7 calls so far today....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
7 calls so far today....
34
Sat, 02-28-2009 - 6:49pm
OMG....well, yesterday at work, AP and I had a talk in the morning. He told me that he had paid or was going to pay another month lease on his place and I asked him why if he was back living with her and he said because he wasn't sure about things. I asked where things stood with her, were they "working" on their marriage and he said no, she knew how he felt and wants him to get his head straightened out. He then told me he wasn't the one that sent me that text message last week about loving his wife more, he hugged me, kissed me...before he left at the end of the day I told him to have a good weekend and he said he would be texting me because "that's all we have"...he texted me last night and said something about "yeah, that went well, should've stayed in the bar, I can't get you out of my heart and head"...then told me he loved me and would text me in the morning. He had to work this morning and would be able to text freely...I sent him one first saying "good morning, thinking of you" and he responded about "thinking of you and all the things" and that was it...well, he told me Wednesday the reason he went back was because "someone" told him that they saw me and my husband out somewhere holding hands and looking all in love, which is a lie, and he began to think I was just trying to break up his marriage for revenge and making him look like a fool...I was like, whatever...that is a lie, you know it's a lie and I've never done anything to make you not trust ME....so, his last text today was that he was thinking of all that and didn't want to be made a fool of ( what a joke) and we needed to talk....K, whatever, here's the other odd thing...I've been receiving calls from "UNAVAILABLE" all day...7 so far, and they never leave a message so I suspect that he must've talked to her last night, just from what he said in his text about "that not going well" ( they were supposed to go out last night to celebrate her and some other relatives birthday) and now she's trying to call me..i don't know who else it would be. I don't feel like talking to her...I've done it before and she doesn't listen to anything I tell her and accuses me of lying about everything....I just wish I knew what he tells her..if he lies and tells her that I won't leave him alone ( he's done that before according to what she told me one time) or if he told her honestly how he felt and now she's pissed....gawd...I know, I brought it on myself by not keeping my mouth shut the other day...but I couldn't help it, damnit, I was tired of him acting like I had no feelings and I was just a piece of crap to kick to the curb with no explanation. Thanks for listening to me, ladies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Mon, 03-02-2009 - 11:50am

gabby you can be his friend if you really want to be...i mean seriously...you can...what i mean by taking control is not letting your thoughts and emotions of him control every aspect of your life...i know you love him a lot but, you really are gonna have to back off a whole bunch because if he's drinking and calling you, that's not healthy for you...he's giving you false hope when he does that and he's said he's gonna leave her but has proven he isn't or that he so confused that he doesn't know what to do..and he's done that by going back and forth with you guys...


yeah he's trying to protect yall by spinning a web of lies, but i dont think lying is the best thing to do..he should be up front and honest with you about everything....i wouldn't lose respect for myself at this point gabby if i were you...i'd lose respect for him, especially for lying to me..and for calling me while he's drunk and him acting a fool....


but you have to find your own way in this girlfriend...just don't allow yourself to get hurt anymore...take control over it and you call the shots..not him...if it were me i'd definately back off some......only because it looks like this is going to be a downward spiral of unfortunate events.....


and the wife calling you, oh my goodness, i wouldn't be able to deal with that....and that would definately take more respect that i had for him away.....my thought would be, "cant you handle your business at home?" but that's just me....


just some things to think about.....i think the general consensus from all of us on this board that have all been in different kinds of affairs, some married and married, some married and single, some in love, some just loving, some Friends with benefits, some not even friends just torrid sex...all say the same thing....go LC or NC and back off a tad, and edited to say when i say tad i really mean a whole lot..you can go limited contact and still back off a lot..meaning don't talk to him as much maybe just talk to him a little bit but, dont' see him at all......this will help you i swear and i

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 03-02-2009 - 12:49pm

Julz...I have to totally disagree


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Mon, 03-02-2009 - 1:05pm
i edited a tad, because i meant it in the sense like, back off a lot....like gabby not seeing him at all but maybe only having once in a while phone contact with him...that will help her a whole bunch....he's just not honest with her about what he's doing and that i don't like..but who am i......

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 03-02-2009 - 2:30pm

Hey Tygerzize :)


Yeh, backing off a whole bunch is a good idea...I have to take out the occasional phone contact though...I've seen how 'initially' even the teeniest weeniest of contact can kick in the addiction and set up that emotional angst


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Mon, 03-02-2009 - 2:41pm
absolutely...it can bring back the angst..especially without any good amount of time spent in between to clear your thoughts feelings and put aside any emotion that might draw you back into the same way of thinking in the affair..if you are gonna stay in it......just don't want her to get hurt....no matter how you spin it...we all get hurt in this....

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Mon, 03-02-2009 - 3:54pm

Clarity, I agree completely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Mon, 03-02-2009 - 7:51pm
No, I know I CANNOT be JUST friends with him...I've loved him too much to settle for that.
Not only that, but I know that's how he wants it so that HE can feel BETTER about things...that way he wouldn't have to feel so guilty for hurting me if we are "friends". No...and yes, I did talk to him today and he's still going on about this person(s) who came up to him again about seeing my H and I together supposedly skipping and holding hands somewhere ( being sarcastic here..ha!) and I got pissed and said, "ya know, you are just twisting this all around and using it to push me away" and as far as I'm concerned, I think he made that bullsh*t up himself so he can buy himself some time...of course, he says that's not what he's doing, but I'm not that stupid ( okay, okay..enough with the snickering..ha!) I really don't think anyone told him anything...but see, he's trying to make himself out to be the "victim" here...he told me he and his wife had a fight Fri night and I asked if that fight had anything to do with 12 caller ID blocked calls to my cellphone on Saturday and he says he knows nothing about it. I said, well, when I asked you Fri if you were back living there because you are working on your marriage, what did you tell me? and he says "I still have my place" and I said, yeah, well, I figured it was your wife calling to tell me a different story. He said he was going to try and look at her phone when she wasn't around and see if it was her. But, his story is that he was all pissed about hearing that about me and now he's just confused and I just need to understand where he's coming from with that. I said, yeah, well, ya know, I've heard a lot of sh*t about you too and I always gave you the benefit of the doubt and not only that, went to HR and stood up for him against someone who was telling lies and trying to get him in trouble....I told him, gee, too bad you couldn't have the same respect for me and believe me when I say I'm not lying....whatever..like I said, it's all just a game for him to be the victim to buy himself time for whatever game he's playing....the more it goes on, the more tired I get. Thanks gals.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Mon, 03-02-2009 - 9:32pm
Those are my thoughts exactly...how is moving back in with her straightening out his head? He needs to be alone...that is why I told him that I would not give up anything in my life until he proved to me he could move out and be divorced before we could be "together" and be a couple. He's burned me too many times before and he said he understood that...didn't like it, but understood. But he 2 days after he moved out, he was begging me to leave my marriage and home NOW to be with him and I told him I couldn't....as much as I wanted to I couldn't...I had to protect myself by maintaining some sense of control in my life...and yes, as deceitful as it was ( living a lie with my husband) this was my way of being in control. He also told me that he did not feel in control being there alone...what it all comes down to, he cannot function without his comfort zone....as unhappy as he is in his marriage, it's a familiar environment where he is in CONTROL, where his THINGS are, where everything is taken care of and he has someone who is going to do anything she can to appease him so he doesn't leave. It's too much work to face the conflict of ending a marriage and fighting over assets, it's too painful for him to give up half his 401k, it's too hard to give up half of his STUFF.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Tue, 03-03-2009 - 1:34pm

Gabby,

***tough love alert***

All these people here are trying and taking valuable time to give you good advice. I don't think you heard any of it. WE DON'T CARE TO KNOW ALL THE EXCUSES HE'S GEVING YOU AND THE EXCUSES YOU'RE MAKING UP IN YOUR HEAD TO KEEP YOURSELF AND HIM IN THIS SICK PLACE!!!

Your life settled down and you were in peace (not driving us here crazy with this drama with all these stupid posts) when you went NC for 3-months with this clown. Please reread all your posts and the people's responses and really take the time to let it sink in.

It's time to wake up and smell the coffee. Only you can get yourself out of this sick roller-coaster. Stop making it all about you and bozo and finally see the pain in all the innocent bystanders you're both hurting (i.e., your H, his W, kid and grandkid).

Please don't waste time in responding. It's all just blah, blah, blah, to me without productive result. As I've said in another post, you telling us what you think we want to hear does you no good unless you follow through and make it happen in your life.

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"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."


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Registered: 11-29-2006
Tue, 03-03-2009 - 4:16pm

Hi everyone, please

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