11 year affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2011
11 year affair
Sun, 09-29-2013 - 7:33pm

I have been in an affair with a MM for 11 years.  His DW has known from almost the beginning, my girlfriend called her.  She chose to ignore it.  He has a 12 year old son and always says he can't leave because of the boy.  He says his father left when he was a kid and he won't do that to the kid. 

We started a construction company 7 years ago and work together and even live together for weeks at a time while working out of town.  We go "home" for a couple of days every two or three weeks.  He constantly tells me and anyone else how much he loves me, can't live without me, etc.  Everyone in "our" life always thinks we are married because we are always together. 

In April his 20 year old daughter found pictures of us from a vacation 4 years ago and went to the wife.  She tried to pretend she didn't know, but since has admitted she knew.  We went on a pre planned vacation in Vail right after the pictures were discovered.  He was always texting wife while we were gone, wife called me and left message saying things weren't what I thought.  She put a lot of thoughts in my head and I was going nuts worrying.  We argued and he left me and the business for 9 weeks.  I was devestated, but continued to work everyday.  We still talked every day or two and he was there to help with any business problems I had. 

He came back the end of June and I was in heaven.  He was only back a few days and he told me he had planned a camping trip with his 12 year old son and could not get out of.  I tried to get ahold of him when my truck broke and couldn't.  I called one of his buddys and he said until they get back from the cruise I don't know how to get ahold of him. My world fell apart again. Of course we tried for the past two months to work everything out but things are strained. 

He has always said he will leave when his son gets out of school and I have tried to understand.  I don't like it but accept his decision.  We are always together, night and day so it is easier to accept.  On our last job which was out of state he told me he didn't want to have the business anymore and can't work out of town.  He said he needs to be home with his son.  I said I can't live with you sleeping in that house and not being together.  I will go crazy wondering what you are doing with wife, what you are talking about, what you are eating, everything. 

The wife is very abusive mentally, she beats him down constantly.  She tries to make the son hate him and tells him what a loser his dad is. When he first came back he was very down and talked about killing himself. Said he would rather die than lose son or me.  We did finish the job a week or so ago and he went "home".  I have held strong that it is over because I can't go back to just an affair. 

My world is upside down.  My life has revolved around him for so long that I don't know what to do.  He tries to call and text me constantly and I have told him repeately that it hurts too much to not be together.  We both need to go our seperate ways and find happiness.  He doesn't seem to want this any more than I do but he is also not willing to leave his son.  How do I keep trying to make him go when deep inside I don't really want to.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 09-29-2013 - 7:57pm

  That your affair got too deep is understandable.  It is like losing a old friend.  You do have a company to run.  The important part is to move on.  You can tap into your business savvy.  It is not easy.  Emotions will find a comfortable place.  Do not look back.

I have been there and my friends have too.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Wed, 10-02-2013 - 9:52am

Why have you been the OW for 11 years?  That is way too long to be the person on the side. Does his immediate family know about you? Ask yourself why you are OK with sharing a man. You wrote that your world revolved around a man who is M to someone else. I strongly suggest that you get into counseling and determine why your entire world depends on someone outside of yourself. That is co-dependency and needs to be addressed. Your world falls apart when he lets you down which he seems to do when he feels like it. There are men out there who will treat you with respect, honor and not cheat on you or with you. You have set a precident which tells him you are willing to be a doormat because you love him more than you love yourself. It is time to turn iit around. How do you know his W is abusive? You don't live in their home so you don't know that to be true. And as for him staying because of his son... that is bs. You don't go on cruises with someone you don't want to be with. He has two women who love him more than they love themselves and he is eating it up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2013
Fri, 10-04-2013 - 10:22am
How on earth have you lasted 11 yrs? That must be exhausting. Go with your gut. Decide what's best for you. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Fri, 10-25-2013 - 12:27am

The answer about what to do is very clear and easy.  Walk away and cut your ties.  But the act is excruitiatingly difficult..  Especially after 11 years.  You can compete with a difficult wife, but the love of a child is a concrete barrier.  I know you are dying inside, but you must let him go.  God bless.