4 D Days, emotional abuse and NC

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
4 D Days, emotional abuse and NC
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 1:55pm

I dont know where to begin, I will make this as brief as possible which will be difficult due to many many complexities. First and foremost, I have been in a near year relationship with my soulmate. We have known each other for nearly 20 years and have always had an undescribable unbelievable connection. We are both married with children. Both relationships have been on the rocks for quite some time and for different reasons. She is in a seriously emotionally abused situation which has started to turn physical. He is and has always been extremely controlling. He dictates where she works, how many hours she works, if males are around, time to quit. Anyway, we had our first D Day in January. It was chaotic as you can imagine. She tried counseling which was a wreck. They focused on the A and spent 0 time on the abuse. As a matter of fact, they sort of condoned it because of the betrayal. We had several days of NC due to the chaos and shortly after continued while beeing very careful. We had D Day #2 in person in early July. This was very dramatic, cops showed up, you name it. This time was different, she stayed in constand communication and started putting plans in place to leave him. That entire weekend, he locked her in the house, grabbed her, shook her, and threw her around in front of the children. He told the children the entire time that there mom picked another man over them, that she didnt love them, that she was a whore, you name it. All the while, she never follows through on the police reports. He continually threatens to take the kids and she will never see them again. D Day #3 came in late July as he found her other phone and again, the drama insued. This type of behavior by the way is not limited to d days, he drinks and you never know what to expect. She has GPS on her phone and is timed everywhere she goes. He also constantly monitors the phone bill and does surprise spot checks at random. The only reason that she has stayed is 1) her weak mind as a result of years of control and abuse and 2) they were moving at the end of July to Arizona where her kids would be in a better educational setting and she would be able to keep them there. Well they moved, 1 night, he was verbally bashing out of the blue and she once again told him that she did not love him, she loved me. This escalated. He unplugged all phones, abused her in front of the kids, the older one stood up for her, locked her in his room and protected her. They moved out the next day, leaving her, once again, cops involved, same routine. This time, the dad had them call and say that she picked me over them and they are leaving the state and dont want anything to do with her. She could here the dad telling them in the background what to say. She told them she was divorcing the dad, it was over. She said that the A and the problems were between her and the dad, not with them. She told them that regardless, she did not want them to grow up thinking that it is right to abuse a woman under any circumstance. The older boy said he didnt know what she was talking about, there was no abuse, that she needed help. They denied it all............ She caved in in the face of weakness and the thought of losing her kids and allowed him back. We have had NC for 4 days and I am very worried for her safety. I have done everything to have her back and build up her self worth and strength, but I dont know what to do know..... Any advice, I would appreciate. Sorry for the length.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 11:35pm

I have a feeling sunny will have some wise words for this situation!  She is always good with things like this.  Personally, I think she sounds like a person who needs drama in her life.  Was she raised in a chaotic or violent household, maybe with an alcoholic parent?  Whatever the case, by choosing to return to him and continue with the A, and then to be negligent enough to get caught so many times...that definitely sounds like a twisted need for drama.  I'm NOT saying she's a bad person, but just that she is making choices, and those choices reflect needs that most of us would not consider to be normal.

As hard as it is, I think you need to let go.  By choosing to stay with him, she is asking him to be her protector, not you.  She obviously picked the wrong person, but you have no other choice but to accept her decision.  It's very hard to watch somebody you love stay in a hurtful R, but all you can do is apply what you have learned from her to your own life, the only life you do have control over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 8:37am
Welcome to the board 13. This situation breaks my heart as well as yours. I can tell by your post that you understand her mind and how it works due to the emotional abuse she has lived with. The sad part is, she needs to fix herself, her worth and retrain herself and given the situation she has no means to do so until she leaves.

Do you have a mutual friend that can check on her, without raising suspicions? I take it her H knows who you are? Does your W know of the affair, getting caught again could drive this home to your roost. Please don't allow this to devastate your children too.

You entering into an affair with her has probably been a blessing and detriment. I say that because she had conditioned herself to her life. Then you enter into the A and she finds strength she didn't know she had. But not enough strength to fight this alone, nor to leave the situation.

I understand your love and your worry. In some ways her need of you has made you feel like a hero. You want to rescue her. This has more to do with you and not just your love and concern for her.

Right now, the best thing you can and must do for her is to step back. Allow her to work through this and find a place where she can find peace in her situation. Because your presence in the situation is making it escalate.

Regardless of how much goodness, love and light you give her, she is shattered inside, until she and she alone can find the strength to walk away from her H she will live the life she has allowed herself to be in over the years. She helped build that life, yes she has been conditioned, yes she has been abused, but she has taken no steps to changed that until you entered her life. Her H is a master manipulator and controller, using fear among other things to control her. One can only hope you have given her enough inner strength that she will put a plan into motion to take her and her children away from this situation.

I don't think she needs drama in her life nor wants it, but I do feel you have been her only light in this dark place and she is afraid to let that go. In not driving your affair far enough underground, you have both given this man more ammunition with which to control her.

JJ is right she is making choices, even if she doesn't realize it and she has been making these choices all along and you need to accept that right now. She has chosen to exclude you from her life. She actually needs that to come back to a safe zone in a f*#*d up situation they call marriage and we call h*ll.
Let go, let her find peace as best as she can right now.

As for yourself, journal to help yourself move forward. Give yourself an outlet and time to grieve. Hope in your heart that she finds the strength to get herself out of this situation and find a therapist that will work on her. Let go and know that you will be there when she comes back.

Visit the after your affair board or post here anything other then bottling this up, talking about it can be very therapeutic.

There are no magic answers Life is Tough!!
Best wishes to both of you (((hugs)))