Advice please?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Advice please?
2
Sat, 10-18-2003 - 1:06pm
I am single, 23 yrs old and involved w/ a MM. We've been dating for 5 months. I see him at least once a week. Its been great, for the most part. Every now and then I get a little disappointed that he can't give me more - time-wise. But I eventually get over it. And over the past few months, he's been very emotional around me...Telling me that he's not only IN love with me, but he loves me beyond the romantic aspect of love. And more and more he tells me how wrong our situation is and if it wasn't for his children he would divorce his W and be with me (even though I told him I would never marry him b/c his W would always be first).

A couple weeks ago, he took me away for my 23rd birthday. It was an amazing night, and when we made love the following morning, it was too incredible for words. But later in the morning, he said he had news, things had changed. Right away I replied: "Let me guess, your W is pregnant..." Of course, she is. On the long ride home, he didn't want to talk about...when we finally got home, I said that we needed to make the decision. We ended it, sad but amicably. It was sort of a relief, I didn't have to lie to anyone anymore, and I didn't have to feel like I was at HIS beck and call all the time. Yet, I was very sad that I didn't have much to look forward to in my love life.

The next day he sent me a msg: "I feel like a part of my soul has been torn out, I fear I'll never have a moment as perfect as the ones we shared together." Then later in day "Can we meet leter this week to talk?" I knew what he wanted to talk about, and a part of me wished he just left me alone. I agreed to meet him, and he said: "I want to make my marriage work, but I'm not ready to give up on us." THIS IS NOT SYNONOMOUS!! The two statements do not go together....But I agreed to have one more night together, to say good bye.

Ladies, I am afraid that he is going to get the best of me and try to rope me back into the full-fledged affair. I care for him so much, I am in love with him, btu I know this isn't right for me, b/c it will end eventually anyways. Why would I want to go on and allow my feeligns and love for him to grow deeper adn then have to end it?? I would be more of a wreck. I need more in a relationship, I deserve more, mor than he can give me. But on the other hand, I am not strong enough to say NO to this man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
In reply to: dani9790
Sat, 10-18-2003 - 1:51pm
Hi dani

I feel for you. You sound like quite a level-headed and intelligent person -- keep listening to your head and not your heart! You are sharp enough to know that his wife and family will always come first, even in so much as acknowledging that "I would never marry him b/c his W would always be first."

You are 23, not married, and want more from a relationship. You deserve that!! I know he may be VERY hard to resist (especially if you are feeling in love with him and the sex is so good ;), but give yourself a chance. God, you're young, unattached -- try your best to resist!


I truly hope you can find the strength to move on. You're right -- the longer it continues, the deeper you will fall, and the more it will HURT when it ends. I probably have no room to talk -- although I am married, I know I am probably setting myself up for the same eventual hurt from my A as well. But you're young and single -- so keep trying to be strong!

Good luck!

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: dani9790
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 10:06am
I agree w/Charlotte. If you want more from a relationship, then this is not the TYPE of relationship you should allow to live in your life. 23 is so young and you have so much ahead of you.

You might want to try the following site for help in ending it with him:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&nav=start

I must say that if he's telling you that he wants his marriage to work, that means you will always be something on the side for him. He will be trying to grow closer to his wife while trying to have all of you at the same time. It's just not healthy for you if you want more.

I know I must sound like a hypocrite because I'm married and so is MM. We both know that we want to stay married to our DH & DW and we also know what we want from each other in our R. We both have goals for our families and ourselves and we are accepting and encouraging of each other w/what we want from each other and from our marriages.

Part of my point is that you really have to evaluate what you want from life and if that coincides w/what he wants, then you can make it work. However, I sense that what you want does not coincide w/what he wants. If that's the case, then you must end it and pursue what you really want. If you want to be the only woman and have only one love, then this R is not for you. I must also say that if this R is not for you, you must spend quite a bit of time alone before you embark on another relationship to avoid the rebound effect and to get yourself back to your true self.

Good luck in whatever you choose to do. God bless you and seriously look at http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&nav=start.

Laugh Smiles