5yrs am I crazy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2008
5yrs am I crazy?
9
Thu, 04-09-2009 - 9:12pm
Five years we have been together and in that time I have left my marriage moved to a new town and still wait for him to join me. As I am writing this I am wondering how pathetic. But I know this man loves me more than his wife. So why isn't he leaving her... I am told their relationship is like living with his sister and that they have only a business type marriage. We are both in a job that we can talk a lot on the phone to each other. But come evening calls are off limits.. The calls to each other start at about7am and continue thru the day till 5 or so.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2009
In reply to: emrsg59
Fri, 04-10-2009 - 12:27am

Hey emr...you have been hanging in there a long time.

maystone
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2008
In reply to: emrsg59
Fri, 04-10-2009 - 1:34am

Hi and welcome to the board.

5 years is a very long time to be living in somebody's shadow. I think by now you must know that he's not moving out. Maybe he's dragging his feet? Maybe he's got unfinished business? Maybe he's waiting for the right moment? Maybe he's scared? The maybe's are endless...

But you and I both know where this is leading...

I spoke to my AP and asked him if he was in my shoes what he would do? (we've been together for a year only)...he said that he would wait a year and half, but not any longer. He said if the person is not ready to move after a year and half than he wouldn't waste his time.

I just think its time you decide what you plan on doing? Maybe start dating around, and keeping your AP as a friend until he leaves his marriage? I don't know but don't plan on him leaving, at least set a plan for YOUR future.

If he leaves, then GREAT! but don't plan on it is what I'm saying...

And I'm truly sorry... I know how it feels. =(

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2006
In reply to: emrsg59
Fri, 04-10-2009 - 7:42am
I was just thinking I wrote this b/c its been 4 yrs for us (well 4 in june).I could have wrote every sentence we have a work relationship (he's my boss) tells me I'm his soul mate ,he says he can't stand her and stays for the kids and we are constantly on the phone until 6pm as he is pulling into his driveway and hurrying me off the phone.Now I'm going through the motions of trying to let him go b/c I've woke up and realized I'm wasting my time.I love him and I've wasted the last 4 yrs trying to be something for someone that will never be anything more than a fling with emotions attached.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2008
In reply to: emrsg59
Fri, 04-10-2009 - 7:52am
Thank you for your response.. as difficult it was to read I have to listen to what you said. My heart is breaking, my stomach churnning.I can only hope it gets better soon. Thanks again
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2009
In reply to: emrsg59
Fri, 04-10-2009 - 10:01am

I know emr... if emotions are involved it is never easy and always feels like this impossible thing to get through.

maystone
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
In reply to: emrsg59
Sun, 04-12-2009 - 9:17am
yeah, telling his W would backfire for sure.You dont mention what he says as to why isnt he leaving.kids? religious ? finances ? Leaving isnt as easy as it is to type it,lol( sorry !).I am not saying he is,but your AP could be a cake-eater.Many a times they would say the M is unbearable ,sad,unhappy,no sex etc just to keep you hanging in there,kwim?
(( hugs ))
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
In reply to: emrsg59
Sun, 04-12-2009 - 12:21pm

That is a long time to have been waiting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
In reply to: emrsg59
Sun, 04-12-2009 - 10:24pm

Hi emr,

I would say that if he is not D after 5 years there is very very little chance that he will ever D. Your AP hasn't left his W because he still loves her; don't believe everything he says look at his actions - he's still with her and not you.

I was involved with a MM for over 3 years and he kept saying we were soulmates etc. and when I asked him if we would ever be together all he would say was 'not right now, but I hope that one day we will be'... I ended up leaving the A recently and it's hard, I feel like I lost 3 years of my life putting time and effort into a R that had no chance of going anywhere.

You don't want to provoke a D-Day that would be horrible; think of all the pain you will inflict on his W and there is a huge chance he will throw you under the bus in favor of saving his M, it's not worth it and you'll never have the satisfaction of knowing that he came to you willingly and not because his W threw him out.

good luck with your reflections, hugs

trixie

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
In reply to: emrsg59
Sun, 04-12-2009 - 11:38pm

Hi,


I by no means am judging you or anyone that is having an affair.


But, I kind of don't get the rationalization of trying to figure out