:} 2c im not alone but I still need help
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:} 2c im not alone but I still need help
| Tue, 02-23-2010 - 3:00pm |
First, let me say I’m so glad there are ppl out there that understands and offer support for ppl like me w/o judgment.

Being in a similar situ as you LM40, i am empathetic of you. What we forget is that W was there 1st. This is a cold reality and as unpleasant as it sounds, im afraid its life. As in all As W & F are always the place AP goes home to whether its an hour or a night away. Home is where they have their favorite posessions and their name on the bills.
All that aside, if Ap is the baby daddy, then he also has a family with you (or at least your DC) so i think that he should always make time for your DS. Have you had a paternity test? Why dont you know if he is the dad...did you try to date when you ended the A and they also could be the father? Do you want to know whos DS it really is in case it doesnt turn out to be APs?
I dont have much to offer except that you have spent 7 precious years waiting for something which clearly AP isnt prepared to do. My only suggestion would be to get the paternity, establish parental rights and if your DS is his then make necessary arrangements. Work on getting yourself out of this A once and for all and get yourself someone that will not hesitate to tell you they love you and only you. I know im being a hypocrit by going along with AP right now, but i have not put him in a position of her or me. Its something that will happen soon but i am not prepared to end things yet.
Good luck to you and your baby.
SB.
LM40,
I'm a MM in a A with a MW for 5 years.
I am sorry that you are struggling with your situation. One of the really tough things about an A, is that we never really do get to ask the questions we'd otherwise ask and we can't really expect an honest answer...how can our APs be honest when our involvement with them is built on a lie. I used to think differently; that an A was a easy place to be honest, because there is no reason to lie. I know, it's silly. We and our APs are lying and being dishonest in order to be with us, how can we expect them to be totally honest about their feelings inside or outside of the A.
Anyway, what options do you really have; what options do any of us have? We know that our APs are married ( and some of us are as well ), can we have any expectations?
That said, I agree that you should absolutely establish paternity, regardless of the future of your A. If this is is child he is responsible to both you and him. Just look at the John Edwards affair for an example. If this child is his, you and he need to come up with an arrangement when the child know his father; anything else is unfair to your child. BTW, if it's not his child, is he okay with you being active outside the A?
In my situation, I recently asked me AP what the living arrangements were with her H ( my W and I are separated ). She told me that they are sometimes in the same bed, but not intimate. I chose to believe her, but is that realistic...I mean, really? If I think about it, she has no reason to be fully honest with me. If she is fully honest, she runs the risk of losing me. Besides, she already proven that she is a capable liar; it's what allows her to be with me ( and me with her). I have no idea if she still loves him, I assume she does, but while I am in the A with her, I've got to put that out of my mind and enjoy whatever time I have with her. I am okay with that for right now, because I am learning something about myself and my needs as I go through this.
As with every relationship, this A will end eventually. Think about it realistically and not morbidly; all of our relationships end. Sometimes we leave, sometimes they leave, sometimes it's mutual...heck, relationships even end when someone passes (hopefully after a long life together). Get comfortable with the idea that it will end eventually and make sure your child is cared for.
I wish you all the best.
MPV
Not trying to hijack MPV, but if you go to the Mismatched Libido Board, you will very well see that there are MANY women who can lay next to their DHs sometimes for years at a time without having $ex.
LM40 how are things with you now?
SB,
I suppose you are right...thanks for the reminder. Listen, I did the same for many years before I moved out of my home.
MPV