1st time here how does no contact work

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2010
1st time here how does no contact work
2
Sun, 02-14-2010 - 11:15pm
I started an affair with a MM over 8 months ago. I had the biggest crush on him for years. It was mutual and this past summer things just clicked. I'm married myself but thought I would take a chance with this man. It has been a roller coaster ever since and I'm so tired. He had had a previous affair and of course told me all about it including all the time they spent together, all the lunches they had, and on on. He got caught and his wife forgave him. Don't ask me why he started this with me. After almost 8 months, I started asking for lunches too and more planned time together. He's always too busy with work, his kids, his life and no I can't have those things. It took 8 months to get a lunch at Subway....seriously and I was grateful and happy about it. I keep thinking of all the risks I take to be near him and again and again I keep coming up with the short-end of the stick. We've been fighting on and off for the past month. He seemed for awhile to really make the effort until his wife started acting suspicious then he completely pulled back. Saturday morning when he called he told me how he took her to the mall to buy her hoop earrings for Valentines day. Of course I got nothing. We fought and I went on about how a card would have been nice and how he spends no time with me. Really it's just all around pathetic. I don't feel anything half the time. I've neglected my kids and marriage to be with him. I know he goes home and shuts the door and doesn't think two thoughts about me. I've risked so much and he never has. I'm scared but I know he does not love me. I get crumbs over and over. I want to end things but I want him to hear my pain. I thought I would end this through a text but no matter how hard I try I can't say what I feel. I think over the phone would just end up with him getting angry and hanging up on me. I need advice. I don't feel anything anymore. I'm numb. What is no contact and how can I apply it to this situation? Sorry for the rambling. The thing is is I'm an attractive, smart, funny, nice woman and I keep thinking he'll see this about me and change but it doesn't ever happen. Help me please
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 10:09am

Sorry for your heartbreak.

If you are wanting to break this off and try no contact I highly recommend you join the women on EAS board. They have lots of resources on how to get through the ending process with affairs.

On one level its really basic... No Contact means you don't contact AP in any way shape or form. Its hard in the doing.

But check out EAS, if you are tired of affair they can help give you the support you need to walk away.

Best of Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 11:05am

Oh, dear, foolme. It sounds like you aren't getting much from this A at all. In fact, it sounds like it's doing more damage than good for you. I agree with KP...go visit the EAS board. I bounce back and forth all the time, although I'm not quite ready to end my A yet. (It's a totally different situation than yours.)


You might want to consider some therapy to help you through. All I can say is try and TAKE CONTROL. Right now, he's controling you, getting what he wants (presumably sex) when he wants it. Sounds like he doesn't want to risk his wife finding out and therefore, has stashed you away in the deepest, darkest corner of his world.


Read the Healing Library on the EAS Board. Find the strength and end it. If you aren't getting what you need out of an A, then why have one? It will just keep hurting you and dragging you further down. And I'm sure you are worth--and deserve--quite a lot more than you are getting.


(((HUGS)))