Advice Please...Dating while with MM

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Advice Please...Dating while with MM
9
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 5:54pm
I could really use some advice right now. I have officially been with MM for a month. I have been steadily falling for him more and more. However, I know in my heart he will never leave W. He said to me one night last week that even though we both feel that we are supposed to be together, he has responsibilities and there are innocent people involved (W and a 10 yr old DS)that he will not hurt. I care so much about him that part of me is willing to accept the bad in order to have the good.

Now, I went for drinks last night with another man that I have noticed looking at me for the last few months. He finally approached me a week or so ago and I thought it would be nice to at least make another friend. (I have only been living in my area for six months and am still getting to know people.) We went out and there was an amazing connection. We have a lot in common and it was truly a great time. He wants to see me more on a romantic level, starting this weekend. :-)

I am looking at my future now and I am extremely torn. Do I choose to spend the duration of my R with MM (a man that I know was born to be a part of my life) spending weekends alone and only having physical contact when he shows up at my apartment for an hour before work? OR, do I try dating this sweet great SINGLE guy that I have amazing physical (though nothing has happened yet) and mental chemistry with, who wants to do things with me and be seen with me, and the only thing that I have found missing in him is that he isn't MM?

I talked to MM a little about this and he said he knows he has no right to tell me he doesn't want me to date, but I know he wishes I wouldn't. Is there a way that I can maintain both right now....at least until I KNOW which I would choose? I really don't want to do anything that would ultimately hurt my SM. Maybe this is easier than I am making it, I've just never had two men that I am very attracted to wanting to be with me also. ADVICE (or a smack in the head) PLEASE!!!!!

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 6:06pm
Here's your whack in the head - go for the guy who's single!! You didn't say if you were married, so I'm assuming you're not; if you have a chance to find happiness with someone who's available - at least explore it. The A road is bumpy to say the least - not one recommended if there are alternatives!

Best of luck - be happy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 6:16pm
whatnow....I am single.

And thanks for the whack in the head. I always appreciate someone who can hand me one of those. LOL It does seem like an easy choice, except for the part of me that doesn't want to let go of MM.........

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 6:18pm
She took those words right out of my mouth. Here is your second whack of the day! It is so obvious! Why choose the harder path when you can find the same hapiness on a smoother road?! Continue seeing SM, it sounds like you really had fun with him.....and he doesn't have a W!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 7:01pm

Listen to these women. Be with the SM. You will be better off in the long run and much happier too. Why stay with MM if you (we all know) know what is going to happen..


Some of us have been in this a long time and the more time you are in it the harder it is to leave. It's that physical and emotional attachment thing that's hard to let go of, :)..


It's funny about that dating thing. I'm single (divorced), he's M. We've talked about me dating. He told me not to. He didn't like the idea of me being with another man. Actually, he just likes his cake and he wants the only one to

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 7:11pm
Heres a test you can do. Break off contact for a week to a month (as long as it is possible for you) with MM. Don't think of it as breaking contact eternally with MM because then you won't attempt it. During that NC time spend as much time with SM and don't intentionally try to think of MM. If total NC is too much maybe send an email here or there but don't obsess on being with MM during that time and avoid physical contact.

See if you are thinking of MM less and less with each day and are enjoying being with SM. If you feel that thoughts of MM recur less and less, thats a good test that SM has what it takes to get you over MM.

:)

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
In reply to: numbersgirl77
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 2:26pm

0

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 2:35pm
I also agree. Go with the cute SM. I wish my guy was a SM..he

is a MM but no kids..but the same heartaches follow.

Good Luck to you...keep in touch..

Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 3:29pm
I whole heartedly agree with the others. In my situation I am the married one and he is single. I posted part of this in the ending affairs group (as I hang my head because I'm still unable to totally end this dang thing). OM has had another woman become interested in him over the last 1 and 1/2 months. She knew that he was still in love with me but I guess she was hoping that he would end it with me. Last night I left a note in his door that read "sorry I missed you." Well I guess she was the one to discover my note and oh boy what a scene that caused. She asked him to call me right then and tell me it was over and he refused to do that so she left. I don't blame her really. But listening to him this morning talking about it just breaks my heart. He doesn't seem too bothered by it all really but it just saddens me to see the predicaments we put ourselves into.

If you get anything from this board..... run.... and don't look back.

elf

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 5:13pm
I agree with dating whole heartedly. I ask my OM to do it beacuse like I have said before he deserves to have adult company in his life other than me. Sometimes I deal it better than other days, but mostly I am for him going for it. Anyway, good luck with you guys on your situation and trying to date and sametime.