When do you KNOW?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2011
When do you KNOW?
Sat, 02-18-2012 - 7:23pm

I was reading Claire's post in the General Section about being single and not dating and her friends suggesting her to start.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Sun, 02-19-2012 - 1:52am
Coco I obviously don't have the answers lol. These are my worries as well! I too only get attracted to his look, overall persona. Obvious I am not over him. I just turned down a very nice man. I think, maybe if I see what a good man is like and what a woman really deserves I will stop thinking of him. But at the same time I need to know this within me right? So conflicting. I'm in my 30's and at that age where I get many invites to weddings, baby showers etc. My heart is so happy for my friends. But I mourn the loss of me in all of this mess! One thing we do know for sure is never to walk the A path ever again. At least we are moving ahead rather then backwards! I suppose on time will tell!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sun, 02-19-2012 - 8:17am



I can relate to this comment. I did this for a very long time and every time I saw someone that reminded me of him, my heart would start hurting again. This is when I knew I was nowhere close to wanting to date again.

There is no time table for when you will be ready to date again. As far as wondering how far along you are in your healing, the heart will know when it's ready to open up for someone new. Months and months doesn't mean squat, honey. From what I've read and through my own experience, it takes at least a year to get over someone...for me it was 3 years. I know...Ugh!


Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Sun, 02-19-2012 - 8:45am

Hi Coco,

I have a lot of the same questions swirling around in my head as you do. I am separated for 10 months now and have had an easier time getting over my M than I have this A. After my A ended in late Septemeber, I felt really awful as we all do.About 6 weeks out I decided to join an online dating site. I started dating, but every date I wnet out on I was comparing to xAP. I was even looking for men that were similar to xAP in looks and hobbies, etc. Big red flag to me that I was not ready to date. After every date I would go on I would be sad and down because it was xAP I wanted to be on the date with and also out of some loyalty to him as you mentioned. I did meet a really nice guy and I was talking myself out of moving things forward with him and I wasn't sure if it was because of my lingering feelings for xAP or because I was afraid of being hurt or because I just didn't feel it for him. In the end I have decided to take a break from the dating and focus on working on myself and just living my life and being content in that. I think then the rest will fall into place. I am the type of person that needs to be busy and always have something going on, afraid of being by myself and having toomuch time to think. I have started intentionally making sure I have enough alone time and it is getting easier for me to enjoy that time. You will know when you are ready, the timeframe is different for all of us. I know I am not and it has been almost 5 months for me since my A ended.Don't beat yourself up over it, just spend your time doing things you enjoy and allow yourself to take the time you need that way when you have an opportunity for a new relationship you will be in an emotionally healthy place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2011
Sun, 02-19-2012 - 3:52pm

Thank you for your responses, actually I kinda wanted to hear that I should take time for myself I know that deep down, but I wanted it to hear it "out loud"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2011
Sun, 02-19-2012 - 8:51pm

For what it's worth, I didn't realize how NOT over my exAP I was 8 years ago when I met my H.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 02-20-2012 - 3:26pm

Hi Coco

I was a single gal when involved with xJAM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2011
Wed, 02-22-2012 - 2:34pm

Hey Coco

I am actually going to attempt to answer some of your questions as i had similar ones and have explored them in therapy too! Ultimately of course, only you have the answers but here goes, hope it helps:

a) doing the right thing and healing and getting to know myself and taking all the time I need You are doing this but it is possible to develop feelings for someone else at the same time as you are getting over another. I am dating a guy at the moment and I am not sure of my feelings for him because I thought I wasn't ready and not fully over XAP so how could any feelings for new guy be genuine? Therapist said it was possible for the two to happen in tandem. It might turn out that you are in fact not yet ready, but you probably won't know until you give it a go.

b) scared as luck about getting hurt. This is very possible

c) looking for another XAP replacement, in terms of right now I only ever notice guys who look like him. This one surprised me actually as the guys I went on to date post-A couldn't be more different to XAP and this for me was a good thing. They didn't look anything like him and had different personality traits. Some better, some worse but try to judge the guys you end up dating on their own merit and in relation to what and who you are looking for in a partner and relationship.

d) hanging on to an invisible hope and being in some unconscious way loyal or saving myself for his return (oh purleeze I say to myself) like some Miss Havisham in my dusty old house with all the clocks stopped - yegads I better not be... this is one only you can do and the hardest in my opinion as it means you completey giving up hope. In my final A-related chat with XAP we told each other we had to let each other go and give up hope on our fantasy. That helped me massively because it was admitting out loud to each other and ourselves that what we dreamed of could never come true. I guess that was a huge turning point for me and I 'knew' at that point there was no going back.

Have you tried making a list of what you want from a partner and from a relationship and what your needs are? It's a useful exercise not least because it will help you gain a better understanding of what you're looking for but will also be a great 'checklist' for potential suitors ;) I'd do a top 5 non-negotiable and rest 'nice to have'. The non-negotiable things should be exactly that - non-negotiable! You've put up with enough crap thank you vey much, now's a good a time and opportunity as any to really re-evaluate what you need and want and start to get it :)

As for the getting old thing - yeah I think as women we just have that ingrained in our DNA. You will know when you're ready but my advice to you is to take it slow. Try to 'get back on the saddle' as your friends suggest, go on a date and if you feel that on the date/after the date it's too much then you'll know and it's too fast. But I don't think you'll really know until you try it.


The first day of the rest of my life: 25/10/2011
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2011
Thu, 02-23-2012 - 3:49pm

Thank you very much EO for this