75 per cent

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2007
75 per cent
2
Sat, 05-02-2009 - 9:31pm

I recently read that 75 percent of all marriages that began as A's end in divorce.

Sobering...considering that my AP & I think we might marry if circumstances would permit. We are older lovers & the thought has crossed our minds that we might be widowed someday, and thus possibly together. Neither of us would D though -- and we both know that we may never be together, that is fine too (AP is not M, but in a LTR & might as well be M...)

However, that 75 percent certainly is valid -- AP's current R began as an A, and they are not M, nor ever will be for various reasons. So of course I would be hesitant if we could be together since he is a obvious testament to the 75 per cent rule.

Anyone else think that their A might be the exception to that rule if they were to M?? I wonder why the rate of divorce is so high? Any theories??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2009
In reply to: zerofuture
Sun, 05-03-2009 - 1:38am

Hmmm...Lots of theories. Like if the A was mainly about the Physical. I know lots of women (I count myself too, at one time) can have a hard time seperating sex & love as easily as men do. Also if the marriage was based on an ideal of the other person-esp. as an AP-then that person appears different as a W or H-that could be disillusioning.-
Ok-so that's why I think the high divorce rate for M's that develop after an A...which seems to be rare event anyways. BUT -other M's that come about from traditional R's STILL end up in divorce 50% of the time! So add the fantasy of A-land & a 25% increase doesn't seem like a huge jump.

My personal experience: I'm 41 -my AP is 51. I'm in my 2nd M & he is in his 3rd (his 2nd wife died young). We are in Love with each other. Even in a "perfect world", where we could be in a traditional R, I don't think I would be looking to marry him right away. I think I would need to fully adjust to the new role of "GF" & he "BF"-out in the "REAL WORLD". Although we feel we know each other pretty well (very well, actually)-it would still be a step out of A-Land. I would be requiring our R to deal more heavily with the mundane things of life and a relationship & so would he. Not sure how we would handle those other situations. Although I am sure if our love is as strong as we believe it is, we could over come any doubts over time.

All that being said, I love my AP enough to HOPE that if we ever completed our work toward being with each other, that it would be a strong, & "rest-of-our-lives" type of bond...with or without a legal marriage.

Just my thoughts....

Starsong

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2007
In reply to: zerofuture
Sun, 05-03-2009 - 11:06am

Hi Goddess S:

Yes, I feel that our A is immune from much of the events that define a real R -- the everyday & routine that would enter into our dreamworld would certainly change things. And while I often dream about having a home w AP, I also know I had the dream once before, in my first M -- and I discovered that my picket fenced, ivy covered cottage vision did not fit in with the shabby brick & asphalt apt building in which we had to reside. Or my xH's habits, that were irritating once I was exposed to them all the time & I saw their effect on my life. Or mine, as they attempted to mesh with his -- it was not pretty.

I do not doubt that our lovely amour would detoriate once exposed to the harsh light of day. Yes, even non-A M's have a poor record of success. Thanks for your input...