Advice for the Other Woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Advice for the Other Woman
15
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 1:33pm
I have some advice for any woman having an affair with a married man - - "You are his next victim".

I met the man of my dreams, we were so in love, couldn't bare to be apart, we were soul mates, we were each others best friend, he gave me wonderful gifts, he wrote me passionate love letters, he called me all the time, he couldn't wait to marry me. In actuality I was so stupid, desperate, insecure, young and I believed everything he said about his wife and that his marriage was a mistake. I really thought that our situation was different, and he was different from all the other men that had done these things. I thought this so much that I totally trusted him. I thought that if anyone could recognize when someone was having an affair it would be me (after all - - I was the other woman).

Ladies, this is what happens when you have an affair with a married man:

We were married for 15 years. Up until the day he walked out he treated me good, buying me expensive items, telling me he loved me every day, many times a day, I thought we were happy. How could I possibly believe he was having affairs? Guess what, hind sight IS 20/20 I now remember him telling his wife on the phone that he loved her!!!

Somewhere in all of this "happiness" he started verbally abusing me and tearing me down. I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't skinny enough, I wasn't making enough money, I couldn't do anything right. I guess he did this to justify the affairs in his mind. Believe me - verbal abuse is really tough to get over and the after effects of it last a long time. The manipulation he put me through and unbelievable amount of stress I am going through now is enormous.

I didn't know (or didn't want to know) that he was having serious affairs on me for years. Later I found out he bought one of his affairs a car and bought her 17 year old daughter a car, all the while he is bitching at our daughter when she asks for anything and insisting that I keep finding a better paying job.

I sometimes feel I have nothing left to lose - - he walked away from everything, our daughter, our home, the bills. He walked away to be with an employee of OUR company. He and the GF formed another corporation in her name and are transferring the assets to that one and are going to let my company go bankrupt. The company attorney is in up to his eye balls in this. We cashed in my 401K to start the business. Against court orders he cancelled all of our heath insurance, life insurance and refuses to pay child support. My house is in conservatorship and will be auctioned off. My credit is beyond repair. I lost my job and surviving on unemployment is impossible.

I am dealing with enormous guilt over his first wife, he walked out on her right after she had their baby and wouldn't pay child support. What the hell was I thinking? A man that could do that to another human being was a man I wanted in MY life? How in the hell did I justify this in my mind? I must have been insane. What is my husbands latest GF thinking? A man that could leave his wife and daughter destitute is a man she wants in her life. I sometimes feel the first wife was the lucky one since she only spent 3 years with him. I feel I deserve what is happening to me.

But I'm not the only victim when you are dealing with scum like this: Girlfriend #1 of many, a stripper - - demanded 3000 dollars from him or else she was going to tell me about their affair (I don't know if he paid her, she never called me). Girlfriend #2 of many, a waitress - - believed him when he said he would never leave me for her but came close to killing herself when he left her and me for another girlfriend. Girlfriends 3 through ???? all of the secretaries, co-workers and business associates that he slept with had to meet me face-to-face at all of the social gatherings. Imagine how they felt, I am very sociable and friendly and would tell all of these woman how wonderful my husband was and how happy we were. Why didn't I notice how quiet they would get? If you are the other woman, you know what this sinking feeling is like. And what about the children of these girlfriends, they met this man and got to know him. The last two girlfriends have daughters, are they going to think this is okay - are they destined for the same fate as their mothers?

Someone could have sat me down and screamed at me that this was going to happen to me and I still would have believed that I was different, he was different, and that my situation was different. He loves me, we are soul mates, he wants to marry me, we can't live without each other and that his wife is totally at fault for all of their problems.

Mothers never let your daughters believe they don't deserve respect. Talk to them about desperate and insecure feelings and what it can make a woman do. Any person that doesn't handle each and every relationship the right and mature way isn't a person you want to be with. Observe and scrutinize past behavior with relationships because it will be your future.

I can't believe it took something like this for me to realize how I deserve to be treated and the qualities I will insist on in my next relationship. I wish all women would learn from my mistake, if you feel insecure and desperate that isn't right, it is unhealthy, get counseling, figure out the problem. Don't be 40 years old and feel like you have nothing left to lose. Listen to your friends and family, they love you. They aren't giving you advice to be mean to you, they are more experienced, they've seen what bad choices can do to a person and above all don't believe that you and your relationship are different/special. Don't believe this married man loves only you, that you are soul mates, can't live apart and that his wife is mean, fat, ugly - - what ever. When you start justifying things in your mind that you know are wrong, take it as a huge warning sign. If you can't show your relationship to the whole world than it is unhealthy, get out of it, you deserve better.

Given my husbands history of affairs, leaving two families without a care in the world, and making all of these women feel like they are at fault - - - - - what do you think this latest girlfriend is in for? My only consoling thought in all of this is the fact that she really is his soul mate and has the same morals, she fooled around and left her faithful husband to be with my husband - - so I can only hope he will get a taste of his own medicine.

If reading this post stops even one woman from having an affair with a married man - - it will all be worth it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 2:24pm
Sounds like you've been put through the wringer. You're going through a horrible time and I'm very sorry for it. I do hope that things start getting better for you soon.

But I, too, have something I'd like to say on the subject: Affairs are, in most marriages, wrong. Unless there is an agreement to have an open marriage, I think it's fair to say that affairs break vows and commitments made on the wedding day. That said, I have

ADVICE FOR THE BETRAYED SPOUSE:

Affairs almost never happen in a vacuum. Rarely is there ever an affair intruding on a marriage where there is love, passion, commitment, honesty, and communication. Generally a few of these key ingredients are missing in a marriage before affairs happen. There may be other, more constructive ways, to address these things, but affairs happen and they don't happen in good, happy marriages.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I don't mean this to Pets, personally, by th way. I'm talking to all the BS's who lurk on our board each day. Yes, there is something morally weak about a person who willingly and knowingly breaks their marriage vows. I've broken mine, so I'm talking about myself, too. I don't lose sleep over it, but it's the truth. But there is also something wrong with the spouse and marriage, as well, for it to have happened. The old, crude saying really is true, if the bs were taking care of business they (OM/OW) would be out of business.

Again, Pets, I am very sorry for your troubles. It sounds as though he's hurt you pretty badly. I hope you are able to move on and use this angst to strengthen yourself. Good luck in all you do.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 3:45pm
Thanks lucky for your thoughts and support. I remember exactly how I justified what I was doing 15 years ago. Maybe these justifications will hit a cord in a woman who is having an affair with a married man right now:

1. It's not my marriage, it's his and it's up to him to keep it sacred.

2. His wife doesn't understand him.

3. His marriage was a big mistake.

4. The poor guy how can he stand living with her.

5. I thought I did the right thing, I sent him back to work on his marriage and he came back to me. Therefore, this isn't my fault.

6. No one is ever going to love and adore me as much as this man does.

7. When it first started - - this is cool, I get all the fun stuff while she does all the laundry and taking care of him.

8. Why can't all of his friends and family just support him, now that he has found true love. Don't they want him to be happy?

9. This is a true gem: I have at least one morale, I don't sleep with married men who's wives I've met.

10. How often does the perfect man come into your life, I need to grab this while I can.

11. I'm not causing all the hurt and pain, he is.

12. If she would have kept him happy at home, none of this would have happened.

What I should have been thinking:

1. No! I don't want someone in my life that could ever do these things to another human being.

2. What, you aren't mature/man enough to get out of a relationship the right way before you start fooling around?

3. Any man that does this to his wife will surely do it to me.

4. I deserve honesty and respect.

5. I will have strong morals and live by them.

6. No one will treat me better than I treat myself.

7. I am a strong woman and deserve a strong relationship.

8. Any woman that sleeps with a married man has some serious insecure issues.

9. Any man that has affairs on his wife has some serious psychological problems.

10. My actions reflect on my family, my family deserves the best from me and not shame.

11. I will live my life as a positive example for my children.

12. I am pretty, I am good, I am honest, I am worthy of a terrific relationship.

15 years ago I was so insecure when I started this affair and became desperate to keep him during the affair.

15 years later I knew there were problems in my marriage, but he wasn't willing to work on them, and I still stayed in the marriage. I was zombie girl and thought to myself, hey I've got a roof over my head, I am financially okay, I'll just stay where I'm at and ignore the bad stuff. Once again in my life I have to ask, what the hell was I thinking?

Hind sight - I wish I would have been strong enough to know I deserved better and gotten out of my marriage before it got as bad as it did. Nothing would have built up my self-esteem as much as setting that goal to get out because I knew I deserved better and then getting out.

You see I've matured quite a bit from 15 years ago. And matured quite a bit more going through this divorce.

I know that not every man or woman who has affairs is psychologically damaged, my husband was seriously psychologically damaged because he couldn't be alone, he went from Mom and Dad - -to woman - - to woman - - to woman.

However, the person who is unhappily married and does everything in their power to fix the marriage to no avail should get out of it without involving any other people. Sure right now this is easy for me to say. But you have to be a strong person, feel you deserve better and have patience.

I didn't involve any other people in my unhappy marriage, believe me I had opportunity and I thought about it, but what kept me from doing it wasn't how I would hurt my husband or because I deserved happiness, it was how it would make me feel about myself. Where I got this little bit of self-respect during all of these years, I don't know.

Each fantasy I had about another man while I was married always started out with me being free to pursue a relationship. Always the fantasy would pop like a soap bubble - turn into reality that I wasn't free to pursue a relationship, I would be hiding, sneaking, and hurting. And then the horror of the example I would set for my daughter, the shame I would put on my family and the knowlege that I had so little self-esteem as to do this to myself - - was more than I could bear.

So you see, affairs aren't about problems in a marriage or being unhappy in your marriage, not at all. Affairs are about self-image, self-esteem, and self-respect. If I would have had these three positives in my life I never would have had an affair and ended up staying in a horrible marriage. It wasn't his wifes fault that he had an affair, it wasn't problems in their marriage, it wasn't because she did or didn't like having sex. It all had to do with the way he felt about himself. If he would have had positive self-image, self-esteem, and self-respect, he would have gotten out of the "bad" marriage the right way and went onto a healthy relationship. If I would have had these three positives, I never would have looked at him twice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 4:26pm
Pets, I'm really sorry for the hurt you're going through right now...

BUT!

This is a SUPPORT BOARD for those of us that ARE involved in an affair right now...

And you, as the scorned, betrayed wife belong on the scorned betrayed wife board...

Go pull your life together for your daughter's sake, don't come on here and tell us what we should or should not think or do because your life is in tatters..





iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 5:09pm
Gee Thanks! You could have just ignored my post but you didn't. You sound angry and I can only assume I struck a nerve with you. I would have reacted the same way when I was trying to justify my affair with a married man 15 years ago.

I am giving support to those having affairs because I've been there -- done that. I am a result of what happens when you have an affair. You are right - my life is in tatters because I had low self-esteem and zero self-respect. Which led me to having an affair. Do you think for one minute I don't understand and sympathize with all of those women that slept with my husband? I was one of those women!!! Surely there is someone out there, other than you, that would like to hear the opinion of a woman who had an affair and then was cheated on. I'm sorry that you read my post as a "telling you what you should do or how to think". That certainly wasn't my intention. Giving a person support for their affair can have two sides; "all for it go getum girlfriend" and "be cautious, be careful and look what can happen". I'm sorry that my side of it made you feel bad. Good luck and I wish you the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 5:22pm
Pets,

I totally agree with you that the OW/OM (specially the ones involved in affairs with married people) suffer from severe self esteeem issues since the affair and the attention and the competition (with the spouse) gives their suffering egos and self-esteem a big boost.

I also agree with you that what you are trying to tell the OW is a form of support. When teenagers go to a hotline that is supporting people who are taking drugs or are suicical, it doesn't mean that the hotline will tell them to go ahead, commit suicide or take drugs.

A better meaning for the word "support" is that yes you won't be condemned here but will be advised proper ways to deal with your thoughts.

Thanks for sharing your experience here.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 5:47pm
Thanks for the sincere and honest advice based on your experiences. I see that you are only trying to help. I think many here will appreciate and ponder what you have written even though most will not directly respond. Good luck...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 7:11pm
Pet, I'm sorry but it didn't come off that way...

Yes, it made me angry...and that's why I replied...

You basically pigeonholed any affair into the same category that you were in...and that's not fair...

What happened to you does NOT happen to everyone...

Not everyone goes into an affair with low self-esteem and zero self-respect...

I'm sorry if that's why you felt you got into yours...

Anyway...I wish you luck...

~Laurie~






iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 9:42pm
My sentiments exactly. What pets and PG both have done on this board in recent days is take their situations and try to apply them across the board to everyone on here. I've got news for you ladies...you are not the center of the universe. While your experiences hold value for those in similar situations, under no circumstances should you profess to know how "all" affairs end or that "all" OW or OM have severely low self-esteem. Because that is absolutely false. Although I personally believe 99% of people have low self-esteem to begin with. Again, if you want to come here to share your situation and offer warnings or advice, please do so. But if you try to pigeonhole everyone and talk down to them, rest assured you'll get some angry responses. I am so sorry for all the hurt you've gone through. But not every MM who cheats is verbally abusive and many men who don't cheat are. I, for one, would never say anything bad to people I dislike, let alone someone I love. Good luck in picking up the pieces of your life and I hope you can find true happiness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 9:59pm
Good words, Omaha... and before we circle the wagons, lets remember that each of us have situations that have both commonality and individuality - just as each of us are completely unique beings with our own warts and failings and successes. We know we can (or are) causing someone else pain, just as someone can (or has) caused us pain. We're just all trying to get by in this life the best way we know how.

Having said that, Pets, you need to quit beating yourself up. Do you mean that self-deprecation or is it just lip service? You must know that what he's done is wrong, and that if it hadn't been you it would have been someone else. It sounds to me like the self-esteem problem belongs to him. Why else would he validate himself by contintually seeking a new someone to impress? He's obviously a serial-cheater.

Listen, I'm so sorry you're feeling broken. I've been in your shoes and they do pinch and bind. You're feeling stupid and betrayed and unworthy. But what you did happened a long time ago. Guilt is meaningless at this point. Time now to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and find support from others struggling through the same issues. Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 1:09am
"Giving a person support for their affair can have two sides; "all for it go getum girlfriend" and "be cautious, be careful and look what can happen"."

The latter opinion is not considered a viable opinion here since everybody thinks that their situation is unique and would rather choose to ignore the commonalities or symptoms.

PG

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