Advice Needed!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2009
Advice Needed!
5
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 4:53pm

I'm not married and neither is my OM so maybe I'm on the wrong board but I just thought that I could get some good advice here.

Backstory:

OM and I have known each other for 12 years now. We're not together and never really have been together because it's been a never the right time/place type of a situation. One or the other of us has been in a relationship when the other was single. We lost touch for about 6 years but he's always in the back of my mind never far away from my thoughts. He reached out to me about 8 months ago and now we're both in relationships so it's like we're on even ground/footing. Up until 4 months ago We were texting and e-mailing all day and talking on the phone about once a week. We talked about meeting but never did. I have had NC with him since the first of year but lately have been wanting to get back in touch. The reason that I decided to stop contact with him was because I felt like I was starting to expect to much and put too much effort and thoughts into it.

I've been with my current boyfriend for 5 years and we bought a house together about 2 years ago. We talk about getting married but are in no rush to do so. OM has been with his girlfriend for about 7 years and she has 2 kids from a previous relationship.

I started to feel like I'd leave my R if he would leave his. He said that he'd never leave his, he's the happiest he's ever been, and they are depending on him too much for him to consider leaving.

I've seen those reasons alot on this board and just wonder what they mean? If he's so happy why does he not leave me alone? Those are not his kids so why does he feel so obligated to them? I feel like we just have this strong connection that will never go away and just don't know how to handle it. I can live without him in my life but I just find life more fun and exciting with him in it. He feels the same way yet he won't leave and I just don't really understand why?

Thoughts?




Edited 5/21/2009 4:55 pm ET by losinit42380
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 5:21pm

I don't understand. Is he still contacting you, or did everything stop when you broke it off in January? If it's been all no-contact, then leave well enough alone.

If he's been with his gf for 7 years, he's seen her kids growing up. He may not be their dad, but don't you think he feels some sort of obligation to them, maybe even is a father figure to them? What would he do to them if he left? How would they feel? A connection that's based on fun and excitement is great, but do you think someone should leave the people who he says depend on him for the fun and excitement of someone he hasn't even spent in-person time with?

I don't think I'd want to be with anyone who could blithely walk away from people who depend on him. Neither my AP nor I would leave our families, who've done nothing to deserve being emotionally abandoned. Being in an A is selfish enough without ruining other people's lives.

I had an A many years ago before I married DH. I still think about the guy at least a couple of times a week, just because there was history and things remind me of him. It doesn't mean anything. It wasn't right, and we moved on. End of story.

Maybe you should be thinking about what is missing in your life and/or relationship that makes you crave the fun and excitement you had during the few months you were texting and talking to this person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 5:24pm
He won't leave because as he said he is happy with what he has at home. A nice and comfortable nest. And, if he can have you on the side, then he has it good in both worlds. If you're game on being just a "booty-call" when he's SO is not available or not in the mood, then this could be an ideal situation for the two of you. As long as you know and understands that you may be dropped like a hot potato "if" or "when" the SO gets a "whiff" of you.
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"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2009
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 5:48pm

It's been all NC since January.

We have spent some in person time together but it's been just a handful of times in the 12 years we've known each other. However we just keep popping into each other's lives every few years and I just yearn to know what it would be like to finally have him in every aspect. Not just for sex either, I want to be the one who has his full undivided attention.

He says that he's the happiest that he's ever been but when you hear someone say that when they got home the other night they just kept driving and went to the bar instead of going inside to face the gf and her kids you've got to wonder about the happiness that's really there. It makes me feel like he's only with her because he feels an obligation to be with her out of respect for not hurting her kids. Yet then he turns around and says that he's the happiest he's ever been. How can that be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 6:03pm

I would say "ask HIM" because I'm a big believer in being straightforward and not playing "what if" games. (Besides, how would any of us know what makes someone happy? If he lived a miserable life, maybe he IS as happy as he's ever been.)

However, you told him "no contact," and he hasn't contacted you, which should tell you something. You may want his undivided attention, but he doesn't seem to want yours. Maybe he's working on his relationship. Maybe he's found someone to distract him nearby. Who knows?

Let it be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2009
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 6:12pm

He could've found someone to distract him nearby but I doubt it. He told me that the only person he would consider cheating on his gf with is me. He said that women try to flirt with him all the time and he doesn't entertain their advances at all but with me it's different.

I'm sure guys say that all the time though so I shouldn't feel special right?

However, i feel the same way. I'm not actively looking to cheat on my boyfriend and wouldn't with anyone else but OM.

Is this a unique situation or not really?