30% less kindness?
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| Thu, 05-27-2004 - 9:55am |
Something he said in the article made me think of the A's of some of us, and in fact our relationships in general. He says, "Treat 30% less kind than you'd like to and that will keep everything pretty much in line."
This started me thinking (actually, I'm always thinking, this just steered me somewhere else.) People here have commented that after a certain point sometimes they feel like the person who pursued them has lost interest -- something akin to "thrill of the hunt."
I look at some relationships I know that go on a long time with one person seeming to employ a "30% less" strategy. I look at my own M and see that I was willing to tolerate about 30% less, but once my W got so wrapped up in work and other things that her giving was about 50% less than I wanted, I realized I was done. But the funny thing is that at 30% or so, I was still really trying. I was kept totally in line by my need to please and appease.
Now I'm looking at my A. I love my OW dearly, but now that I'm seeing her all of the time, spending every night, and doing things with her on weekends... well, to be blunt, honest, and slightly terrible, she just isn't giving the effort she did before. She's settled, the chase is -- for the most part -- over. Yes, she's waiting on my D, waiting to move in together and still working things out. But the majority of drama seems to be ending and she already seems a little ho-hum, less sexual, less flexible in how she accepts being a part of my life. I would accept this as the nature of a growing relationship and changes inherant in taking out relationship more "full time" but this is remarkably similar to how my W reacted when we broke things off before the wedding and how we ended up having problems.
Much as I hate to write it, I'm already wondering if I'm giving too much. Which really sucks because what I wanted (and thought I was getting in my OW) was a relationship where I could give everything I had and it would be received, returned, and desired. She always said she wanted this close, very physical and very affectionate relationship, but it isn't really going the way I expected. And maybe it will work out, maybe it's just her anti-despressants. I don't know. I just know I don't like it and it's hard to talk about.
So what are your thoughts? Can a relationship really be happier when one person is giving 30% less than they'd normally give? Does that facilitate some strange way of maintaining a power balance in the relationship or something similar? Or are these just the lunatic rambling of an eccentric artist?
rain

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how long has she been on the meds? depending on which one it is - and how long she has been taking it - that may be a result of the seemingly lack of interest...i am lucky - on an anti-anxiety with no "ill fated" effects ;)
the thing that has worked best for me and MM (with the exception of our 'space' times - like now) is that i tell him exactly how i am feeling - lay it out there - pull no punches - lay it on the line - no sugar coating. it works for us - we get it all out there and wade thru the muck...but you two are different people. what is your gut telling you?
btw...nice to have a gent on the board for perspective - thanks!
db
I wouldn't really agree with the 30% less strategy because then I wouldn't be my actual self and would be holding myself back. I believe in doing whatever you feel like doing at the moment be it hugging the person, crushing his/her bones and telling them how much you love them OR giving them your piece of mind when you are irritated and would like to shoot them down with a gun. Now this duality in my personality comes naturally to me and for some reason it keeps the guys interested although I never show the extreme parts of my personality on intention. It just happens.
I think in your case, the problem might be that when you are nice you show the niceness but when you are in a crappy mood, you keep it all to yourself because you are trying to be politically correct and not trying to hurt anybody. I suggest that you don't hold yourself back whether in love or in hate. Show them love when you are full of love and lust but when you are in a crappy mood, give it all to them, say it all, express it all…break a few dishes if the need arises.
PG
You can percieve that as being happy?
dd
I believe in giving 100% and I expect 100%.
Here's another theory:
The people that are on the receiving end of 70% - are posting on this board!!!
Take care
Red
But when I think about it in the context of my own life...as the years go by, H seems to be saying I am "giving less". I don't perceive it myself. I am definitely giving more sex, when we were newlyweds it was about 3X week, and now it's daily. But I think I do that to keep him from feeling insecure, which is his strong tendency. He says I give him less AFFECTION now. I can't really see what he means. I have never been a really cuddly person, but I hug and kiss...But anyway, I have never made any coldhearted decision to give 30% less!!! I love my H.
Could it possibly just be an instinct? A self-protective instinct? Sometimes with my MM, I try to do something warm, and for lack of a better word, he dodges it. For example, I'll say, "I miss you sooooo much baby!!" And he'll say "um ah yeah well yeah, so, did you watch the hockey game?" Or, I'll move in for a third kiss goodnight and he'll literally duck. But I don't think he's consciously trying to give 30% less. He just feels overwhelmed by how it feels to give 100%. He likes things light. Bud Light instead of Bud. And maybe if he suddenly met my affection full-on, I'D be the one pulling back a little and thinking, whoa Nelly.
100% from both sides at the same time just burns a little too hot. Maybe running at 70% power means the thing will burn longer. This does not excuse the whole bait-and-switch routine you seem to be getting from OW though. I'm just speaking generally.
Rain, what kind of artist are you? Did you say once that you write erotica? I do too. Of a very different kind, though, i reckon.
barefoot
Hmmm... well, I like 100% and burning too hot. Personally, that's my preference. I don't know why. I guess maybe because I've never met anyone who "burns as hot" as I do for as long.
It's funny, people suggest that "after a while, sex decreases in any relationship." Great. That just means I'll spend my entire life with less sex, because in EVERY relationship I've ever been in, for however long it lasts, I never seem to back off my sex drive. Actually, as I get to know someone and get more attenuated to them I usually want them more. Anyway...
As for "dodging" affection... it's weird, I do that too... but to my W. When I see her for something she usually gives me a hug goodbye. And I care about her, so I'm willing to show her some gentleness -- if nothing else, some compassion just by not pushing her away from me. But about every fourth time she'll try to slide in a kiss... if I'm slow, she gets a cheek, if I'm quick, I back out. It's hard, but I am trying to make sure she is getting the meaning of it all. Maybe I'm making it worse. Who knows.
As for being an artist... I'm a musician/illustrator/photographer/writer/advertising producer/etc. Lots of hats, some which I actually get paid pretty well to wear. LOL
Interesting... I never mentioned the erotic writings, but yes... I may have dabbled to some decent reviews elsewhere...
;) I'd be interested to read your "very different kind" though. Really.
rain
In my honest opinion, and in my case, May I remind you I probably am in need of therapy. Going forward, with me , once it is established I have the utmost attention from a man and he is doing everything he can for me , i seem to move on. Not all women are like this , but a fair majority are, just like men . Have you ever heard the saying " Nice guys finish last" From my stand point , this is true... Love, RCD
No disrespect, I just want to give you my input. You always are so helpful to me . But I believe that some women are after the chase also. I love my MM but I know for me that after the chase , the butterflies seem to diminish. And there could NEVER be any future for us, because I would never trust him or myself , coming from a cheating relationship ...that is just the way it is..
After reading your post again , it just occured to me why you are so sensitive ,,, you are an ARTIST. Music, and writing ... my god you are just sooo in tune with feelings !! I am somewhat in tune , but I cannot sing, but I write. My advice to you is be less of a nice guy !!!
People like us are always looking for the ROMANCE !!! But it is not always given back by the other.. What is your astrological sign ?? Do you like the Dave Matthews band ???
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