: hill_11399
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 4:21pm
I am a SW seeing a MM for about 7months now. I have been reading the post and it seems that you guys ended the affair within a year. I guess im just curious did it happen because that was a time limit or things just ended or he ended it or i dont know. See I myself had thought to give it till the end of the year if things did not change he said he was leaving his W but I would really build the courage by March to leave...I mean thats a year for him to decide what he wants.

I guess I just want some opinions if possible.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: hill_11399
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 9:21pm
Chances are if he hasn't left the wife after seven months with you that he will never leave. Very few men leave their wives, no matter how much they love you, no matter how good he may feel with you, he is probably not going to leave. Or worse yet, he'll leave his wife, like mine did, but be unable to divorce her because he feels so much guilt.

My advice to you is to cut your losses and get out of the relationship TOMORROW. You'll spare yourself a lot of pain. My affair lasted nearly nine months and was followed by three months of friendship. We worked together so we had to see each other every day. If I had to do it over, while I can't say I would not have gotten involved with him, I can say I would have ended it after three months.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
In reply to: hill_11399
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 9:52am
iamdelightful...

thank you for your advise and yes i feel the same way...i wanna leave and i have told him this. but when i met him it was just basically friends then we got sexually involved but no strings. i am in school and i work full time and have a son so i really dont have much time...well a few months passed and we were attached. see when i met him he was having trouble in his marriage but his W was pregnant she had the baby in may thats when i realized i had feelings for him and did not want to let him go. it shocked me i knew it was coming but wow it shocked me. anyhow last month he asked his W for a D she said no but what holds him back that she is having suicidle thoughts he told me she was not thinking straight and just some of the things she says he thinks is postpardum effects. so basically i asked him so your going to feel sorry for her?? i cant wait until she decides its time to let you go...she can use that excuse if she knows its going to keep you till she dies...i mean i dont want nothing to happen to her but thats sorry women who use that. but he said postpardum is something that you cant control...see i never had that problem. thats when i questioned him how long am i suppose to wait?? a few months, 6months, a year??? he said sandy i cant give you a date but i can say i dont see myself with her for more then 6months he was like i just need her to think straight. he told her to talk to someone about her thoughts and she said i wanna talk to you and he told her you cant talk to me im part of your problem.

so thats y i wanna stick it out...but is it just a big lie??? dont know.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: hill_11399
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 11:26pm
txsandy, I can't tell you whether or not he's lying, but I have to wonder to myself why you would want a man who has cheated on his pregnant wife -- that's a woman's most vulnerable time, right? -- and is now using her depression as an excuse not to divorce her? This man will probably NEVER divorce his wife. I could be wrong; I can't see the future. But I've been on this board for 10 months now and all I see is pain and suffering and lots of guilt and crying.

If I were you I would say to him, settle your matters with your wife within your marriage and when you're divorced give me a call.

I know you love him, so it must be hard to leave. I was in love with a married man too, and it hurt like hell. Ultimately I had to put myself first, because he wasn't going to. As long as he's married you will always come second to his wife. Don't you want to be first in someone's life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
In reply to: hill_11399
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 12:26pm
Your right but its easier said then done...im so confused. His W called me sunday afternoon and OMG we hit it off. She told me to back off her H...I told her I have tried cuz I have and I told her I would. But he wont let me go and we seem to get back together he told her he was not going to let me go. Yet she remains with him. I told her W H does not love you he does not want to be married to you and she told me that was not my business I said the truth hurts and your right its not my business but I told her woman to woman you cannot keep a man who does not want to be kept. I said open your eyes...he refuses to let me go. I said whatever thats between you and him. Anyhow I cant believe she called me I told her...she then demanded H to stop talking to me he told her NO so then she said have her stop calling you he said NO she was like fine just dont tell her anything about us...and he said I can try that...I MEAN HELLO she still stays with him...I dont understand. I want to back away but im weak...I really love him and I keep telling my self give him till march that will be a year...but like I told him I dont know if I can hang on that long...dont know whats going to happen...I need to get some courage...thx for listening to me.
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: hill_11399
Sat, 09-13-2003 - 12:32pm
Sounds like a tough situation. You have my sympathy. It also sounds like he has absolutely no respect for his wife or his marriage and this doesn't bode well for any future relationswhip the two of you may have together. Look at how he treats his wife. Is this the way you would want to be treated? If it isn't, then leave this man because chances are that if you end up with him he's not going to treat you any better.

I don't understand why you find it hard to believe that she stays with him. She's his wife. They're married. They have a contract and a vow. Have more sympathy for her, you're not that different. You stay with him too, despite the fact that he hasn't left her for you. This man sounds like a bona fide, true, 100% cake-eater. Are you cake or are you a flesh and blood woman. Stand up for yourself. You deserve better than this person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
In reply to: hill_11399
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 10:06am
TXSANDY-

Look, I KNOW it's hard. We all know it's hard. But he would do the SAME THING TO YOU! Do you want that?? Deep down you think, "but I'm different" "What WE have is different." "He would not cheat on me--our sex is so good, our connection so strong..." But, he once had that connection with his wife, even if he claims he didn't or doesn't remember...he did!

Not all A's are the same, not all MM are the same, but there are some tell tale signs of MM that will never change. The fact that he won't leave her and he won't leave you is an indication that he doesn't want to commit to anyone--he probably CAN'T at this point in his emotional development. Let him go...YOU can grow past this guy.

And I can grow past mine....I hope.

-Joy