In an Affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2009
In an Affair
18
Sun, 09-27-2009 - 3:13am

HI,


Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2009
In reply to: jenpilz
Sun, 09-27-2009 - 9:15am

Im sorry you are going through this jen. Your A has turned from the place you went for comfort to being a twisted and painful relationship. You are jumping through hoops for this cad and he is making it clear in more ways than one that you dont even rate anymore on the scale of 1 to 10 of his importance.

Does your H acknowledge you distancing yourself from your M? Has he asked why you are withdrawing yourself?

Your AP clearly seems to be over you and the A. When he refuses to answer questions about anything, its a clear sign that you are to be seen and not heard. Do you still have physical contact with him in between the times you are told to mind your Ps & Qs about his life? He is treating you dispicably and my only conclusion would be to let him go. You cannot keep changing to suit your AP. That alone is being dishonest with yourself.

A's in general are dishonest situations, so to expect him to tell you half-truths and fudge answers is par for the course unfortunately. If you can stay with your H and try some marriage counselling, maybe you could try to work on what you still have instead of wasting your love and energy focused on a man that apparently couldnt give a flying fig.

The experienced and wiser posters here will give you more constructive advice but i just wanted to wish you well and hope that you can work through this rough time.

SB

Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2009
In reply to: jenpilz
Sun, 09-27-2009 - 12:25pm

First of all I would like to say how amazing it feels to get feedback since for the past yr of being in this rship - i have not spoken a word, or heard a word about this from a 3rd person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2009
In reply to: jenpilz
Sun, 09-27-2009 - 1:16pm

So you still love your H. That is a good start to get some of the passion back that you used to have in your M. You talk lovingly about him so I am assuming that if he found out about the A he would be devestated. If you read in the Healing Library under EAS, there are many great posts and articles that can help you if you want to end this torture.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlending

If you also read the posts about d-days, that may also help you to see what you could face if your H ever found out about the A.

I understand that trying to begin a family may be causing a huge strain on you right now, but redirecting your frustration into the need for the rush of AP is not conducive to the situation. You need to concentrate on the issue at hand and not a way at escaping. What if you finally got pregnant by AP? (BC CAN fail and if youre actively trying to conceive with H this scenario COULD occur)

Your AP is so intent of doing things "my way or the highway" and i seriously doubt that he cares about your mental wellbeing. To contort your entire personality to suit that lousy @ss is damaging your self esteem not to mention doing nothing for your dignity and self respect. You have so much love reserved for someone that treats you with less regard than a used kleenex while withholding love from your H who I am sure is hurting too.

IMO leave this toxic man NOW. Getting excitement back into your M may take councelling and/or time but you DO need to work for it. Also, NO contact with your AP is the only answer. Get that poor excuse for a man out of your life and put all your energies into saving your M before its too late. Rebuild what you once had and make your M stronger. Your AP is not worth a lifetime of regret and heartache. AP has told you if you dont like him as he is then end it- well do it!! He shows he doesnt care one way or other. IMO he doesnt even deserve a goodbye.

I know you do have love for AP and it will take time to get over those feelings, but you can do it. Give yourself permission to grieve the R but never forget the way he treats you or what he stands for. You deserve so much better.

Hugs.

SB

Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
In reply to: jenpilz
Sun, 09-27-2009 - 1:19pm

Hi jen-


I read your post and can feel your pain as my situation was similar to yours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2008
In reply to: jenpilz
Sun, 09-27-2009 - 1:24pm

Jen, I wish you could step back as an outsider...not involved with this man...and read what you wrote. He's a jerk. He's a cake eater. I was so ticked off reading how he treats you.

Hon, he's told you how he's going to treat you...how it's going to be. YOU have to figure out if you can live with that. Personally...ugh. His actions make me sick. Especially the part where you two got caught and he worked months to convince his poor wife that it was over....all the while continuing to be with you. Nice guy. Is THAT what you want?

Here's the thing....BEFORE, it seemed like you two had an understanding...there was love between you but you would not/could not leave your spouses. You were in a common situation and as distasteful as the lies to your spouses were....you were both "connected" by this bond you felt towards each other. It didn't make the situation ok....but you were in it "together".

Well, he's not "in it" anymore. He's like you can take it or leave it. Jen, have some pride. Do not let him treat you like this. He is treating you like a sex object. It's hurtful and CRUEL.

If you ask most people here...they will say they thought their affair was "different". They had a real connection. They had real love. They were honest with each other. Everyone feels that way. I think....and it's only my opinion....that if a man/woman loves you...they will move heaven and earth to be with you. Jen, not only has he not done that (and that was your agreement in the beginning...so that's ok) but NOW he is behaving in a very loving way towards his wife...which you say you have absolute knowledge of. HOW. CAN. YOU. STAND THAT???? He's sleeping with her? Making love to her. Doing to her the things he does to you. OMG. And YOU have let the distance grow between you and your husband....who sounds like a jewel.

Jen, you have to end this with this man now. He is going to destroy your life, self esteem, soul, you name it.

Sorry, if I have come across strong but his conduct sucks.
Affairs suck. Get out.

Take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2009
In reply to: jenpilz
Sun, 09-27-2009 - 1:55pm

I just read all the posts here and it could have been my xAP you all were talking about. He's my neighbor so I still have to deal with him, but since quite a long time I stopped having sex with him. His behavior towards me changes from cold to pursuing to cold to pursuing to cold, and so on... Reading all these posts made me realize once again that it is all about HIM.

Like your AP, jen, my xAP always told me "your expectations are too high", "I feel claimed by you", "you should stop asking all those questions, I will not answer them anymore" yada yada yada

Jen, I really hope that you will get out of this relationship. I know hard it is, but whenever you want to talk, you can post or if you'd like you can also email me.
Don't let him treat you like this, you are worth so much more (AND SO AM I! I am talking to myself too ;-) )

Hugs
htgo

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2009
In reply to: jenpilz
Sun, 09-27-2009 - 7:01pm

Sometimesblue - once again thanks for your response.


Yes I do love my H, but I guess its a different type of love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2009
In reply to: jenpilz
Sun, 09-27-2009 - 7:06pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2009
In reply to: jenpilz
Sun, 09-27-2009 - 7:15pm

emily,


I know what you are saying - and here is the problem. That yes looking from the outside in he does sound like a jerk - but when you are in the situation - all you can think of is the affection, the love, how good it feels - even if it is short term and you end up putting up with all the other BS even for the few moments of happiness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2009
In reply to: jenpilz
Sun, 09-27-2009 - 7:18pm

how to get out -


exactly - my AP does the same where he treats me badly - then when i back off - he finds ways to contact me, show he is miserable, missing met, etc...but things never change.

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