20 Yrs Later / Do People Make This Work?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
20 Yrs Later / Do People Make This Work?
2
Wed, 04-28-2010 - 1:00am

20 years ago I became involved with a co-worker in an EA that eventually became a PA. The entire relationship lasted less than a year. At the time I had next to no self-knowledge and chose to end the relationship in order to try to make my marriage work.

3 children later, the marriage is as much a mistake as ever: it's very true that children do not save a relationship.

The guilt I felt over the A eventually led me to confess to my DH. He was devastated, and the fallout was intense. However, as a Christian man he chose to forgive and put it behind us. Which ultimately has been difficult to do, given the rend in the trust between us. And now I think I finally realize how wrong I was to marry him in the first place.

I married for reasons that had more to do with trying to be the person my family wanted me to be than b/c I had found a true life partner. Over the 23 years we've been married, it has become more and more clear to me that I allowed my DH to marry me under seriously false pretenses, as the person I presented to him was nothing resembling who I truly was then, much less who I am now. As I've embraced, more and more, who I now know myself to be, DH and I have moved farther and farther apart in every way.

Over the past year to 2 years I've come face-to-face with this realization and have been entirely unsure where to go with the conclusion. My kids are upper elementary to starting college and the last thing I want to do is upset their equilibrium. Things at home are at least stable, if not lovey-dovey. No abuse, no overt dysfunction. I've never even considered another A - that was, I thought, a one-time deal. Though I never forgot or stopped thinking about my AP.

Now enter AP from way back: still interested, still fascinating to me, still the person who has always felt like my other half. Being in contact with him again has felt like coming home.

Since we are many miles apart, we have conducted a whirlwind re-acquaintance correspondence by email and phone over the past couple of months, and are considering the possibility of meeting in the next few months. Should that meeting happen it is clear this EA would immediately become a PA.

Besides the obvious dilemma over the deception involved, here's what I'm struggling with: is it possible to conduct a long-term EA that is anything but painful torture?

After finding this forum I began to entertain the idea that it would be possible to find satisfaction in this dual life over a long haul. But within a few days the longing for him, the guilt from the very idea of doing this to DH again, concern for my kids and my ability to maintain my focus at home - all these doubts began to take over again, making me wonder if this is worth it and/or truly possible to continue.

Is it possible to find peace, or at least satisfaction, in this kind of situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Wed, 04-28-2010 - 8:42am
Since you haven't really started anything more than an ea at this point, my advice is always to stay off the roller coaster. I can probably count on one finger (if that) the number of times that advice has been followed, but I offer it anyway. Think about all those years ago when you were involved before, and the guilt etc. that you felt. Think about the fallout you went through. Think about how long it took for the trust to come back into your relationship.



You say you don't want to upset your children's lives, and I understand that. But if the guilt caused you to confess before, what makes you so sure you won't do so now? How much more would it upset your children if an affair were discovered? How would it tear apart their world? There can be discovery even if you don't confess.



"Is it possible to find peace, or at least satisfaction, in this kind of situation?"



Actually, yes, I think it's possible. But it comes with the constant knowledge that it could all come crashing down with discovery. Obviously, those of us here are choosing to live with that possibility. I always advise against living with it, if you can. But we're here to support you no matter what you choose.



And welcome to MAS guinivere!

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Wed, 04-28-2010 - 9:18am
Before you jump in, go check out EAS (End of Affair Support Board) - read the thread on D-Days (you already had one) and get an overall feel of what kind of pain you'll be in when you'll be ending it. Because all affairs end, rather sooner than later. And don't fool yourself, women are incapable of living double life - our brains wired differently from men (and sometimes I personally regret it, I don't like the drama:).
**Bloodied but unbowed**