Advice From Those who Have Been There

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Advice From Those who Have Been There
4
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 1:40pm
I am very thankful for this board. I have a few questions for those who have given responses that are now similar to the situation I seem to be entering.

My H discovered the A, through a letter (no denial), a month ago. We have been going through hell since then, good and bad days. MM and I have had short periods of NC, but mostly we still talk, just no sex. As a reminder, our families are close and we live in the same neighborhood. H and MM did talk about the A, and there will be NC between them from now on.

MM and I have been through the whole gamut of situations that could occur from this point on. If W finds out, it will be far beyond any hell we are going through now. She will not only be devestated that he has cheated on her again (a previous mild indiscretion), but more so because it is me, someone she is close with and has completely confided in concerning her marriage. That is an option we are praying never comes to happen. MM is not ready to leave his M, although we had talked regularly about the fact that we were going to get caught because we had become so close and had difficulty being apart. If he does decide to leave, he wants to find other reasons, so as for her not to know about us. The major problem here is, my H knows, and luckily, is not willing to ruin MM's W's life by being the one to tell her. But, who knows if that will ever change. MM and I have talked about our getting together if we both leave our marriages, but it would have to be a few years down the road, and still, the worry that H will eventually spill the beans. MM has a much more difficult time seeing that scenario to completion because of all the complications. And, finally, to get to where we are now.

We have now discussed letting things continue to settle down with my M (H still wants to work things out) and then continuing our A in earnest. Of course, part of me says 'OK, hon, he still wants to eat his cake', but then again, so do I. These are my problems with doing this:

1. My guilt is immense whenever MM's W and I do things together now, it was always there, but now that H knows, it is overwhelming.

2. If I work things out with H, and then continue the A, and H finds out a second time, there will be so much hell to pay, and he will most certainly tell W then. And, although I am not happy with my M, H did not deserve this the first time around, a second time, not at all! This time around the intentional deceit is much worse than the first time.

3. I know MM loves me in his own way, and that our feelings are not equal, but I am deeply in love with him, and it hurts like hell to see him and W together now.

4. Even if I work my M out, and we continue A as usual, H will never talk to MM, or be around when he is, and MM is never allowed here again, and all of this I completely understand and do not argue with, but W is eventually going to pick up on this, as we used to do family things together. So, I kind of feel like: why bother, it's not going to work anything out anyway, although it does seem to be the best/easiest solution right now.

So, I guess my questions are to those who have been found out, worked their M's out, and still continued their A.

How do you deal with the worry of H finding out again?

How do you deal with the guilt of the extra deception after rebuilding H's trust?

So sorry this was a long one. Thanks in advance for responses!

MFL8
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 6:23pm

HI MFL8,


I'm not too sure if I can help or not... I have been caught out in my EMA... and chose to work on my M, but continue my A as well.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 11:45pm
Your 3rd paragraph is exactly how I feel about MM. I am just trying to reach the point where I am content with the EMA being just that, an EMA. It is obviously what MM wants and is happy with. It is difficult for me, as I want to be with MM all the time. It is not that I do not enjoy my H's company, but that is all I want from him anymore. I guess I need to turn that around a bit if i want this to work.

My biggest concern is that there is just too much at stake if we get caught again, and H will make himself aware of every little thing, due to the close proximity of MM. I am just not willing to give up MM, and as I said, even if I did, W has a chance of figuring this all out, due to H's attitude change towards MM. Not to mention, I have a difficult time facing MM and W together now. I stay in the M because part of me still loves H, but mostly for the kids.

Of course, IF MM ever did leave W, I would most certainly leave H for him. In that case, I wonder if H would ever tell W, out of spite. I REALLY, TRULY did not start out in this EMA to be hurtful, or to wreck either one of our marriages, only to give and get what both MM and I needed. I have had a hard time staying focused on this since I fell in love with MM. How does one do that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 1:16am

MFL8... I too did not want to give up my MM... I did not need to be with him... and I know that I will move on and get by if he is no longer in my life... but the thing is... I want him in my life!

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 2:29pm