Advice based on a general observation...
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| Fri, 04-30-2004 - 5:30pm |
I have read so much on here as to why didn’t he call? Why didn’t he email? Why aren’t these men chasing us? Why? Because most likely these men they know they have you, and they know they have you right where they want you. Think about it…if you spill your guts as to how you feel about him, or call, or email consistently, well, the man KNOWS how you feel, and most likely knows already what your reactions will be to his actions…of course he is going to back off and slow down; he no longer has to WORK at keeping that hold on you…I’m not saying that these men are necessarily “jerks,” I think it’s just in a man’s (or that masculine) nature to behave in this manner (especially when a relationship is not all that serious, and let’s face it, affair relationships can only be so serious…hmmm?)
Just something to think about…I think this can be applied to all relationships, not just affair relationships. Also, one thing I have learned to be true of many of the men from my past (including the man am I with currently)…most men LOVE and WANT a confident and assured woman. If you don’t allow him to treat you like a doormat…HE WON'T!!! Also, it’s not about appearing as if you are confident; it’s about truly BEING confident in who you are, what you want, and what you DESERVE from a relationship (and let's face it, I think everyone here knows that deep down we all deserve more than a part-time relationship, i.e., an affair, but I'm not here to judge...contrary to the beliefs of some here, I would just like to offer an opinion and advice from time to time if I may). So, just an opinion. Have a good weekend...

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And I completely agree with your second paragraph. Women should believe in themselves and what they have to offer. I see way too many women (and men for that matter) who beat themselves up and don't realize what great people they are. I think self-esteem problems are the primary cause of many relationship failures and I would love to see people stop letting others control their opinions of themselves.
Just for the record, mayer, I personally welcome you here and I think posts like this add a lot to the dialogue on the board. I know you and I had some differences in the past, but I don't have any negative feelings from it. Glad to see you offer this opinion.
Totally agreed. Women need to stand up for their rights. No question about it.
PG
I don't like to play games but none-the-less I play hard to get - hard to sometimes get ahold of - I make it sometimes questionable if I will be able to be reached on a particular day or time when he is available - mostly because I like to leave him
wanting more -
I just like to give enough so he knows he's loved, appreciated, needed, wanted, desired, sexy and everything else under the sun - but not so much so that he walks away with his head floating in the clouds and away from me -
My MM is the same way with me - he has explained it as "I keep it so you are just on the edge of feeling like you have enough of me - yet knowing I am leaving you wanting me more ...."
I am a pretty hard case to crack - been called the " man " of my relationships because I
don't soften emotionally - yet when it matters most I feel I do and I think these men you are talking about are capable of the same
great post topic
K
I just wanted to share a few thoughts about this thread.
First, it is a great topic! I agree completely that self esteem plays a huge part in any good relationship. I am in control of myself and my actions. I can't control, nor would I truthfully want to control, MM. If there is a choice between acting and reacting, I know which I would prefer.
What you've described, the little bit of elusiveness, is something I learned from my mother. I've mulled it from time to time. There is a fine line between holding your counsel, or perhaps simply holding on to yourself as a complete human being and the despised and misused "game playing." MM and I love each other. Yet part of what he loves about me, and what I love about him, is that we are each independent, strong individuals. He doesn't own me. I don't own him. But together, we become something stronger, something better, something _more_.
That doesn't mean that we don't need each other. That doesn't mean that we are always completely focused on each other, or that we are focused on each other at the same time. It simply means that I treat him with the respect that I expect. If there's a problem, we discuss it. He's honest with me, although if he suspects that honesty would hurt, he tends to avoid an issue so I don't get hurt. I know him well enough to know what his silence means. If I need to take things further, I do. Then he'll open up and again, he'll be honest. Sometimes it does hurt. Sometimes, simply acknowledging the feelings brings us closer together.
I guess I'm rambling a bit tonight, but I just wanted you to know that I believe that the more self realized two people in love are as individuals, the stronger and more fulfilling the relationship becomes. Whining and clinging turns people off. Manipulating may work in the short run, but does nothing to truly deepen the relationship and ultimately hurts it by demeaning the other person as an object. I don't have to have MM. Separation hurts, but I lived forty three years without him, and I am confident that I can live without him, now. The point is that we choose to share our lives. And that choice is empowering and fulfilling, without being draining or hurtful.
IMHO. ::grins::
Cazrida
IBC
I was taught by my mother, and have found to be true, "men are the hunters, it's buried way back in their lizard brain. Let them chase you, show interest yes, but ultimately let them (at least think) they are chasing you." I have found this always to be true. It's not playing hard to get, per say, but simply not appearing desperate and needy. I have not chased my MM, but have let him know I am very interested in him on all levels. I have given him plenty of space, especially at the beginning since I wanted to know he had the same level of interest as I have. To my joy, he has been very attentive. Also, he has described his wife as clingy and overly emotional. I have seen this first hand when we go out for lunch, and she will call a minimum of three times during an hour lunch. Good Lord! He can't even eat a meal in peace. When he is very busy at work, I don't question for how long or tell him when to call me, but simply say, "Hope you have a smooth and progressive time with this new project, and look forward to when we can meet for coffee or lunch again." Then let him do his work, and let him contact me when he has a free moment or the project is completed. Lo and behold, he will email me every day, and by the third day will ask if I can meet him for lunch or just a cup of coffee." I do this for two reasons, 1) "what mama said and 2) I don't want to be "her", the nagging W. My nickname is based on something he said to me once when the W was on his back for not doing enough at home (she is a SAHM and expects him to work full time and share the cleaning, laundry, and cooking), it was also a rough week at work and he seemed stretched to the limit so I suggested instead of meeting at a restaurant for lunch, he needed a break so I would pack a lunch for us and meet in a park with a large lake. He turned to me, kissed my hand and said, "you are like a sweet summer breeze. Cool and refreshing, always lifting my spirits." I give him what he needs emotionally (things are not physical yet) which is peace and freedom. I listen, and don't judge or critisize and let him be who he IS rather than who I want him to be. And in my eyes, he is perfect just as he is.
And I am confident and strong, even with the miserable marriage I have had. He has said many times how he "adore" my strength and inner peace. It's something he claims to find "very sexy". He asked me how I see or would like to see this relationship go in the future. I told him I would love for this to be a very long term union, where we are friends as well as lovers, but I will be taking this one day at a time, because one day, it will end. It's something that makes me sad, but it's true. One that we all need to remind ourselves of from time to time.
I agree, that we all deserve something more than a part-time relationship. Each of us are in these A's for different reasons. Mine as you may or may not remember is I'm staying until my teenage children leave for college. I don't see myself ending up with my MM for many reasons, but for now, he is a calm island in my stormy married life. For that reason, I feel I have been blessed.
Wow! Well this posted turned out longer then expected.
Just some of my thoughts. :-)
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Signed- weak, but getting stronger...
v.
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