advice, to help my AP

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
advice, to help my AP
6
Mon, 11-10-2008 - 9:33pm
i am at work, i see my AP drive past my job, he said he went to CC. i got anxious, i wanted him to stop and say hi. a couple of hours go by, i get a page for a call. AP is across the street and he wants to treat me to dinner. so i meet him for dinner. we start to talk he's very upset.when he's upset he always pushed me away except for today. he proceeds to tell me how him and his wife have started therapy, she's been in therapy for 3 months for anger issues, but wanted AP to start to go.he says it's not helping. he needs a car, she wont help him get a car unless he agrees to her terms. she wants him to go to the school of her choice and what she wants him to go for, or no help with the car.she has a job making big bucks. she said he could sell his sports car, or get out of the house. we talked some more, and i found our today is his anniversary. he bought her a card and 2 dozen red roses. when he gave them to her, he said she threw them back at him and said any one can get her flowers. he said he was so hurt. hte fights have become violent. he says he wants to leave and go home to his family for a while. i said would you really leave your boys, he said for a while. he said if it wasn't for his boys he would've left a long time ago. i said if you knew your marriage wasrocky why did you have a second child, he thought it would help.then i said you are sitting here on your anniversary with me, i said you should be having a candle light dinner, prime rib with your wife. he said it means nothing, she doesn't care. my heart hurt for him tonight. i'm so worried about his mental state of health. he's never come to me like this, i wanted to cry. we took a drive and talked some more. i had tears in my eyes, the pain i felt for him. then when i dropped him off to his car, he sat there for a while when i drove away, i think he called his wife. i parked my car at work, i walked inside and seen him drive past. i feel honored that he feels he can confide in me like this, that he needs me, but i hurt because i want to help him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Tue, 11-11-2008 - 8:39pm
i was wondering if anyone had any advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2008
Tue, 11-11-2008 - 8:58pm

Tori, I feel your pain, but you cannot get into the middle of their relationship, no matter what. All you can do is be there for him, let him know you support his decisions and listen. Don't be tempted to offer advice, it's likely to come back and bite you. Any advice you may give could be mistaken by him as pressure. He has to work out what he wants in his own time. Just let him know that you are a safe place for him to come and talk things through.

Hugs to you.

Pisces


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pisces
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Tue, 11-11-2008 - 9:34pm
As much as I love my ap, what I found so sad and hurt my heart was him sitting and spending time with me on what should be considered one of the most special day in his life. He shouldve been home with his wife. He was so hurt and upset, he ran off from home. It hurt my heart to see him like this. Its getting worse. Now they are both in therepy, I hope some comfort comes to him. He deserves happiness in his life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 8:21am

Let them work out their own marriage. The fact is, you know nothing about it other than what he tells you. At best it is only half the story, you have no idea if he is telling the truth or just trying to get your sympathy. I mean, really, he's "hurt" that she didn't jump up and down over his flowers? Is he kidding? Whether she knows it or not he's been cheating on her with you for 18 months! And I'm willing to bet she knows more or at least suspects something. Didn't she show up where he worked and you were there once? I'm no saint, but I at least had the decency to not whine for sympathy while I cheated. I'm willing to bet a whole lot of money that being that he has no job, he's more pissed than "hurt" that she holds all the cards.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 9:45am

dont believe all he says.you are not that fly on the wall ! have you seen them how they interact with eachother? have you seen them when they go grocery shopping together? it very well might not be their aniversary ! Most MM will say it all to get into your pants and sympathy card is the best and easiest way.

why not just enjoy the great time you have with him than over-analyze what he says which very well might be not all true! obviously,you cant know the whole story.very well he could be the wrong one in the M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 12:01pm
First off he wasn't looking for sympathy at all, he wanted his wife to ackowledge the thought that went behind him getting her 2 dozen roses. He was hurting and this is why he was with me and not home with his wife.when you say his wife holds all the cards, right now she does, he says there is resentment right now, hopefully it will change for him. He didn't come right out and tell me something was wrong, I seen his pain and had to make him talk.he didn't want to burden me with his problems. He wasn't looking for sympathy from me. He wants a female to care about him.