Affair happiness...is that possible?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2013
Affair happiness...is that possible?
11
Sat, 12-21-2013 - 9:05am

I am new to forums in general but stumbled upon this one and hope that you guys can answer some of my questions as it appears from reading your posts and replies that you give some pretty good advice.  I have been having my first affair and so far it has lasted 6 months.  He has been married for 16 years and me for 28.  Both of us say we have no intention of ever leaving our spouses and I 100% believe that is the case.    

I have grown children, a flexible job and a pretty non-suspecting husband so I am always available to receive his texts, meet up, change my schedule to accomodate his schedule or go with the flow.  I can not be someone I am not even in this affair.  I can't play hard to get and even though sometimes I try not to be too readily available, the suspense kills me when I get his texts, so I read and reply to them right away.  He, on the other hand, has a very demanding job, a 15 yo son and a wife that I don't think is suspicious but he always makes sure he has an alibi...and I know how women are, it wouldn't take much to get him on her radar if something seemed out of place.  So needless to say he is very cautious and communication is extremey limited on evenings and weekends.

We text mostly everyday, sometimes hundreds of times a day depending on his availability.  See each other usually once a week for about an hour or 2 tops for sex in his car when he can leave work early and give excuses at home.  He has gotten us a hotel a couple of times (3 1/2 hrs) and I had access to a friends house for 3 weeks which we were able to use.

Our communications at the beginning were circled around sexual experiences and pictures, videos and anything intimate but after about 3 months of constant communication our conversation barely mention sex but basically everything that is going on in each others lives from spouses work schedules, kids activities, work issues...etc.  I mentioned to him that I notice we don't talk about sex anymore and he said he had realized that recently, but that personally he is happier with our current conversations even though sex stuff is fun to.

I believe our affair has turned into an emotional affair and I am definietly hooked on him.  He told me he never thought he could have something like this.  One night after just meeting for an hour for dinner and drinks, no sex other than a quick kiss and hug in the parking lot, he texted me on the way home that he had fun, I replied I did too and that I thought what we have is perfect and he replied I agree with a smiley face.  I feel like I have fallen in love with him, but keep in mind I have not lost perspective or have any intention of ever leaving my husband or taking him away from his wife....does that sound insane??

I guess why I decided to write to you guys is to help me because I can't help but always look towards the future with this and it breaks my heart to think that I will lose him as a part of my life one day.  We have grown to be great friends, even though we can never tell anyone about this.  In your experience with affairs (physical or emotional) or knowledge of them, am I fooling myself that we can stay this way forever?  These thoughts haunt me constantly and instead of enjoying every second of this affair I can't help but fill myself with anxiety that it is too good to be true and something bad will happen to end it.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2013
Wed, 01-01-2014 - 10:11am

'The Dance' is the perfect mindset. My AP is single, and my dream for us is that one day he meet someone wonderful that he wants to be monogamous with. Hopefully we can remain friends after that, but if not, I'd be thrilled to see him happy, and I would make it through. 

You affair could go on for years. The physicality may ebb and flow. You may stay close friends. If you're able to make time now, you'll be able to in the future. Sex in a car may not work when you're older, but you will find other ways. Your sex drives may wane, so that a cheap hotel room once a month will suffice. 

I agree that enjoying it now should be your priority. But you can also fantasize about all the possible outcomes - it's just thoughts. See how they make you feel. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2013
Wed, 01-01-2014 - 10:02am
We're using BBM (BlackBerry Messenger) and it's great. You can delete your conversations, which I do about once per week. I have it on my iPhone and have it set to buzz or beep when a message is received, but it doesn't show up anywhere. You HAVE to open the app to see it. Also, because BlackBerry is becoming rarer, DH would never think to snoop in the app - he'd check texts / iMessages if suspicious. Before I discovered BBM, I had not added AP as a contact, so only his number showed up on the phone. And I would delete the convos after we had them, so if DH snooped on my phone, there'd be nothing there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2013
Sun, 12-22-2013 - 8:25pm

DoeBuck,

I appreciate your words of encouragement.  Thanks  All you mention is exactly my intention.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2013
Sun, 12-22-2013 - 8:09pm
Sending in a few minutes...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2013
Sun, 12-22-2013 - 7:38pm

Honey, live in the moment. Don't stress about what might happen. Be careful all the time, don't expect more than you should, don't change the rules, and this relationship could go on for years, if you both remain happy with it. Best of luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2013
Sun, 12-22-2013 - 7:15pm

Setting Sail

I agree with you that I might be setting myself up for the biggest heart break.  I also agree with you that I  feel so much excitement from being with him and even if it ends in heart break I would rather take this chance than walk away today.  To tell you the truth I don't think I could walk away right now...I am in too deep.  We don't spend a lot of time together as it sounds like you and your guy do, but we do text and keep in communication daily.  I do not dream of being together just he and I in affairland but to stay just the way we are.  Is that crazy?  Is it only natural to want to want more because unless I am fooling myself I don't want more than what we have.   Good luck and if you want to private message me I would love to communicate with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2013
Sun, 12-22-2013 - 7:01pm

MusicLover

Thats what is the funny part about my affair.  I am not having it because I am unhappy with my husband or my marriage...I know that makes no sense to me either.  I have no intention of leaving my husband now or in the future.   I feel like my whole life I was a daughter, then a wife and then a mother.  I have deprived myself of having something just for me to enjoy and not have to do something for someone else like I have my whole life.  The last six months have been the most exciting I have had.  I feel like a teenager again and I am thrilled to have him in my life.  I am 50 and so sex in a car is a bit uncomfortable to say the least but most of the times when we meet it is to talk and walk around the park and spend time and then enjoy each other sexually, but it certainly isn't just for the sex.   

I guess you are right when someone is 65 or 70 sex in a car will be a bit tough as it really isn't easy at 50 but I think that is unfortunately all we have right now and to tell you the truth I don't mind it at all.  I don't know how long I will find this exciting, but I guess I am in it for the ride of a life time so far and until this ride stops I really enjoy every minute.  The anxiety I mention is like anxiety from any newly formed relatioship, but I often do tell myself, if it ended today, I really have a pretty nice life so I will survive.

Just like Garth Brook sings about "The Dance"  I had no idea how hard I will fall but I think I would rather fall than to never have danced at all.   

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2013
Sun, 12-22-2013 - 5:59pm

I'm brand new here but I had to respond. I, too, am in love with my married man for almost 3 years. I don't think he'll ever divorce, but I will in April, so I've thought long and hard about us. But, really, I now take it day by day. I'm excited to be free from a 33-year relationship that never was wonderful but did bring 2 kids into this world who've grown into wonderful, beautiful adults. Married Man is the perfect fit for me, (emotionally, too!), but I understand I have the best of him right now and maybe we'd get bored of each other if we were a real couple outside of this bubble we created for us. Would I want that? No. Am I completely happy with our relationship now? Yes. 100%. But he's such a giver, and we spend SO much time together. For now, I am happy with us. So I'm letting it be.

One day his wife might find out and make him end us.He's so careful, but it could happen. Maybe she'd even come after me if she learns my name. Those are the risks. And, of course, Married Man will have to endure some ugliness in his marriage if that happens and he chooses to stay. But that is HIS risk. I will not burden myself with that. He's a smart guy and knows his risks.

Live in the now, if you can, and enjoy him. If that's not possible, you'll need to leave him eventually.

We're not supposed to think of a future together in Affairland. I sometimes still do, for fun, but I know it's for fantasy. He MAY leave his wife when the kids are grown, but I will never, ever hang on to that thought. More likely I'd wait 6 years hoping he would, and those next years would drag on with him still staying. No, thanks! If I'm strong enough to keep him part-time in 6 years, I just might. But probably I will find another man closer to that time and eventually end things with the person I now see as the love of my life. 

Still, I know we have a chance, even if less than 1%. I won't dwell on it or live my life around that hope, but I won't be pessimistic, either. Just real. I love big, so I totally understand that a big heartbreak lies ahead for me at some point. Most likely. But he has colored my world, and he is SO worth heartbreak. I wouldn't have missed this for anything!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 12-22-2013 - 3:35pm

Frankly I think you are setting yourself up for heartache by falling in love with someone where there really is no future there.  I am not going to be judgmental about the affairs and why you would get into this if your marriage is bad, why not just leave your spouse--you don't have to go into the reasons.  Even if you don't get caught--I think that one of you will tire of the sneaking around, or you will find it emotionally too stressful to be in love with him and yet not be able to be with him whenever you want.  Also you must be middle aged--really can you picture people who are 65 or 70 having sex in their car?  I think the flexibility would be gone plus to me it's so tawdry.  So even if you had just an EA, you know, what happens when you are old, you get health problems etc.?  I think that (leaving the moral situation aside here) that people should only have affairs when it's fun--when it causes you anxiety about hearing from the AP, then why bother even doing it?  It seems the down side outweighs the benefits.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2013
Sun, 12-22-2013 - 5:36am

I agree that getting lazy and technology biting either of us in the butt is definitely possible.   oh btw the way in case you weren't aware, imessage if you both have iphones is the greatest invention because texts do not show up on your bill.

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