Affair Discovered

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
Affair Discovered
9
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 12:03am
I had an affair with a male co-worker for over 5 years. His wife found out a few days ago. He says she doesn't want to end the marriage. We mutually agreed to discontinue all communication although he did tell me she may be calling me. She hasn't yet. I wrote her a letter but haven't mailed it yet. Should I leave her total control and wait for her to call me or do you think I should mail the letter. Any advice is appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 12:41am
I would just leave it up to her to contact you. I think it's very noble of you to step out of the picture and let MM work on his M. Five years is a long time. That being said... W is probably going through a lot of emotional distress right now and you contacting her in any way would probably just add to that. It would be hard for me to step aside and let them rebuild their M without interfering, but I think that would be the best thing for MM and W. JMHO... Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 1:00pm
DON'T mail the letter. It would be equivalent to putting salt in a wound, no matter how "nice" the intention. Some Ws prefer to be ostrich's in that they bury their heads not wanting to deal with it. Leave well enough alone. 5 years is a long time. MM will come back when things calm down on the home front. For now, support him in getting things back on track and lie low.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 4:03pm
5 years and it's over? Mutually agreed? I bet that was very hard to do? Did you two before hand agree to end it if the A was ever discovered?

It takes a great inner strength to end a long term A. I hope you are OK?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 8:37pm
Don't mail the letter. You have written this at a stressful time in your life and you may have regrets about it later.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 10:26am
Don't mail the letter, just lie low. If she wants to call you and scream at you, let her do it once. You owe that to her. Just once though! When she calls you, just say "sorry". I don't think you owe her any details/explanation. That is private between you and MM and her knowing details won't benefit anyone.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 12:25pm
Listen , I would let her make the contact first. Cause it may just bring pain to you. There is already enough tension . Don't make anymore than you can handle. I am seeing someone and it's been year and half . We enjoy the time but it has it's ups and downs. I don't know if this help's . But let her do it first then just give her a simple answer. Short simple and be honest with her answers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 10:12pm
sweetie, I'm sorry... :( I know how you must be feeling right now. MM and I went on for 8 months before he got busted. but to lay low is the best idea. don't send the letter- she may decide to not even call you. MM and W went to marriage counseling, and the counselor actually ended up telling her it doesn't matter who it is... so she was satisfied with that. I was so scared though- I bought a new cell phone, disguised my voice mail greeting on my old number, I braced myself for the worst. but I think she ended up calming down and he convinced her it was over between him and me. however, he and I worked together so of course we still saw each other and after a few weeks after we ended it, we picked right back up again. so just hang on... I know we weren't together as long as you and your MM, but I do know to some extent what you must be going through. obviously you and he had (and still have) very strong feelings for each other- that doesn't go away overnight!!! he'll be back, just give it time. I send you tons of hugs...

Complicated

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-18-2003 - 11:31am
NO, NO, NO!! DON'T MAIL THAT LETTER and DO NOT TALK TO HIS W!!!

why in the hell should you have to deal with any of that?! it's his M, let him clean up that mess. you should stay as far away from his W as possible. nothing, and i do mean, nothing good will come of it. what can you possibly say to her that won't make you look bad, or a home-wrecker, or whatever!

please don't take her calls, and for god's sake, destroy that letter!!

stay out of that fallout girl. you will be much better off in the long run.

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Tue, 11-18-2003 - 12:15pm
learning03:

here's a first hand account of what can happen if YOU contact the wife:

I told my XMM's wife of our affair (after my H found out) and answered some of her questions. My XMM, denied everything and convinced his wife our affair lasted only 6 months when in fact it was almost 2 years. Its a messy situation where I've discovered that sometimes the truth hurts....remember no matter what, your MM will look out for himself and will say whatever is needed to save his marriage. Would I change telling his wife: no because it was something I needed to do to prove to my husband that I did not care about the XMM and that I was not protecting him by keeping his wife out of the loop. Do I regret losing the XMM? Yes......

Good luck to you, whatever you decide