Affair after Threesome?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Affair after Threesome?!
3
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 3:47pm
Hello. I am new to these boards. I posted this on another thread and was told maybe I should post here. I could use some advice! A long time ago, I had a very brief affair w/ someone I was close to since HS. I broke it off, knowing I would get hurt and he'd never leave, etc. Well, through a strange twist of fate, I ended up dating my ex's neighbor. Never have I told my current BF about the affair, evidentally because it was MY past and I didn't feel it was necessary for him to know. Especially, since it had been over. It would have caused jealousy I believe.

Well, my BF suggested a threesome because they have became quite close friends and he always wanted to do one w/ someone he trusted wouldn't cheat afterwards behind his back. The ex and I are still great friend (afterall, we are neighbors), but there has been NO sex. I was blown away by BF's suggestion. I almost was willing, but backed out...UNTIL, curiousity killed the cat. I gave in on Monday and feel terrible. I would NEVER cheat on my current BF, afterall, this was with his permission. However, I know he would have never allowed it knowing our past....

NOW, all I can think about it my "ex". I'm friends w/ him and his wife for God's sake. I love my BF. But, I find myself fantasizing about this great sex with my ex and catch myself trying to look out my window to see if he's home, etc...

I am so confused, I feel like I just want to up and move, or leave my boyfriend for this "it's going to hurt you in the long run" sex, and etc, etc....

I am almost considering another threesome, just to have him again...and I have not had any desire for him since it's been over! Please help if you can offer ANY advice!! Please let me know if I have come to the appropriate place! Thank you for "listening"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 3:54pm
Speaking as someone who has been in an open R in the past, let me say that the words you're speaking are the perfect argument against sharing your partner with another. Regardless of whether you had a past R with this other person or not, the forbidden fruit aspect would still be there. And now you've gotten a taste of it and thus can't stop thinking about him.

I just wish people would take a step back and look at why they're doing what they're doing. I'll be the first to admit I failed at this for years and did many things I regret because of it. There was something lacking in my M and I thought I could fill the void with sex. But ultimately I just felt more empty inside. My advice to you would be to put all these feelings for your ex aside and don't allow yourself to get into another sexual situation with him. As for your R with your boyfriend, I'm afraid there may be a lot more to overcome than you even realize. Trust and sexual intimacy may never be quite the same between you.

I'm sorry to be such a pessimist, but I just don't think having multiple partners while married is a good idea. And again, I say that as someone who made that same mistake. I hope you and your boyfriend can get past this. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 4:16pm
Well, I can't add much that omaha didn't already say. It's all right there: forbidden fruit is tasty fruit. But it's sort of like most drugs in that a little doesn't usually satisfy if it's a good trip. You keep going back again and again...

I'm afraid you're setting yourself (and others) up for a world of problems if you look for this to be a repeat thing.

I'm certainly not someone who tells others what kind of sexuality is ok and what isn't, but the interpersonal dynamics of involving a third party -- in this case, one about whom there were secrets before anyway -- just gets unwieldy pretty quick.

Good luck. I fear you're going to need it. As someone who's led a rich sexual life... great sex is the enemy of contentment unless who you're with is the Best You've Ever Had.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 5:33pm
I don't know if I can add much more to Omaha and Rain's posts but I'd like to say a few words. I am not against threesomes per se. I believe that people should discover and experience their sexuality to the fullest. But when you find someone who meets all your needs and fulfils all your desires - emotionally as well as sexually and you feel that they are "it" for you - you want to experience it all with them and them only. Just the thought of sharing my SO with anyone makes me sick.

I suggest you reevaluate your relationship with your boyfriend before you jump into having an affair with that other man and set yourself up for a huge disaster. It's very possible that something is missing there. And if you are planning to marry your boyfriend someday you'd better find out what's missing before he walks you down the aisle.