Advice for the Other Woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Advice for the Other Woman
15
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 1:33pm
I have some advice for any woman having an affair with a married man - - "You are his next victim".

I met the man of my dreams, we were so in love, couldn't bare to be apart, we were soul mates, we were each others best friend, he gave me wonderful gifts, he wrote me passionate love letters, he called me all the time, he couldn't wait to marry me. In actuality I was so stupid, desperate, insecure, young and I believed everything he said about his wife and that his marriage was a mistake. I really thought that our situation was different, and he was different from all the other men that had done these things. I thought this so much that I totally trusted him. I thought that if anyone could recognize when someone was having an affair it would be me (after all - - I was the other woman).

Ladies, this is what happens when you have an affair with a married man:

We were married for 15 years. Up until the day he walked out he treated me good, buying me expensive items, telling me he loved me every day, many times a day, I thought we were happy. How could I possibly believe he was having affairs? Guess what, hind sight IS 20/20 I now remember him telling his wife on the phone that he loved her!!!

Somewhere in all of this "happiness" he started verbally abusing me and tearing me down. I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't skinny enough, I wasn't making enough money, I couldn't do anything right. I guess he did this to justify the affairs in his mind. Believe me - verbal abuse is really tough to get over and the after effects of it last a long time. The manipulation he put me through and unbelievable amount of stress I am going through now is enormous.

I didn't know (or didn't want to know) that he was having serious affairs on me for years. Later I found out he bought one of his affairs a car and bought her 17 year old daughter a car, all the while he is bitching at our daughter when she asks for anything and insisting that I keep finding a better paying job.

I sometimes feel I have nothing left to lose - - he walked away from everything, our daughter, our home, the bills. He walked away to be with an employee of OUR company. He and the GF formed another corporation in her name and are transferring the assets to that one and are going to let my company go bankrupt. The company attorney is in up to his eye balls in this. We cashed in my 401K to start the business. Against court orders he cancelled all of our heath insurance, life insurance and refuses to pay child support. My house is in conservatorship and will be auctioned off. My credit is beyond repair. I lost my job and surviving on unemployment is impossible.

I am dealing with enormous guilt over his first wife, he walked out on her right after she had their baby and wouldn't pay child support. What the hell was I thinking? A man that could do that to another human being was a man I wanted in MY life? How in the hell did I justify this in my mind? I must have been insane. What is my husbands latest GF thinking? A man that could leave his wife and daughter destitute is a man she wants in her life. I sometimes feel the first wife was the lucky one since she only spent 3 years with him. I feel I deserve what is happening to me.

But I'm not the only victim when you are dealing with scum like this: Girlfriend #1 of many, a stripper - - demanded 3000 dollars from him or else she was going to tell me about their affair (I don't know if he paid her, she never called me). Girlfriend #2 of many, a waitress - - believed him when he said he would never leave me for her but came close to killing herself when he left her and me for another girlfriend. Girlfriends 3 through ???? all of the secretaries, co-workers and business associates that he slept with had to meet me face-to-face at all of the social gatherings. Imagine how they felt, I am very sociable and friendly and would tell all of these woman how wonderful my husband was and how happy we were. Why didn't I notice how quiet they would get? If you are the other woman, you know what this sinking feeling is like. And what about the children of these girlfriends, they met this man and got to know him. The last two girlfriends have daughters, are they going to think this is okay - are they destined for the same fate as their mothers?

Someone could have sat me down and screamed at me that this was going to happen to me and I still would have believed that I was different, he was different, and that my situation was different. He loves me, we are soul mates, he wants to marry me, we can't live without each other and that his wife is totally at fault for all of their problems.

Mothers never let your daughters believe they don't deserve respect. Talk to them about desperate and insecure feelings and what it can make a woman do. Any person that doesn't handle each and every relationship the right and mature way isn't a person you want to be with. Observe and scrutinize past behavior with relationships because it will be your future.

I can't believe it took something like this for me to realize how I deserve to be treated and the qualities I will insist on in my next relationship. I wish all women would learn from my mistake, if you feel insecure and desperate that isn't right, it is unhealthy, get counseling, figure out the problem. Don't be 40 years old and feel like you have nothing left to lose. Listen to your friends and family, they love you. They aren't giving you advice to be mean to you, they are more experienced, they've seen what bad choices can do to a person and above all don't believe that you and your relationship are different/special. Don't believe this married man loves only you, that you are soul mates, can't live apart and that his wife is mean, fat, ugly - - what ever. When you start justifying things in your mind that you know are wrong, take it as a huge warning sign. If you can't show your relationship to the whole world than it is unhealthy, get out of it, you deserve better.

Given my husbands history of affairs, leaving two families without a care in the world, and making all of these women feel like they are at fault - - - - - what do you think this latest girlfriend is in for? My only consoling thought in all of this is the fact that she really is his soul mate and has the same morals, she fooled around and left her faithful husband to be with my husband - - so I can only hope he will get a taste of his own medicine.

If reading this post stops even one woman from having an affair with a married man - - it will all be worth it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 1:17am
I feel for you. I hope you are able to pull yourself together and get back your self esteem. I almost got caught up in an affair a few years ago, but after seeing how this married man was after everything else in sight, i realized it wasn't best for me. There are some men who truly aren't happy in a marriage, and then find their "special someone", but there are some who like variety, and one woman will never be good enough. It sounds like you had the variety type. Remember you learned from your mistakes, and now can move on. It wasn't your fault, it was his. Okay?? find someone else, and be happy. Next time, use your head. Good luck!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 11:26am
Wow, I didn't mean to start a debate over having an affair or not having one. Omaha I stated in my post to you that you were nothing like my MM and I support your decision to be happy.

I am going through a rough time and I know my MM was mostly to blame, (he was definitely a serial-affair type - - thanks for the appropriate label Saturday) but everyone is telling me in order to move on with my life - I have to own my part in all of this. I guess admitting my fault as being the OW and then seeing OW after OW go through my marriage was part of my healing process. The only reason I posted on this board was because someone from the divorce support board suggested I do so.

I know this may sound really strange but I feel sympathy for every woman that my husband dragged through our marriage. I want to support them because I know how they felt during the affair and after. Maybe there will be an OW out there that can now recognize a "serial-affair type".

Omaha thanks for pointing out how my post made you feel - - like I was categorizing and comparing all A's to mine. I certainly didn't intend to compare everyone on this board to me and my situation. Best wishes. And to all of the other post's thanks so much for your kind words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 12:25pm
hi pets and i too am sorry for your pain and stupid H's amoral behavior.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 3:15pm
Wow, let me apologize. I didn't mean to sound as harsh as I did in that post. I think I probably was responding to you while thinking about a disagreement I was having with someone else and I unfairly projected on to you as well.

I have to admit I have read some posts on here that made me think, "Why in the world would you want to be in any kind of a relationship with someone like that?" I read about distant and unfeeling men who occasionally throw the OW a proverbial bone. It's like the OW is trying so hard to make the MM what they want and need them to be. And I am sympathetic to that. I appreciate that at times we all want what we don't have so we try to fool ourselves into thinking what we have is good enough. I've been guilty of that not in my A but in my M.

I feel terrible for you and for anyone else who was fooled by your H. I can't imagine being so unfeeling and so hurtful to people I care about. As much as I know I have hurt my W, I certainly never intended to and I have hated myself for how I've behaved. I want her to be happy as much as I want that for myself too.

I guess I can't come on here and tell people not to have A's because that would be hypocritical. But I would say that an A is rarely the answer to your problems. In fact, it will only complicate and make everything more difficult. Unfortunately for many of us, we don't always recognize or acknowledge that we're missing something until we're already in too deep. Otherwise, why would there be so many of us? But cautionary tales do serve a purpose. I'll admit your wording struck a nerve with me, but only because I am in such a difficult situation right now too. My nerves are frazzled as you can imagine. We may be approaching things from a different perspective, but if you're a caring person, neither path is easy.

I do wish you luck and happiness and I hope for your sake and your daughter's you can find the peace of mind you deserve.

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 6:01pm
Your husband is obviously a very sick man. I know that you are hurting, but knowledge empowers us...and you are no longer living in the dark. Although you have hard financial woes now be grateful that you are rid of this man. Take him to court until he pays his child support if he chooses not to pay you. Deadbeat dads go to jail. (depending on the judge, that is).

I pray for you and Ithink you gave some very good advice. We all think that our affair is different, but in the end it is all the same crap. Selfishness is at the core of an affair. And someone usually winds up getting hurt.

Jazzdiva

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